#f115

 I feel a hand on my leg that pulled me from my thoughts and back to reality. Looking to my left I saw Dean smirking a little. He’s the only thing that would keep me sane here. Eight months. I couldn’t believe that Dean would settle with someone for eight months and I wouldn’t even dream that it would be me.

 "Found it!" I yelled victoriuosly. "I knew I heard about it somewhere. This woman was a wife of samurai. She was beautiful, but cheated on him and he found out. Legend says he slit her mouth with scissors, asking: "Who will think you’re pretty now?" Not long after that she stabbed herself, but her ghost remained. She hunts around the streets covering her mouth with a mask. When she meets her victim, she asks: 'Am I pretty?' If a person answers ‘no’, she cuts them in half with huge scissors; if a person answers ‘yes’ she takes her mask down and repeats question. If answer is ‘no’ she stabs them, if answer is ‘yes’ she slits mouth like hers."

 "But people we’ve been finding have slit mouth and have been stabbed. How about that? And how do we kill her?" Sam asks.

 "I really don’t know. Maybe we could scare her? I mean, she must’ve been afraid when her husband did that to her and when she stabed herself." I answer.

 Dean furrows his eyebrows understanding what I want to say, but at the same time probably thinking of how to scare a ghost.

 "Remember that time when I had ghost sickness? You scared that ghost by dragging it with a chain full of spells. Maybe we could do same thing, but with scissors. Great job, let’s go." He taps my shoulder.

 "I’m sorry to leave you hanging, but I can’t go. My sister’s in town and I have to go and meet her. You two will have to handle this one on your own." I say getting up from table and going back to my room to get ready. I hear footsteps following mine to the room.

 "Two men with an angry spirit that wants to play a game with them. I kinda did hope you’ll be the one who stabs the bitch in her back." Dean talk-whispered in my ear while holding me from behind.

 "Well, you two will just have to stab her yourself." I turned around in his hands and gave him kiss. It wasn’t long, but it was passionate. Just in case he forgot who he has. "I probably won’t be able to meet you in the bar so behave."

 "I have Sam to look out for me," he said still not letting go of me.

 "I have to get ready, you have angry ghost to hunt. You should go," I said freeing myself from his tight grip.

 "Bye, babe," he said, and left.

—– - ✦ - –— 

 "So how really is your life going?" My sister asked taking sip of her drink.

 We were sitting in some fancy restaurant. My sister was kind of rich. She gave herself opportunity to leave this job forever and start all of this over. She went to study and finished 2nd in her class. I was a little jealous, but nothing serious. I could never have guts to do something like that. And even if I wanted to give up now, there isn’t any possible way.

 I took a deep breath that gave me time to think of what to tell her. "I really think that for the first time in forever everything is good. I have a job and a man that takes good care of me. I never could have thought something like that would happen to me."

 "After all you’ve been through and all the guys you’ve dated, you deserve something like that. A normal hunter life, as normal as it can be," she said and took coat in her hands. "I’m afraid I’ll have to go early. Babysitter just sent me a message that Cindy’s ill and she wants her mommy."

 "Oh, that’s okay," I said taking mine in hand too. We both put them on and left restaurant. We walked quietly for her car. I inhaled the cold air that was around me and I could feel snow was close. It felt so refreshing since we drank a whole bottle of wine. Before getting in her car, we hugged.

 "Take care of yourself." She sat in her car and started it.

 "Say hi to everyone back home."

 And with that she was gone. Disappearing in the mist of cold air. I stared at the blank air for a little while and then headed for my car. On my way home I realized how similar we were to Winchesters. We too traveled and never had home until she said it was enough for her. She backed out and left me alone, I didn’t wanna go with her. That’s when we set apart. And I was alone until I met brothers. One hunt, two hunts and suddenly we were traveling together.

Being lost in my thoughts, I didn’t even realize where I was. I pulled in front of the bar and entered. Smell of alchol and cigarette smoke replaced cold winter air. People were playing pool and darts in one corner, couples were kissing in another. Yelling filled my ears as I was trying to catch a sight of Dean or Sam. When I spotted Sam, I headed that way.

 "Hey Sam." I half-waved. The girl that he was chatting with left. "Sorry."

 "(Y/N) what are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be with your sister?" Sam asked somehow nervously.

 "She had to leave early. I came to see how the hunt went and if you are still alive." I took a bite of some snacks that were on the table. It was terrible, but nothing that I wasn’t used to. "So how did it go?"

