#extremelypersonal

So this ask has been sitting here for a while now and I never knew how to answer it. I still have no idea how to answer it but here goes nothing.

My dad was deported when I was 16.

This is one of the biggest influences of my life. I lost my father in many ways, even though he is still alive today. It caused a huge financial strain on my family, affected my sisters, and most definitely affected my mom. But for me personally, it’s still strange not having him around. My dad and I weren’t very close to begin with, in fact I always felt like I was never good enough for him. It was always “why aren’t you getting better grades, why aren’t you first chair?” But I would much rather have that than nothing at all. I haven’t seen my dad in 4 years and I talk to him maybe once a month. I honestly have gotten really good at not thinking about the void that he left.

My story has always been who is worth giving up parts of myself for. Until recently, I never put myself first and I always sacrificed for those around me. I used to lash out at those who I could trust, I used to be extremely verbally abusive, and my self-esteem was pretty much non-existent. I used to think that I was worth less than dirt.

I always appreciated the little things in life, like the way a full moon illuminates the world, or the way tires sound on pavement when it’s raining. I’ve learned to love the little things because if I can’t notice and appreciate the little things in a day, life becomes dull. I’m always finding reasons why life is still worth living because one day I feel like I might go back to the mindset of “why should I even try?” I battle depression often, and it’s currently the worst it’s been in a really long time.

I was a student leader striving to build a community and a home within on campus housing. I constantly worked to ensure that people felt safe so they could experience college in a way that helps build relationships that will last and experiences that help them shape themselves. That has been my identity for the past two years and I’ve recently lost it because I couldn’t keep my grades up. I’ve lost a big part of my identity recently and 2016 will be finding a new identity.

Until recently I’ve discovered what it feels like to put myself first and it’s so rewarding. To become a better me makes each difficult day worth.  I’ve learned to love every step of my journey because it helped me get to the person I am today (wow that was so cheesy, but so true). I can’t take back all of the mistakes of made, the people I’ve cheated on, the people I’ve hurt. I can’t take back the choices I’ve made. I can’t erase my history. I’ve spent too much time thinking that I’m a horrible person because of the horrible things that I’ve done. I know now that I can change and learn from my mistakes. I know now that I am the person that I am today. I refuse to waste my efforts on people who don’t deserve my time.

God, sometimes I don’t get it.

You volunteered to die. You’re God. I don’t understand it.

But you didn’t just volunteer to die for no reason. You died for all the times I had premarital sex with people who weren’t my husband. You died for every swindle of liquor and blunt I rolled with the intention of getting incoherent. You died for everytime I cursed at my parents. For the times I watched porn with friends. For the times I hooked up with multiple people of the same sex. Even for the time I cheated on my math final.

I can almost hear you crying the entire time, begging me to stop all those things, telling me there is more to life than this. But you died for them nonetheless, God.

And you didn’t just die for me. You died for that ex who made a fake myspace about me, put nude pics up, and friended people from school. You died for the men who sexually assaulted me. You died for the man who punched me in a parking lot and sped off.

It confuses me, God. I believe you, but those people don’t. And I don’t understand why you died for me.. Let alone why you died for them, God. Aren’t you perfect and holy and the essence of justice?

But at the same time, I do, God. You love us all so much; more than any spouse or parent or child ever could. Your love is incomprehensible, unexplainable. Your Son dying was the only way our naturally evil selves could ever have a chance at being in Your perfect and holy presence. Without the only perfect and holy one in the universe - You - shedding Your blood on the cross, we’d have zero chance.

It was THE ONLY WAY.

AND YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO DO IT.

You love us so much, you sucked it up and did it anyway. The gruesome cross, wrought with your darkened blood, tearing at your stretched flesh. You did it anyway..

So now we have not just an opportunity, but a choice. We have a decision. We have free will. To believe or not to believe you. To follow or not to follow you. To love or not to love you.

One choice, one decision leads to an eternal life without you. One leads to an eternal life with you.

I want you to know that I loved you. It probably doesn’t and won’t ever matter to you at all anymore, or ever, but it will forever mean something to me.

I have learnt so much from this relationship. I have learnt to be patient, I have understood that I learnt to love someone who least deserves it - but to me you deserved my love. My friends and (some) of my family must be thinking I’m crazy for saying that but I did love you. Because why else would I have stuck around? Why would I have still continued being with you even when you treated me like I had no feelings. Please don’t take this as an insult but you didn’t have much to offer, so believe me when I said I love you for who you are, and even loved you when you had nothing.

Why did I have to give you the ultimatum? Why couldn’t we just be an ordinary couple like everyone else who is hopefully hopelessly in love with each other? Why did things have to be so difficult for us?

