#fakeemail

Dear Prince William: 

Hey man, how’s the tour (honeymoon? vacation? I’m not really sure what to call it) going?

My name is Dustin Macleod and I live in Sackville, Nova Scotia. Right now I’m working as a little league umpire, but I also play keyboard in an all male nautical themed band called “The Fun Bouys.” You should check us out on youtube if you get the chance. 

Anyway, I’m writing because I’ve got a few questions and I thought maybe you could help me out.

But first off, congrats on getting hitched. Your wedding was a huge deal around here. My mom got up at like 4:30 in the morning to watch it on TV. Crazy bitch, eh?

How did you enjoy your tour of Canada? Was it weird having the media follow you around and writes stories about everything you did? Some people I know were like, “why are these bozos on the front page of the paper?” but I thought, “hey, it’s the prince and princess of England and they’re a pretty big deal.”

But by about day five of your Canadian tour, right around when you were shooting hockey pucks on Parliament Hill and everyone was like, “oh he could be a Canadian, eh!” I started wondering some things. Like, what exactly do you do? I asked my friend Jim, and he said you were a pilot or some shit.

So then I was like, well what the fuck does Kate Middleton do? And Jim didn’t really know. Then I started thinking some more. From what I gather, England used to own Canada, so we've got a bit of a history you might say, and I guess some people in Canada are interested in what happens in England, but I don’t really see why it’s a big deal.

Maybe I’m way off base here, but you seem like a bit of an attention whore. Like, I’ve got this other buddy, Tony, and he’s kind of an asshole. He always needs to be the centre of attention and it gets pretty annoying. We were at the bar the other night and I was talking to these girls and he comes up to me and pours his beer on my crotch and then yells, “BEER ON CROTCH!” and everyone started laughing. Needless to say I did not get laid that night.

I’m not saying you’re an asshole like Tony, but I still don’t see why you need to be on the news everyday when you’re just taking a little trip through Canada.

Personally, I’m not really like that. I prefer to keep quite and not draw a lot attention to myself unless I actually do something cool. Like a couple weeks ago I hit a grand slam in my softball league and everyone was kinda patting me on the back and saying, “Yo, nice crush, Bautista!” and I was OK with that because it was a fucking bomb. 

What I’m saying is, I was OK with getting the attention because I did something pretty cool, but as far as I can tell you haven’t done shit, and here you are on the front page everyday.

Like, Jesus Christ, everyday some jackass writes an article about what your wife wears and it’s considered an important news story. What the fuck is that about? 

I had this dream the other night that I was like in this war and all this gnarly shit was happening – bombs were going off, people were getting killed – and I got captured and put in this little room with a TV. The only thing on was the news and they were just showing a picture of this fucking dufus, and I just had to sit there while the war was going on, watching this retard on TV. I woke up and drew a picture of the dude. It kind of looks like you, right?

Anyway, I know it’s a long shot because you’re totally busy with lots of important shit, but shoot me an email back if you can. I’d love to know what exactly a prince does to make everyone care so much about him.

Word,