 "Just as usual. Few bruises here or there, but nothing serious. Dean’s not here." He still sounded quite nervous, but I just brushed it off.

 "I can see that. By the way, where is he?" I checked around the bar, not a sight of him.

 "Uhh, I think he said something about leaving early for bed." A lie escaped him lips. Dean never in a million years would go early for bed when he can be in bar. I started to worry a little now.

 "C’mon, you and I know he would never do that. Now tell me where he is." I begged with my eyes.

 "I can’t tell you," he said, which got me worrying very much.

 "God dammit Sam, you are supposed to keep an eye on him. Now for  fuck's sake, tell me where he is!" I yelled, annoyed.

 Fear visible in his eyes, he pointed behind me. I turned around and had what to see. His hands and lips were all over some hoe that was wearing mini-skirt and top. It looked pretty heated and it took them long enough to spot me. When he spotted me, I could see surprise in his eyes.

 "I should go," the girl said, and left him sitting.

 "I…"

 "Save it," I cut him off and left the bar.

—– - ✦ - –— 

 "… she really did love you. And with one night, because of one girl, you blew it." I heard Sam saying before I entered kitchen.

 "I know what I did Sammy. I don’t need you to give me lectures about anything," Dean answered, annoyed.

 "Good morning, (Y/N)," Sam said. I couldn’t look either of them in the eyes, but I could feel that they were watching me. I took cup of coffee and left back to my room.

 I sat on my bed and stared at the bag next to my door. My mind drifted off to the last night again.

 I was sitting on my bed same as now, but the door was locked. I couldn’t cry and I wasn’t crying at all. I put on some music and laid down on my bed trying to realize what happened. ‘Dean kissed another girl. He kissed some girl, but not me. How did this happen? I saw him touching her all over and she was all over him.’

Before I could think any further I heard yelling at the entrance and then passing next to my room. Slamming of the door across the hallway. That made me go back to my thoughts.

'What if it was my fault? Maybe I pushed him too far? Maybe I was bad girlfriend and he had to search for replacement? Why didn't he say anything?' At the thought of this, tears started to stream down my face.

The old bag that I brought when I first moved in with them was lying on the floor. I picked it up and started to shove clothes inside. I couldn’t stay here anymore.

 A knock on my door pulled me out of my thoughts. I didn’t say anything. Another one and person behind the door entered. Dean.

 "I know you don’t wanna talk to me – hell if I was you I wouldn’t even want to look at me, but can you just hear me out. I wanted to say that I’m sorry for what happened and I’m gonna do anything to make it right again," he said and after a short break he left.

 After some time of thinking, my decision was final. I put mug on nighttable next to my, now old, bed. Taking my bag in my hands I looked back at place that was like my home, at least for a little while. I tried to make as little sound as possible. The boys were sitting in living room. Dean was watching TV and Sam was on his laptop.

 "So I guess this is goodbye, then," I said and started to make my way up the stairs.

 "Wait, wait. Where are you gonna go? What if you get hurt? Sam, tell her." Dean jumped up from couch and took my hand in his.

 I pulled it back. "I can’t be here anymore. This raises so many questions and it hurts. You know, I was up the whole night trying to think of a reason and every single thing lead me to myself. Was it something I did? ‘Cause I’m starting to think I wasn’t fucking good enough," I said as new tears formed in my eyes.

 "No, it wasn’t you. It was just me," Dean said, looking down at his feet.

 "I was with you two for three years. Two of them, I watched you get drunk and take advantage of other drunk girls. But then we started dating and I thought you changed. I think it was pretty stupid of me to think you were ever gonna change." I let a few tears fall on my cheek and quickly wiped them away with my sleeve.

                The library opened at around ten in the morning; I entered when they unlocked the doors and didn’t even think about leaving until around three in the afternoon. I had volunteered to walk home, as long as Dean dropped me off, which he had. It wasn’t ideal with the snow reaching my knees, but I wore snow pants and boots and was bundled tightly with a large coat, several layers of flannel (the Winchester way, after all), and a knit scarf.

                The way home was through the last mile of town, and then down a long gravel road. As I walked down the street, I was mildly pleased to find that there were hardly any cars driving on the roads. It was quiet except for the distance laughs and yells of children playing outside. I smiled and hugged the books inside my jacket tighter, blocking the wind from getting inside.

