Having to live a double life just so i can stay on this earth. (TW: Suicidal ideation/suicide mentioned, mommy issues etc)

Yesterday, i brought up to my mother again that i didnt want to wear the hijab. This was the first time i’ve ever been this vulnerable to my mother because i really wanted her try and understand me, and idk maybe have some empathy. But unfortunately , it didnt work out and i am still "forced" to wear it (it’s my body…).

I am going to uni in 2 weeks time and i have finally made up my mind that i will not be wearing it and will be secretly taking it out. I have realised that wearing it (as much as i would like to just handle it) has caused me so much distress, like i can’t even stand looking at my own reflection. I have been getting counselling sessions secretly to help me process these emotions as i have been having passive suicidal ideations for more than a year now and they have recently been getting worse since the school year is starting.

Okay. How to start this?

I think I’ll start from when and why I decided to start wearing the hijab. I was an impressionable teenager, influenced by my surroundings. Raised by a very conservative religious Arab family, I was thrust in an all girls Islamic school. In my extended family, I was the eldest girl not wearing the hijab. In school, I was one of 3 girls who wasn’t a Hijabi, so it felt like all eyes were on me. Everyone begged me to wear it, tried to scare me of the religious repercussions, and even resorted to shaming me on how I looked without it. I felt outed and alone for not wearing a scarf on my head.

Right before my eighteenth birthday came Ramadan and I knew that’s when I was supposed to wear it. “If you don’t wear it now, you’ll never wear it.” That’s the phrase that haunted my teenage soul, and god forbid I never wear it! God knows I desperately didn’t want to, but I felt pressured enough by family and friends to do so. My fear of what my family and friends thought of me was greater than the fear of what god thought of me, and that’s what ultimately led me to wear it. I am not proud, but at least I can admit that to myself now.

The five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

First year: Denial. I refused to accept that I hated wearing the hijab. I ignored it to the best of my ability and go on with my life.

Second year: Anger. I realized I hated it and it fueled me in a bad way. I noticed that my hate for the Hijab was finding its way to my faith, poisoning it quietly in the shadows.

Third year: Bargaining. I started telling myself, taking it off now and salvaging whatever is left of my love and faith to Islam is better than loosing my faith while wearing it. And hey, I am planning on wearing it after a few years, when I fully accept it!

Forth year: Depression. This one is tricky cause I have been struggling with depression before wearing the hijab, but after wearing it, things got messier.

Fifth year: Acceptance. My acceptance was different. I came in peace with the thought that I may never want to wear it, and now’s the time to take it off.