my name is mal and i am tall

i’m kinda worried about my little buddy he said he was gonna talk to his mom after school and that he’d tell me how it went but that was like seven hours ago maybe he’ll get back to me tomorrow

sorry for what i said in the luteal phase

i was able to take some time today and kinda sort through all my crap. identified some things to chew on for the future. one being that the wedding brought up some things in me i didn’t realize were there. also the. the thing with kaiell.

so uh. now that i’m in my head i think i might try and see if i can find him online or something. i don’t know his last name but i think i could still track him down. it’s like the one single thing spacebook is still good for lmao

and if i find him. i’m gonna ask him out—I MEAN ask him to HANG out. with. with me.

i. got kinda excited thinking about it. actually.

i need to. ask him more questions about himself he was the one asking all the questions. i didn’t really learn anything about him heh i kinda. just got so overwhelmed by the fact someone was so fascinated by me that i blacked out and dragged him into the woods

yea looking back from his perspective i just. made out with him then disappeared the next day. and told him i’d rather take a nap when he asked me to hang out again oh man

my mission: find kaiell!!! and say sorry. and teach him how to shoot hoops better

this was like five years ago he probably doesn’t even remember the conversation. and i know what he meant. i just. think about it sometimes

arguing has always been a sport to him it’s kind of a problem. like i do enjoy sparring w/ him it’s what i love about our friendship honestly but sometimes you don’t always argue to argue. sometimes i really am trying to make a point or get him to see something differently. and he doesn’t always pick up on when that is versus when we’re riffing and maybe that’s just cuz ben solo is a little special.

or maybe it’s cuz he’s an asshole

but so am i a lot of the time and that’s part of why he’s an important friend to me too. we kind of have like this unconditional mutual amnesty thing. he gets to screw up forever and so do i and we know we’ll always be fine. i think we both get anxiety about it tho when we piss each other off. there’s the funny kind of pissing each other off and then there’s the not-funny kind. i guess i have a hard time seeing the line with him too

i do enjoy our relationship but it’s different from how he is with fannie he’s just so gentle with her. especially once they got together. like he messes with her too ofc he’s just annoying like that but he’d never talk to her the way he talks to me. sometimes i think about whether the way he and i relate like all the causticity is something i’d wanna change but idk we’ve just been this way our whole friendship for like eight years. idk if it’s something we can really change at this point

but i notice he does seem to listen better since getting engaged/married and he’s just a little softer i don’t mean in a bad way. like when he was checking up on me last weekend. i feel like maybe i could talk to him about it i just don’t know if i want to.

i don’t even think i liked him really i think he just looked like someone who’d be dumb enough to sneak into an artificial forest and make some mistakes with me. and he was

there’s no way he liked me either no guy loses at hoopball for two straight hours for any reason but to try and get lucky. and that stupid line “why’d you laugh when i asked if it was your wedding?” disgusting. can’t believe i fell for something like that

i mean. he told me i was pretty when he had me down on the ground that’s how you know he was just saying stuff and making things up. he was either blind or lying and even tho his hoopball skills could have served an indication of the first it had to have been the second

ate a lot of lentils today. idk they just tasted good

i kinda want a speederbike i think i’d look cool

why do i feel like this

i need to buy new underwear

i wonder what would’ve happened if i’d stayed at the school

why do i hate people for reaching out to me but also hate it when they back off

why did i have that dream

the kitchen looks nice in baby blue i could just stare at it all day in the sunlight

dammit used soap on the cast iron again

when the hell’s my period coming

i wonder if i could have caught him on the rebound when his standards were that low

am i evil

does she hate me

what would i do if my mother showed up at the door

is it weird to be friends with a seventeen-year-old

would i look good in black lipstick

they were gone. and it had just turned into my room. with my bed. and i was alone.

and naked.

partially because i apologized and partially because he teased me about…ugh…“my first kiss”…ew…

…with someone i will probably never see or talk to again

great.

yeah that’s definitely what i wanted for myself

well whatever it happened could be worse.

at least i’m not the guy who slept with his now-wife’s then-pregnant sister

forgot to mention this yesterday but solo was really concerned about me when i messaged him about the uh third glass of tevraki. sometimes he sucks but not always. he said i could call him literally whenever if i ever need but idk. now that he’s married i. well. i dunno

that thing he wrote about being married and how close he feels with her made me feel kinda sad idk why. like i know the feeling i’m supposed to have is “awww” but it just made me feel…not…that…

i kinda wish he would have a mental crisis again and come crying to me like he would all those times. even tho it was annoying. or actually better yet i wish he and fannie would have another fight that’d be fun wait WHAT am i saying. that’s. that’s horrible. i’m horrible

ugh i’m gonna go scrub the bathroom

in the middle of the night

i need a job. it’s not enough to work on the house

i was planning on renting out some of the rooms but that’s more of a passive thing. i need to be DOING something

and apparently i don’t hate kids as much as i thought i did.

they’re kinda funny. and it’s a good feeling when you can make a positive difference for young people even if it’s a small one

it’d be different tho. the kids at the summer camp are kids whose parents have credits. public school is. haha. different. public school on CORUSCANT is different

and i said “hi kaiell, i’m glad we met too, thanks for hanging out with me”

and then he said. haha.