                As I walked past a motel, I noticed something familiar: the Impala was parked outside one of the rooms. I knew it had to be Dean’s, there was no way anyone else in the small town owned one that looked exactly like his. It seemed odd to me that he would be in a motel room when the bunker was just two miles down the road, and he hadn’t said anything. It was especially odd that he wouldn’t tell me because he was my boyfriend, and he usually told me everything. I slowed my walking, squinting at the window, trying to see through it. As I watched, the door opened just a crack. A slender, manicured hand appeared and hung a “DO NOT DISTURB” sign on the handle before closing it again with a snap. I froze completely, eyes now wide. Mere seconds later, a gorgeously curved body was pressed against the window and two rough hands appeared on either side of it. They were gone just as quickly as they had appeared, and I stood in shock for several moments.

                Eventually, I gathered myself and decided I should just walk back to the bunker. Maybe it wasn’t what I assumed it was, or maybe it was a different room and a different man with a woman. The wind picked up as I walked, and I wrapped the scarf around my mouth and nose. Continuing to walk, my mind whirled, trying to come up with excuses for Dean. He wouldn’t do that, he had promised never to do that. For a moment, tears pricked my eyes, but I angrily wiped them away. Hunters didn’t cry. And we were adults, I could carry a normal conversation and ask him about it when he got home.

                I finally reached the bunker. My pants were wet and my feet were soaked and freezing. Luckily, the bunker was warm and Sam had made hot chocolate. He barely glanced up to acknowledge my entering before returning his attention to the book he held. I quickly stripped the boots and large winter jacket at the door before taking my books to my room. Once there, I quickly took off my wet socks and pants and changed into sweatpants and dry socks. I lost one of the flannel shirts, grabbed one of the books, and went back out into the main area to get some hot chocolate.

                I had been reading in my room for an hour when I heard the front door open. My heart skipped a beat, but I refused to move. I wasn’t sure I wanted to talk to him just yet. Listening hard to see if I could tell when he was coming down the hallway, I found myself staring at one word on the page. I heard his footsteps coming towards my door and when they got to it, the door opened to reveal Dean, a broad smile on his face.

“Hey, can I come in?” he asked. When I nodded, he crossed the small floor space to lay on the other side of my bed. We were silent for a moment until, butterflies in my stomach, I spoke up.

“So what did you do today?”

“Went to the bar, remember?” he said. He had his eyes closed, the smile still on his face. I watched him closely.

“You spent all of that time at the bar?” I pressed, trying to sound nonchalant. “That’s over six hours, isn’t that a long time to be there?”

                Dean’s eyes opened and he looked up at me. He sat up and watched me.

“Yeah, I guess,” he said slowly. “But that’s not unusual, I’ve spent entire days there before.”

“Those days were stakeouts, Dean,” I said. I had closed my book and tossed it to the end of the bed and twisted myself so I sat, cross-legged, facing him. “I saw the Impala on my walk home.”

                It was the first change I had seen in his demeanor since he had walked in. The smile on his face fell a little bit and he sat up a little straighter. The muscle in his jaw tightened and relaxed as he swallowed.

“I saw it outside the motel,” I continued. “What were you doing there?”

                I could almost see the gears working in his head as he tried to think of a logical explanation.

“It was a small lead on a case that Sam had found a while ago,” he said, a small nervous laugh coming out of his mouth. “The MO of the thing involved staying in crappy motels, just like we do on the road.”

                An odd silence fell in the room as I continued staring at Dean. He kept smiling, but to my odd satisfaction, it was tight and somewhat forced.

“I saw the girl, Dean,” I said. My voice sounded detached, as though I were watching the conversation from several feet away. I felt dizzy, and I felt tears come to my eyes again. “I don’t know how long it’s been going on, but I saw her. And I saw you. In that motel room. With the 'do not disturb' sign on the handle. It wasn’t inconspicuous in any way, just so you know. If you want to hide an affair or secret love-making session, don’t push them up against the window.”

                A few tears escaped my eyes and I brushed them away with more force than was probably necessary. Dean continued to stare, although the smile was finally gone from his face. He had gone a little pale, and he almost looked like he had been slapped in the face.

“Look, I understand that I’m not enough for you,” I continued. He tried to interrupt, but I spoke over him. “I know that you’re more of a one-time guy and you don’t like attachment and I won’t have sex with you, and that’s okay, but I would have thought you would actually try to remain faithful or loyal or something. I mean, come on, Dean, you’re always talking about how important your loved ones are. Why would you throw it away? I don’t—I just don’t understand why.”

                I turned and swung my legs to the floor and stood up. Facing him again, I finished, “I’m going out for a while. I guess we’ll have to talk later or something.”