#existensial dread

Some days I wake up feeling barely on the edge of my own existence, like my consciousness has been poorly placed within my own flesh while I slept, I feel unable to make a decision on what to do like the wrong decision would finally snip the last tether and this flesh would drop like a marionette without strings and what's left of me would float off to some unknowable place.

I was ready to sleep until i suddenly started thinking about two things that utterly terrify me: the extinction of humanity with the subsequent death of the universe, and the thought that we’d all be mindless meat bags taken care of robots with no intention of letting us leave our “safe space.” are they both realistically going to happen in my lifetime? no, not really. do they scare the shit out of me regardless? yes. The sheer fear and dread I had in the pit of my stomach was and always will be more than any other terrifying thing i probably ever will see or experience, whether on my own or via other people. Luckily I took my medication so I fell asleep anyway.

Eating fills me with so much existensial dread and joy at the same time. I will repeat this action at least three times a day, probably closer to five or six times depending on the activities and I will do it until I die. The first thing I do when I wake up is to prepare and eat food, the first thing I do after training is eat food, the first thing I do after my first lesson is eat food, the first thing I do when I come home is eat food, my evenings are spent planning for the food, the last thing I do before I sleep is eat food. My body and millions of years of evolution threaten to shut my body down if I don't comply to these demands. I feel like a hostage in my own body.