#fallenslament

two words have never sounded so heavy and he can think of only a couple times he’d uttered them. the trouble with it was that it could be applied to anything. every harsh word they’ve traded when his temper got the best of him, every sacrifice the angel’s made in the name of free will. he’s sorry for all of it and if he had to make a list of every single transgression, it’d be at least ten feet long.

@fallenslament​​ | prompt.

with everything they've been through, all they've given and sacrificed over the years since they met, it's not a surprise to find there were so many things that get left unsaid between them. apologies for fights one of them ( usually him ) started, explanations that were asked for yet never given, words of comfort to make the road they were traveling less painful. he's never been great with words and the angel knows this because he knows him. he knew just about every facet that makes Dean Winchester who he is, better even than the hunter knew himself most days. Cas knew what he saw when he looked in the mirror or after having too much to drink, all the parts of him that he's grown up hiding. his fears and his insecurities, the guilt and shame that he'd endured after he went to Hell and the atrocities he’d committed there. those broken pieces feel a little less jagged when the celestial's handling them because he trusts those hands more than anyone else's. 

the ones that raised him from perdition have put him back together as often as they'd torn him apart, in less debilitating ways. they steady his own whenever they shake and he needed the assurance they gave that he can't seem to ask for. he's tried, once or twice. when time isn't on their side or he was backed into a corner, he'd reached out in a desperate plea for guidance or help he had no right to ask for. he’s put a hand on the angel’s shoulder because a hug would have been too intimate, silent understanding easier to offer than a verbal confirmation that he gets where the angel is coming from. they're family but he hasn't forgotten what the celestial's lost by siding with his charge. 

there's guilt in him there too, regardless of whether or not Cas blames him for being the one to cause it. on the surface he knew they all have their roles to play and maybe it was selfish, but he's glad he's not alone in this fight. his gratitude would be brushed off if he were to offer it, a thank you that hovers on the tip of his tongue that doesn't come anywhere close to being good enough. how can you tell someone that someday everything they've done for you won't be in vain if there were no guarantees that day would come? they might lose this war and none of it would amount to anything more than a waste of devotion. 

@fallenslament​ continued from x

“There are a lot of people, a lot of monsters, who aren’t exactly Winchester fans.  The boys have a bounty on their heads- which means we’re not the only two looking for them.”

Brown hues glance slightly upwards at him, her fingers dusting over the discoloration on her cheekbone before giving a small sigh.  There was no denying it, it didn’t look great and he deserved an answer.

“Demons.  Two saw me go into the store and they jumped me when I got back to my truck.  I killed one but the other smoked out when he saw I had the blade...but I’m okay Cas...really.”

@fallenslament | prompt.

the emotion paralyzes him. cuts deep into the bone straight through to the other side, leaving a gaping wound he can’t bandage. one Cas can’t heal. fear makes him lash out, teeth bared like a caged animal. come too close and you’re likely to get your hand bitten off in the attempt to soothe. he doesn’t want to be comforted. he wants to fight — everything in him screaming to go down swinging. take as many out with him in the process so at least his death would be worth something. more than his life is worth to him most days when he wonders how many he really saved. those losses weigh him down and he can tell the celestial sees it when they look in each other’s eyes. one’s desperate to make it better while the other was at a loss for how to accept that help.

he might have told him to stay away from him yet the words lack any actual venom, sounding more like a plea than demand. it’s motivated entirely on the instinct to self-calm that'd use any method possible to seek a distraction. handling emotions was tiring and he’d prefer to vent in ways that left no casualties. rebuilding the Impala from the ground up after the accident one such incident that stood out as an example of the consequences of his rage fresh in his mind. one hand’s outstretched and he can’t tell if it’s meant to force distance between them or act as some kind of barrier. the angel’s seen him at his worst that he knew it's an irrational response but it’s all he has to offer.

@fallenslament | meme | accepting