#imawreck

It was hard not having someone to turn to through all of that, the beatings, the guns being waved in my mothers face, the times I was thrown against the wall and choked until I passed out, the times when I would get thrown over a car or my hands slammed in a car door. My life growing up was hard, and I felt abandoned by my own family, a failure from the age of 5 and so on. 

I had to grow up on my own, passed from house to house like someones unwanted trash and unable to get along with anyone I lived with. I became a loner, one connected to his video games and nothing else. I had almost no friends in the past, and relationships were always difficult for me growing up. I refused to allow myself to be attached to anyone for long because I was afraid that I would ruin their lives much like it felt that I had ruined my parents. I was afraid to open up to people, and still am, but I’m trying these days to be better for it.

After school I didn’t know what to do with my life. I lived in a dump of an apartment, lost my job, my girlfriend, my car was repossessed, my father was the landlord but he turned off my heat in the middle of winter along with my electric since I couldn’t afford the rent. I was considering jumping off a waterfall near where I lived because I had nothing left to look forward to.

Something convinced me though to keep going, and I did. I found what I thought was going to be my dream job, though it now stresses me to the point where I can’t function some days when I get home. At least though I have the means to survive. I met a girl who I thought the world of, though I realize now that we are so very different but I can’t seem to find it in my heart to walk away even though my brain has thought of it numerous times. I got married, bought a home, and nice things but I still feel incredibly wrong and empty at times. I feel like no matter what I do it’ll never be good enough, and someday people will see me for what my parents did when I was younger and throw me away like a piece of trash.

I fear being abandoned more than anything in this life, I fear everyone leaving me because it’s happened to me time and time again. I fear losing everything, going back to that shit state I was in while living in that dump under my fathers ownership. I cling to things and people to much, to the point where I probably suffocate them at times. I panic as soon as a hint of second guessing things I said or did creeps into my mind because I fear the alternative so incredibly much. I’m not truly as terrible of a person as I think in my mind, but I feel like anytime I make a misstep it’s one step closer to ruining everything I’ve gained in my life. 

I believe I have serious issues in my mind, no I don’t want to jump off that waterfall, but I’m so tired of being scared. I’m going to end up ruining my own life because of the way I act at times, or feel at times. It’ll never be something taken away from me, it’ll be me driving things to ruin on my own. I need to do something to head this off before it’s gone to far.