I feel like I have memories of you everyfuckingwhere. I remember you sitting on the curb outside my house crying out of frustrating because you really wanted to see me but I didn’t and every time I walk to the toilet from my room I get a glance of that curb and my heart aches like crazy, I remember you squatting outside my house eating cold soggy fries when you were dying to get to me (and I cried and cried and cried at the thought of you suffering- to which I wanted you to for all the things you’ve done to me but my heart still ached at the sight of you). I remember you walked all the way from CGH to my house because you had no money and wanted to talk to me aft a quarrel we had and today as I left CGH after getting checked on the implications of the extreme fight we had, I remember how we walked all the way back from CGH, when we missed the last bus. I remember feeling sorry for how you had to walk all the way to me the last time, and I didn’t complain the whole walking journey because I loved you, and my heart ached at the thought of you and some of the sacrifices you’d make for me. I remember that journey so well because I have never enjoyed a 59 mins 4.4km walk (according to Google maps) with anyone, ever.

I have many more memories of you but these are what always makes my heart soft for you. These are memories extremely close to my heart and very personal to me. But I guess no matter what, that still doesn’t strike out any of the pain and hurt you inflicted for me not just physically but emotionally too. I guess you do get hurt both physically and emotionally too after all that we've gone though and maybe you're not vocal about it- but I'm ever so sorry because trust me I really do not ever want to intentionally hurt you or anyone at all.

I never thought that I would have to really lodge a police report against you and decide to pursue this whole situation that happened today (I guess at this moment I’m still really too overwhelmed to decide if I’m really going to take it that extreme), but you really drove me to my wits end and I was left with no choice. Aaxel, I would have never in my life done this to you and I would have never in my life cause hurt and trouble on you with the intention of doing so. I have loved you so much that I never dared doing what I did today even when I said I would - because I would have done it a long time ago if I didn’t love you one bit.

If I decide to close this case and leave you with no consequence to face, please take this relationship as a good example to learn to improve yourself because I will. I’m sure somewhere in you there’s a great person capable of wondrous things. I know you are capable of loving wholeheartedly so please find some solace in yourself and be a good person.

Everything is so emotional for me right now. I can barely talk about you without wanting to cry, I can’t look anywhere or I’ll have memories of you. I can’t help but think how happy we could have been if none of these have happened. I can’t help but feel that somewhere in me I still love you and that’s crazy of me.

I don’t know if this is right but I hope you don’t remember me. Carry on with your life being a good person which I hope you will find in yourself.

There have been other changes as well. The number one thing I want to do lately is ride. The road has to be one of my best friends these past couple months. When it rains, I don't do anything. I stay inside and sulk until the road is dry enough to get out there. I know once I get my car up, nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing is going to stop me from just spending time on the road with no one to talk to and no one to care for. It's strange because I used to be so dependent on social interaction, even though at the same time all I wanted to was to be alone with my thoughts.

A year ago, I was in one of the best relationships I could have asked for. Here I am, 7 months after the break up and all I can think about is how I miss her and would do whatever it took just to have her back in my life. Even if we weren't together, I just want to hear her silly laugh, see that cheery smile, or even smell that light fragrant which helped me fall in love with her all those years ago. Our would be anniversary is coming up and it's the first time in 5 years that I'm going to be alone on New Years. I thought that I was over this pain, but clearly I'm not. I guess I just need to get past these first few milestones before I can be over it.

Also a year ago, had you asked if I wanted to go out for a drink, I would have laughed and said, "Are you serious?" Everyone who knew any little thing about me knew I was super sober. There weren't too many people alongside with me who enjoyed a 100% sober lifestyle. Even my best friends at the time couldn't say that they were as clean as I was. Fast forward four months and I have my first set of real drinks. Then all I want to do from that point on is continue to drink. Fast forward again to October. I get so sick from drinking, I end up vomiting blood for almost 48 hours straight. Then I realize, well shit. Maybe I should stop drinking. So I do. Here I am, time is just around the holidays and all I want to do so drink. Every night. If i had the money, I'd be out drinking whenever I can. 

There was also I point this year when I was highly suicidal. For very little reason other than no one would care. I emailed one of my childhood friends who actually means so much to me but wouldn't give two shits if I ever harmed myself. The email I had sent her is not the nicest of emails and there was a lot of passive aggression in it as well.

>tl;dr  >I just need someone to vent to about how all I want to do is kill myself >I also need that very person to not care >I know you wouldn't care >That's why I went to you.

That is probably not the best way to  a)inform someone of your suicidal intentions b)make them feel like they matter in your life c)keep them from thinking they're part of the problem when they could have been the solution

I followed the email by consuming edible hallucinogens every day for almost a week straight. Again, if you had known me, that was the last thing I'd ever do. I don't mean to play the blame the break up game, but at the time, that's probably what I was thinking.

I've also been noting a diminishing amount of sym- and empathy lately. I've grown numb to the horrendous shit that goes on in the world yet again. I'm losing my compassion for mankind and I question if it's worth trying to save at this point. I've also felt like I lack any significant value in the universe. We really are nothing but stardust, so why does any of this even really matter?