#exploring identity

• Use the gamma etc sliders to change images and hues

• Use procreate filters to add/take away and rearange the image

• Make several print outs

○ Black out, draw over, etc parts of the painting

• Draw versions that you like the most

• Draw a version of that in a different colour from task one

• Copy and print that at least 3 times.

○ Draw over the images, add, take away - make cute/scary etc.

Im 15 afab & questioning my gender.I outed myself as bi last year,but only to my friends & ppl at my school,my parents don't know it but I know that they would be supportive.Im now starting to think im a gay ftm.I would like to talk to an expert or smth but I can't go to a therapist without telling my parents & I want to be sure about it before coming out to my friends.All the sites & forums I've seen talk about waiting to figure out for myself but Im tired of waiting and still not knowing. :(

Tobi: Hey nonnie! I’m sorry to hear that you’re frustrated with the process of figuring out your identity. It can be a really tough process to go through, and I hear you! It seems like you’re right smack in the middle of that journey and from experience I know it really can suck with how long it seems to be taking. However! It does also sound like you have a fair idea of who you are identity-wise and also expression-wise, where you feel a strong connection with a male identity but don’t really have any strong connection to a specific way of expression in terms of masculine vs. feminine. 

I am currently in my last semester in college and one of my majors is Adventure Therapy, so though I am not in any way a therapist at any degree, I am training to be one! Because of this background, I do highly recommend the chance to go see someone like a therapist or a counselor to talk to about what’s going on in your head to be able to have someone who isn’t a personal part of your life help with figuring out that tangle of thoughts and emotions. Of course it important that the counselors and/or therapists have a good groundwork of LGBTQ+ knowledge, and that you match well with that specific person. I hear your concern with not wanting to come out to your parents until you’ve figured it all out yourself, however one of the best things I did was be honest and open with my parents about the journey I was going through (again, considering that they’ll be receptive to you and understanding, which you seem to believe they would be). 

I understand the want to understand and have an idea of who you are and who you’re meant to be now but it’s important to understand that the age range you’re in now at 15, you’re going through the identity stage of life. There’s a stages of development theory by Erik Erikson that describes the main concern of human developments at different age stages in life (you can read more about it here!) and the one you’re in now is described as “identity vs. role confusion”. Taken from the article itself, it says:

“Our personal identity gives each of us an integrated and cohesive sense of self that endures through our lives. Our sense of personal identity is shaped by our experiences and interactions with others, and it is this identity that helps guide our actions, beliefs, and behaviors as we age.” 

I hope that this gives at least a little bit of solace in that lots of people your age, regardless of gender identity, are also trying to figure out who they are and how they are interacting with the world around them. The process also can be lengthy, I know for myself it took over a year to get any sort of definitive sense of who I was in terms of just gender, let alone anything else. You’re in a turbulent time in your life interacting with so many others going through that turbulent time. 

In terms of a question I can’t find anything specific, but I hope this answer helps you out with your process and journey! To sum it up, my best advice is to talk to your parents as well as keep talking with friends too. It can definitely be helpful to see if you can meet with a professional that has a background in LGBTQ+ knowledge and topics, but it is for sure not necessary, just helpful if it is an option. And finally, keep in mind that the process of figuring out yourself is something that everyone goes through and that it can be a long and frustrating journey, but it doesn’t have to be! You’re figuring out who you are (which is a continuous process throughout your life also!), so have fun with it! It doesn’t have to be draining and frustrating, but don’t beat yourself up if it does get difficult. I promise you’ll eventually figure it out and you’ll be happy you took all that time to reach the conclusion you did, I know I am!

I hope this all helps! Consider taking a look at a recent reblog we have up also that gives some tips on helping you through your journey in figuring out that identity! 

Tobi: Hey nonnie! Some tips and tricks I’ve picked up include:

- Finding a trusted friend to explore pronouns and names with (if you’re looking to change those), or to just talk to about what’s going on!

- Research online! This was a huge lifesaver for me, and the reason I’m so invested in the community today- there’s so many stories out there and an incredibly diverse culture that I fell in love with. 

- Start a blog. This kind of goes hand in hand with the previous bullet. It’s a good way to explore your own identity and finding ways other people explore theirs. As much as I love tumblr, if that’s the platform you want, be wary of who you follow. There’s a lot of people with very specific and deeply rooted opinions, so be sure to look into blogs before you follow them to be sure you know where they stand!

- Ask Questions. Lots of questions. There’s so many ask blogs like us out there, take a peek! Take a look at our answered tag too, there’s a lot of information just in there in terms of personal stories/instances! 

Tobi: Hey nonnie, that sounds like quite the struggle you’re going though and I’m sorry to hear you’re having trouble. However, I wouldn’t say the dream is stupid, it’s definitely something to think about and explore, and no one should fault you for exploring and figuring out your own identity. As for identifying as trans and non-binary, only you can decide if that’s the right label for how you feel you want to express your identity. You also don’t necessarily need to feel gender dysphoria to identify as trans either, you just have to have a disconnect between the gender you were born as and the gender you are. 

As for the thinking too much, I’d be a bit worried about people that don’t think long and hard about who they are as a person. I don’t think it’s possible to think too much about exploring an figuring out who you are. And finally, from what I gather “transtrenders” are people who don’t actually identify as transgender, but pretend to for the sole purpose of getting attention. I can confidently say that if you’re worried about being a transtrender, I don’t think you are. 

or at least, what I'm supposed to be.

What boxes you want me to fit in.

What boxes you say I could never hope to be in,

because I'm not your stereotype of that box.

But this isn't about you.

It's about me.

I know what I am.

I know who I am,

I'm Selene,

a part of The Moonsilver Forest,

a system of four.

I know that I'm a woman.

I know that my body refuses to match that.

And unfortunately nowadays,

I don't know what I am.

I've never particularly struggled with those parts of myself.

So why is this one the hardest thing to think about?

There are a series of words thrown about when I'm with friends,

all words they use to describe me,

based on their own experiences.

Autistic. Depressed. ADHD.

But I don't know! I'm not a professional.

I don't think myself personally qualified to decide on this,

and I can ill afford the time or money to find someone who is.

But this isn't a vent about that.

It's about the last word they use:

Therian.

I know (vaguely) what it means.

I can see why they may say it,

these friends, my family,

who know me better than I do myself.

My truest gender was never a struggle to understand,

why does species have to be do different?

Why can I not even after spending time to think come to any conclusion?

All in all.

Despite what anyone says.

I know who I am.

I'm Selene,

of The Moonsilver Forest,

and I'm a woman,

and I

might

be something other than human inside.

I know who I am,

but I also don't,

and that's okay.

Because one day I'll find out.

That all changed when I realized that I really do love someone. She is my best friend. I always imagined that if I married someone I would want them to be my best friend, someone who I can rely on and who I share interests with. Someone who likes my silly stories and characters and can listen to me rant about stupid topics for hours. And I've always wanted someone who will do the same. Who will tell me about what they think and feel, who can fill my time and brain with them.