27/6/2016
I don’t even know why I’m writing this shit here, but whatever, I couldn’t write it anywhere else but my mind. And it’s so full that it could explode! I think I only loved once in my whole life, and it was like in my Secondary School! When I was 13 - 14 years old, yeah I know too young! But so pureeeeeeeeee!!!! I didn’t even talk to him like face to face, wasn’t with him alone, couldn’t touch him! All I’ve done was loving him, staring at him, and wishing he would notice me… He did notice me actually, okay I’m not sure if I was paranoid at that time or not, but in my head he did notice me! People said he noticed me! People spread rumors about us! At that time I was depressed, and still, but it got way worse… But when I saw him I felt a kind of relief, like he could mute all my demons! I would stand on my feet for hours just to see him for a couple of seconds! I still remember that time in Oman when I was standing in the kitchen looking through the window, trying to hide behind the curtains, in the afternoon which is SOOOOOO damn hot! The sun was literally burning me! And I didn’t care! My feet hurt so much, and I still didn’t care, cause all I wanted to do was seeing him passing the street to go to his friend to play soccer! He didn’t love me back, he loved another pretty girl, so pretty so confident and totally not depressed. When I knew I couldn’t speak for 3 days in a row or something, that was my first time ever to not be able to speak! It was awful, I was just crying my heart out, bursting into tears, and staring at nothing!!! My eyes swallowed… I didn’t get over it back then, and I still can’t.. That was my first heartbreak. I think that since then I’m not able to love anymore, it fucked me up soooooo hard that I just couldn’t love anyone anymore! It’s like I’ve given him all the love that I had and when he rejected it, it vanished away into space!! Like it’s never been there! I just don’t know how it feels like to love again… I’m a bad person for that, because there’s someone I think who loves me, and I just can’t! I can’t give it back!!! I don’t feel a thing!! nothinggggggggg!!!!!! N o t h i n g. I hate myself. Whatever I’m not gonna post this. It’s so dumb. I’m gonna sleep or what the fuck ever try to.
