Dadzawa x lithium!reader (drabble)
cws: angst, not proofread, set a few weeks after part 2, cursing, depressive thoughts, Aizawa is stressin, bit self-indulgent bc of the nickname reader's mom gives them, reader misses Shoto, hispanic!reader lowkey? alternate if you want :) based on that Billie Eillish song
Shouta was never the best at being emotional. Hizashi knows it, his students know it, he himself knows it.
It wasn't apathy, far from it actually. He felt too much, every since he was a young boy. His heart felt too much that he eventually learned how to numb it out.
Shouta's been through heartbreak many times throughout his life, yet his young self promised never closed his heart off and held onto that light called hope–
Oboro felt like a splash of cold water, made him feel numb and sick on the inside every time he's reminded of the accident.
He closed people off after that, an action his heart screamed at him for yet his brain said it was logical. You couldn't grieve over a loss if you had no one to lose. Your heart doesn't have to suffer if it doesn't love–
So why does it feel like he's dying everytime he passes by your door?
Regret seeps into the back of his brain and lays its nest in there, lungs feeling tight everytime someone mentions your name. You weren't dead, not like Oboro. But you were gone, willingly and without second thought. Unlike Oboro–
Shouta's chest tightens at the comparison, fuck, why didn't he reach out sooner?-
Don't know where you are right now.
You were a civilian now, alone and God knows where. At UA, you had protection, a room and people around you–
The voice inside Shouta's brain screams at him, knowing full well that you were only seen after disappearing.
Ironic, isn't it? For people to ignore your existence when you stood next to them and only to be recognized once you were gone. God, Shouta was an ass–
Did you still care about your classmates? The few friends you had? Did you watch the news in hopes of feeling connected to them from a screen? Shouta wasn't a selfish man, far from it. Yet his heart ached in hurt wondering if a part of you bothered to look for him at all.
Right now, Shouta is grateful to have decided to be an underground hero. He hated unnecessary drama and attention, he loathed having people invade his personal life and acting as if they had a right to ask questions– he drove every camera and news reporter away as professionally as he could, they were an unnecessary headache he didn't need to deal with.
But most of all? Shouta hated the way he treated you the same way, ignoring your questions and existence as if you were one of them–
And right now? Aizawa Shouta believed he was the biggest jackass in the world for driving you away from him.
Were you safe? Did you have a roof over your head? Were you eating? Worries and self-loathing flood into his mind, asking every question and coming up with every scenario of where you could be- Shouta banishes the thought of your cold body laying still in an alleyway, hell. Were you even alive?-
No. No, you were alive. You will be. Shouta may be a bastard, but he was a man who achieved his goals. He will find you, safe and in one piece. No matter the cost.
Please. Please, don't hurt yourself. Shouta's missed the signs, God, does he know it. But he's praying to Whoever's in charge to keep you safe and warm in the meantime.
Yet a voice creeps into the back of his mind, wondering if you wanted to be alive after this. Now that he looks back, Shouta never really bothered to ask about you before-
No wonder you left. You were surrounded by people, yet you felt like the most isolated person in the world.
Like him. If Shouta wasn't drowning in regret and insomnia, he might have laughed at the irony of it.
The ground is cold where you lay, back pressed against the wall as your fingers braided the grass beside you. It was quiet in your mother's garden, evening sun seeping into the flowers and trees as the fountain gave the birds water and a bath. You were home, surrounded by memories of your childhood and the peacefulness of the outside.
When had you stopped noticing the little things?
Your eyes stare at the scenery in front of you, a set of swings next to a tree and bees pollinating your mother's bed of flowers. Home, your body said. Lungs breathing in the fresh air and your nerves calmed and stress free.
Your stomach was the first thing that spoke out loud, feeling empty and you wonder when was the last time you've eaten out of kindness for yourself.
I'll try not to starve myself,
You close your eyes, sighing as you stand on your feet with a grunt and walk back inside of the house. Mama should be on her way from work, now. She wouldn't want you to starve yourself. Your mother is all evening sun and soothing waves in the ocean. She's nurturing fruit and the animals that watch over you. Without her, you're a shell of yourself and a stranger's face.
Your eyes drift to the kitchen counter, spices, fruit, the mini oven and your favorite Showa Godzilla coffee mug. You don't feel like making something from scratch, and there's no ramen except for the packet of soba-
Your heart sinks to your stomach, oh God, no, no, no- you didn't want to think about him, was he okay? No, no, he was fine. He- he had friends, his family was in a better situation now, he didn't need you anymore.
Your heart breaks at the mere thought, yet a part of you feels guilty for feeling relieved of letting go.
Was this what moving on felt like?
You never really liked abandoning people, but that doesn't necessarily mean people felt the same way. You didn't feel the need to charge your phone since you left, things felt more peaceful that way.
You could care less about your former classmates anyway; they're just fine without you. Your brows furrow shoving your hands into your pockets as you glance at the kitchen window. Plus, they're keeping him busy. But they never really needed to get involved to make him ignore you.
Aizawa never really cared for you much, and it made you feel like you were being torn apart because of it. Back then, it sunk you deeper into depression and spiraling breakdowns. Now? You laughed at how naive you were to think that he could see you.
Aizawa Shouta was many things, a mentor who sought you out was not one of them. And- and you were learning to come to terms with that.
Tears pool at your eyes, feeling a weight release from your shoulders as you exhale. The door clicks, creaking open as your mother jiggles the keys and pops her head in with a smile. "Nena/e, I'm back from work! And I bought our favorite snacks when I stopped at the store!" Your mother has a mischievous grin on her face, tilting her head as she looks at you curiously. "What do you want to do together? We could watcha movie, go to a festival, or stuff our faces with these cookies that I bought!"
You blink at your mother, eyes softening as that warm feeling soothes its way back into your chest again. She is safe, she is home. "I don't mind what we do, mama. I just want to watch tv."
