i was afraid she might not want to be around me, because i think the last time i spoke to her i was very agitated and made some kind of death threat
but fannie says i make too many death threats, and no one is afraid of them anymore.
fannie brought me some coraseed buns. they had koja nuts in them. my favorite.
you know, fannie is prettier and nicer than me. i am sure that if ben solo suddenly decided to choose a girl, he would choose her. i do not usually trust human boys who date twiâlek girls, but if ben solo dated fannie i think it would be fine. just my heart would be broken, but that is all.
do you know fannie and deirak have still never kissed? fannie says itâs because they want to wait so it will be more special, but i think itâs because she is not actually attracted to him.
anyway. fannie and i didnât talk about boys at all. because we had better things to do than to talk about men.
well, actually we did talk about men a little bit, but only because we were talking about our families. she was telling me about her father.
i have never really seen fannie angry. but she seems very conflicted when she talks about her father. she told me how her father treated her like a slave when she was younger.
she told me that once, when she visited ryloth a few years ago to see her family again, her father hosted a party. there was much debauchery and much drunkenness, and when he was really wasted, fannieâs father tried to get her to dance for his guests.
fannie said no. her father asked again, and she said no. then he grabbed her arm, and fannie pulled out her lightsaber.
she didnât hurt him, but he was surprised, and that gave her the chance to run away.
the next morning, her father didnât remember any of it, and fannie didnât tell him.
âhow old were you when that happened?â i asked.
âi was thirteen,â she said.
thirteen.
i hope my father is not that kind of man. i donât even know if he is alive, or if i will ever see him again, but i think i would feel better if i knew i was not descended from that kind of person.
i asked fannie what her mother is like. fannie says that her mother is like her: kind, maternal, soft-spoken.
i believe it.
she asked if i remembered anything about my own mother. i told her not really, except that my mother was kind of weird. she would say people were chasing her, when there wasnât anyone there. sometimes she forgot who i was, or acted like i was a monster or something. she was convinced i could tell the future. i think she might have been on drugs? or maybe there was just something wrong with her brain.
when she was in her right mind, she was okay, i guess. she would sing a lot, and stroke my head-tails to make me fall asleep. she used to call me âmali.â she taught me to speak togruti (but after i came to live with luke i only spoke basic, so now i canât anymore). when my mother remembered i was her daughter, she would go hungry to make sure i had enough to eat.
but that was only when she remembered. otherwise, she would leave me in random gutters all the time. whenever that happened, i would use the force to track her down again, except i didnât know i was using the force. and then once i found her she would get scared of me and ask why i was following her.
sometimes, she would snap back into her right mind after she had left me someplace. and then she would search for me in a very distraught manner and once we were reunited she would hug me and cry ânext time, stay close to me mali; i donât want to lose you.â
and then maybe half an hour later sheâd forget all about me and leave again.
living with her was very confusing. i never knew what to expect. i never knew if today i was her daughter, or if tomorrow iâd be a strangerâi never knew.
and then one day when i am five she says âwe need credits, mali. we need credits or we wonât have any food. want to help me get some credits?â
and i say âyes mother!â
and then she says âgood!â and takes the ribbons from my head-tails and ties my wrists with them and drags me out to the street to sell me like an animal.
i was too shocked to protest.
i wonder if she was in her right mind when she sold me. maybe she wasnât. maybe she was in the middle of an episode, and then woke up later with the credits in her hands and her daughter gone forever.
i wonder if that would have made her sad. i am not sure. it was hard to tell if she really loved me, because she was loony half the time.
fannie asked if i loved her. but i donât know if i loved her or not. all i know is i was kind of glad when luke took me home with him.
but. i do still think about my mother sometimes. i wonder if she ever thought of me, afterward
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
â Live Streamingâ Interactive Chatâ Private Showsâ HD Qualityâ Free Actions
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
Do you think Fannie is using Deirak to get over her feelings for Ben?
âŚno. did ben tell you that? well, ben solo doesnât know what heâs talking about half the time.
i will not deny that deirak shares some similarities with solo. deirak is definitely not as attractive, in my opinion, but here are some things they have in common:
human
seventeen years old
enjoy writing
nerdy (ben is into history and politics; deirak is into art and film)
opinionated and into debates (but deirak is more polite than ben)
tall and lean (but ben pulls it off better)
see? you donât even need to meet deirak. just take ben and make some tweaks and youâve got deirak. heâs like a sprite recolor in a hologame.
anyway, i think itâs really obvious that fannie is still in love with ben. but, from what i know of fannie, she would never âuseâ another person for selfish reasons. maybe deirak reminds her of ben, and thatâs why she likes him. but i donât think fannie is trying to âuseâ deirak to get over ben.
besides, i donât think fannie will ever get over ben. and i donât blame her. i donât know what kind of pheromones that guy produces, but they areâŚpotent
i already deleted the coruscant cosmopolitan spread of ben solo on vacation, because i donât want to support a publication that profits off of misinformation and gossip and humanocentrism and the illusion of the class hierarchy and invading the privacy of celebrities-who-are-actually-real-people, and also. i am. already. kind of.. beginning to get over ben but. you know where i first saw that little holozine spread? on fannieâs datapad. HA!
