#existential prose

A routine repeats itself and I remain silent when the shadows dominate my mind. In these moments I only want to rest; I do not want to argue, but I do want to rehabilitate myself and find the necessary peace that I must sustain if I do not want to fall into the depths, into the paper death.

I have tried to be someone I am not, but I failed. And when I was at the bottom I found myself and saw what I truly wanted to see: a worm repeating itself, that found the tree and the final segment of its oppression. It is neither wrong nor right, but I do know that now nothing will be the same and that is fine; it is part of me.

Because it was a sacrifice to get here and every sacrifice has a cost. I may not have walked or fought, but I was knocked down. Yet I did fight with my mind, locked up and caged, wandering like a solitary being, finding the contempt that others leave behind.

Now there will be no final destination, only a hole that will quench my thirst. And that thirst will fill my cracked lips that have now dried, and I feel that everything will return. But I doubt that I will drag myself back to the end again.

So I understood that I am not so different from you and that I am an image that detaches itself from the surface. It is not a pity; it is a bad deception that should have fallen in vain for being too mad, an obsessive who believed in God and in vigilance. But my power embodied Satan and I changed places so as not to show myself to the ridiculous and false world. It is not for me; it is because now I will be the one who decides and there will be no more tomorrow without a yesterday.

I do not understand which lines I must follow, but I am close to the path of the end, to completing my mission. And I must face this barrier that slowly drains me, that suffocates me, but I am very aware of it. I have no reason to fear destiny, nor to cry and kneel; everything has been a pity.

The muse of my dreams and nightmares. And the muse is beautiful, like a perfect ...

So I desire you, but beyond desire. This longing. This need. This urge. This impulse. This passion that burns in me. It can be blinding. It can distort my reality and make me selfish. It is a burden on my day. A constant itch that makes me impatient. A thing in my mind which makes me attached to what is not mine. So, I analyze the sweltering passion in this desire. So, I become the watcher of…

Questions from This Post!

***I actually received two asks for the from same post, and you have a couple of the same queries, so uh, my apologies I'm gonna copy paste those bc I feel bad about linking the other post as an answer lmao, but also, why write it twice lol

3. What is your writing ritual and why is it cursed?

I sacrifice the blood of my innocent characters on the altar of sadism and worship the Higher Powers in hopes they grant me 50 extra words to put into my doc

jkjkjk lmao

I don't have much of what could be considered a ritual. I usually like a moderately dim, quiet room, I brew some tea, put on a Spotify playlist full of neat but quiet instrumentals, and lay a weighted blanket over my lap, and I crack open both my planning doc and my ActualWritingTM doc and see where I'm at and which bit I want to work on :)

~*~

9. Do you believe in ghosts? This isn’t about writing I just wanna know

Uhh... Well, the feeling of eyes boring into your back and the sound of floors creaking in the night when no one's there is certainly unsettling (both true btw, I don't joke about that shit :bSweat:), but I don't think we have much definitive scientific evidence to prove anything about the existence of ghosts.

Just creepy anecdotes, unexplained occurrences, and horror campfire stories. And you have no real way to tell how exaggerated or not they are since you were never there. Or you never saw, even if you were. I think it's a lot to do with psychic and mind shit, so it's perfectly reasonable that one person could see a ghost and another, standing staring at the same spot, might not.

Personally?

I don't think our current science practices or approaches allow for large/reliable enough study into that field. We also might not have the technology. And we have the tendency to laugh at the psychics/mediums etc etc.

If I asked my uncle, I'm sure he'd say some interesting/existential stuff about about what it means to be alive, exist, and what our consciousness really is... whether the universe is real or just our brain's way of interpreting different stimuli... I would have to agree with the bits that I can wrap my mind around lmao

Short answer? I'm undecided, but if they wanna chill in my closet? Cool, just don't make a mess. You can look at my cool rock collection, ghost friend :)

Fun fact: I'm in the Danny Phantom fandom lmao because ofc I am

22. How organized are you with your writing? Describe to me your organization method, if it exists. What tools do you use? Notebooks? Binders? Apps? The Cloud?

I like to think I'm fairly organised-- I have different folders for different realms, and within those, the different stories set in those realms, and then inside those, I have note documents, outline documents, draft documents, and a snippet folder. They're all formatted the same, and the document names are also formatted the same.

I think it's very organised, and it helps me keep track of where I put everything so I can find it again.

24. How much prep work do you put into your stories? What does that look like for you? Do you enjoy this part or do you just want to get on with it?

I do sooo much prep work.

I am a notorious overthinker, and it shows in many aspects of my life, from my writing, to karate, to any kind of planning.

When I plan my writing, I make a lot of notes that stem from "main events".

For example, Timmy bb might need to go look for Pete in the aquarium. I'll write out what he does before finding Pete, and afterward, and I'll flesh it out with basic descriptors and emotions. It ends up half writing, I've started calling it 'scaffolding', because it sorta is.

E.g. Timmy blanches, he feels sick, and he feels his share of the guilt for getting it so so wrong. He should’ve known, he should’ve figured it out

It takes a little while, but if I already have the ideas, it's very quick because you can get a flow up very easily.

And then ofc, I come back several days, or even weeks later having daydreamed incessantly about it, and add more and more detail until it looks like Actual Writing.

Rinse and repeat and the process can take years :mElmoFire:

Shifting Phases though is a total fucking bitch because I started when I was 15 and wanted whump whump whump and didn't know how the characters worked yet. So, the plot is a constant battle, but I'm really making headway with the addition of 5 years of simmering on the cooktop :D

I suppose I do enjoy even the planning because it's still technically writing-- I'm not starting off on a blank page, and I have something to assist in the daydreaming :))