“um this isn’t kaiell this is [that kid from kaiell’s cabin i talked to those two nights at camp]”

and then i just stared at my comms

and broke my one-drink-per-weekend rule

and punched something

like. damn. at least i didn’t say “thanks for letting me pick you up and pin you against that tree. thanks for turning me into dagobah swampland”

the cabin counselors are the ones with the mailbox key they distribute mail to the campers in their cabins. i didn’t address my note i just wrote my name cuz i figured kaiell would see it and know it was for him.

idk what. happened well it doesn’t matter now does it. you know what maybe it’s a good thing. i probably would have invited kaiell over to my house and i still don’t know him and i probably would have desecrated ms. narbella’s home and i probably would’ve gotten myself into a situationship so bad you’d think i was ben solo well whatever.

anyway i wasn’t gonna. ghost this kid and leave things awkward also didn’t want him to know there was anything between me and his cabin counselor so i was just like “oh shoot sorry i got mixed up cuz i interact with the cabin counselors more, yea i’m glad we could talk, hope you’re doin okay at home” and then he said “i’m with my dad this weekend” and i said “how’s that for ya i know he’s not super great” and we kept talking and i was thinking about my own parents the little i remember about them and again i just felt a lot like this kid was me and i told him about how i grew up on the street and how i was fostered with a bunch of other kids (not really accurate i just didn’t want to get into the jedi thing) so i had a parental figure but i had to share him and he said yeah since he has three little sisters and only one active parent the attention had always gone to the younger ones and he said “i’m sorry you went through that but it’s really cool that you care about younger people now you made me feel really seen” and i said “yeah you reminded me a lot of me” and we kept messaging back and forth talked about some other stuff talked about some of the stuff we had talked about before and then some other things and it was really nice. i’ve been really bad at being social since ms. narbella died like i had some pretty close relationships with our spiritual community but i kinda closed off when she passed and everyone was trying to reach out to me cuz it was just too much you know and i guess i got used to being alone again i forgot it’s nice to talk to someone sometimes and like yea i talk with ben he’s my closest friend and things have been better with him since this year that he’s been more stable but a lot of the time we’ve been talking about fannie and so i was really enjoying our conversation a lot till the kid was like “i should get to bed i’m trying to reset my sleep schedule bc first period starts at 7:15am at my school” and that was when i realized first of all that it was two in the morning and second of all that i’d had the equivalent of a third drink bc i hadn’t put the bottle back in the cabinet and i’d been topping off. and thirdly. oh yea. i was talking to a seventeen-year-old

annoyed about the tevraki because now i have to text ben solo about it and move the liquor to the attic and go dry for two weeks. this doesn’t usually happen. i was just. you know. the whole “um i’m not kaiell” thing kinda threw me for a loop

yea i can be normal about this. i’ve been very normal lately. i can be hinged

should i. ask ben for help. NO HE’LL MAKE FUN OF ME or even worse he might be ugh…supportive…nonono i can do this on my own

maybe not entirely on my own. maybe with half a glass of tevraki.

a full glass

no i’m joking max one drink per weekend if i’m alone (which is usually)

what’s wrong with me man. this sucks

well in other news i went through another box in the attic today. i’ve been tryna find stuff i can get rid of but it’s hard like everything i find is part of her story

it’s just weird i don’t have anything like that. well first of all i don’t have anything from my life before the jedi school (besides the yellow beads my dad (?) gave me) and then i’ve had a bad habit of burning/destroying/disposing of all records of my past self at all times because i just find myself so embarrassing i don’t ever want to remember anything about myself ever.

see i don’t hate myself like i used to. my current self that is.

it’s past me i can’t stand

the day after we played hoopball

so like the day after i’d met him

basically

i’ve never felt anything feel so good in all my life which kind of makes me feel bad. like we didn’t even do that much but it felt way more intense than anything else i’ve ever done or felt before because. well. for the first time i wasn’t alone

and i can’t stop thinking about it and i hate myself

i don’t feel guilty for having kissed somebody that’s not it it’s more. it’s just disgusting to me that someone could have this level of power over me and i don’t even know him really and i kind of hate that i’m so weak

i had to change my underwear both times cuz i got so worked up i felt like i’d pissed myself. i think i was ovulating or some damn thing idk i’m getting all moody and weird now and i’ve been eating stuff like crazy this week so i probably was

and i hadn’t done it. at all up until that point. i’d tried really hard not to because. you know. kids everywhere. but i just couldn’t—well this is embarrassing and frankly kind of messed up but i. thought about him. in the girls’ cabin. while i was lying in bed. surrounded by my 12yos in the bunks around me. i tried to wait till everyone sounded like they were asleep and then i gunned it went for quick and stealthy under the covers i think i made record time. it def didn’t take long lmao

and…it’d been a while since i got the “you should die” thoughts. but…i got them after i’d done it. because. really? really?

went out to the porch after i’d gone to the bathroom and washed my hands and a little bit later that was when the kid from kaiell’s cabin showed up. and i. i guess that was also why i ended up sharing so much with him. cuz the feelings were all so. fresh

“i feel like girls aren’t safe around me” he said in tears. ugh felt that felt that felt that

is it weird that i find myself thinking about it. he told me kind of a lot. maybe more than i should know. i told him to stop and tried to make it sound like i was grossed out but that wasn’t really exactly—ugh why does my head even go there why is my brain so ruined they’re my friends i know them i respect them i value their dignity and privacy this is just so weird and wrong

delete this later delete this later delete this later nightposting is bad we say stuff we regret at night FORCE i hate myself