Tell me five things about you that have nothing to do with Ben being a jerk
i would literally die for jedi master luke skywalker. he is the one person in the galaxy i actually care about. wish he liked me as much as i like himâoh wait, thatâs impossible âcause i love him so much
i would literally die for the survival of the jedi order. they exterminated us once; not happening again. whoever becomes the next little âanakinâ is gonna eat my saber
i say âhead-tailsâ instead of âlekkuâ because itâs more species-neutral. iâm not twiâlek. i have the thingies. i donât see why twiâleks should have ownership of the word.
personal opinion: humans suck (except for luke skywalker). the empire? all humans. the slavers? mostly humans. i canât believe people are still calling togruta, twiâleks, zabraks, etc. ânear-humansâ and âhumanoidsâ like what the kriff. why are humans the baseline? itâs 23 aby come on!
get ready for some controversy!!!! because i donât think humans and non-humans should mate. (sorry i know fannie has like a human fetish or something) i have a fear that one day in the future, there will be nothing left of our individual species and our diversity and we will all just be muted boring human-tinted mish-mash. besides, iâve said this to fannie before but find me a human guy who doesnât want a twiâlek girl just because thatâs the species he sees in the dirty vids. seriously. every human boy in the galaxy who has a twiâlek girlfriend probably just has a gross metal bikini fantasy and wants to see his lady move like one of jabbaâs slave dancers.
1) i canât see benâs blog anymore since he blocked me so...please tell me if he says anything important that i might want to know
2) i turned in my lightsaber to fannie for safekeeping because i still want to die and i donât think itâs safe for me to have such a lethal weapon close at hand
fannie didnât ask questions but she saw i was upset and she told me i could sleep over if i wanted
but i said no because i have other plans. which are. to spend the night in my room alone, probably crying and feeling distraught
i hate how dramatic i sound because i know that all of my distress is my own fault
maybe itâs good that luke never saw me as his daughter in the first place. he will certainly never see me as his daughter after this
being better than everyone else, being alone, getting to have master luke all to myself, lightsaber dueling, the look of fear on my classmatesâ face when they go up against me, telling people theyâre wrong, making luke laugh, joining spin-the-saber with the others so theyâre terrified they might have to kiss me, sizzling flies with my saber on hot summer days, looking at the moon, collecting small objects, fantasizing about the destruction of my enemies, making coraseed bread, eating coraseed bread, giving coraseed bread to luke as a present, eating lunch with luke, analyzing how much luke likes me at any given moment, pretending luke is my dad, giving opinions no one asked for, drawing shapes in the dirt outside my hut, seeing how long i can hold my breath underwater, cleaning the temple to make luke like me more, climbing tall trees, protecting fannie when sheâs in danger (deirak knows iâm gonna wreck him if he so much as steps out of line)
and destroying humanocentrism
humans are responsible for ruining our galaxy. luke is the only good human i know
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
â Live Streamingâ Interactive Chatâ Private Showsâ HD Qualityâ Free Actions
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
I didnât know it was your birthday!!!!!! Happy birthday!!!!!! Sorry iâm late!
aw geez donât make this all embarrassing yeah you didnât know because i didnât tell you. itâs not normally something i care about. i mean yeah iâm getting old so what
âŚthank you
now this of course brings up the question of why i care about ben solo forgetting
well i donât know but this is part of a larger sustained issue that has been going on for a some timeâŚugh iâm gonna need to talk to him about it arenât i
good thing ben solo has a long and well-observed record of reacting maturely and helpfully to criticism
okay mal that was mean. come on itâs not like youâre better or nothing
oh but fannie is. âoh fannie youâve always been better than me!â i am gonna tear my face off. itâs jedi school all over again. luke always liked her better too iâm so sure. ugh and i canât even be mad at fannie because who could be
not because it wasn't well-written (despite what he may think).
i didn't like it for strictly personal reasons. which is that i have, at times, been really close with ben. and at other times, been really close with fannie. there was a time when all three of us used to be pretty close.
and now i don't feel close to either one of them anymore.
ben mentioned me in the first chapter. you know, the first chapter that was part of the section he said he'd cut, given the chance. he wrote a novel about fannie, and he had two sentences to say about me. i lost the friendship with fannie first, when i left the jedi...but for a long time afterward, ben was probably my closest friend.
and now i'm just a footnote, i guess.
my relationship with fannie actually improved at the end of last year, once she and ben broke up and she quit being such a simp. but...fannie's never seemed to see me the same since i left the jedi. the sister ben wrote about in his book is absolutely batskrit insane, but i get where she's coming from in some ways. ben doesn't seem to feel it, because he's so obsessed with seeing fannie as an angelâ"oh fan you've always been better than me etc."âbut...even if she's never said it, i know fannie pentarra doesn't see me the same way anymore. and it feels a little unfair, because i think she and i have actually got more in common than she has with ben.
as for ben. he has messaged me back a total of five times in the six months since he started writing his book. and one of those times was to ask me to read his book, which i did, because that's what friends do. but replying to messages sooner than one month later is not what friends do apparently.
all that to say: it's cringe to admit this, when i'll be turning twenty-six in less than a week and you'd think me much too old to fall victim to such immaturityâbut it makes me feel bad that the two of them ended up getting so close and leaving me behind.
never mind the fact that they ended up dating. and for other strictly personal reasons i will not share...i can say with 99% certainty i am going to die alone.
like. do you know how embarrassing it is that ben solo will probably get to have sex before i ever do? if i ever do? i mean. come on. that is just. the lowest L a person could ever take, in my opinion. ugh. it is so over for me
anyway. i know no one cares. and i know i probably shouldn't talk about my friends like this. (if they even still consider me their friend.) but...i just needed to get that off my chest.
