#exbitch

Is it possible to long for something that you know you’d never want back? Perhaps this means his claws still have me by the jugular...

His name is *****. I still love him, but I never should’ve trusted him and you know what they say; Love without trust is hate. It’s hard to imagine every ounce of my unconditional love for him being converted to such an insatiable disdain.  It’s funny, maybe that concept’s not all it’s cracked up to be...

You’re probably wondering what could’ve possibly brought a person to do a complete turn around like that? Well, the truth is, there was no turn around. I think, deep in my heart, I’ve always hated him. I wanted to think that my first time would be something beautiful and sweet. It was neither of those things. He was not gentle... he made to attempt. And once I allowed this small, weak, nothing to enter my body, he tied a noose around my neck, and hanged me with it over, and over, and over from the bridge that connected me to the rest of the world.

So why not leave him?

Have you ever had someone choke you before? Try to picture that, their hands wrapped tightly around your neck, squeezing the air out until it bursts from every orifice of your face. Just as your eyes start to water, you fall pray to your baser instincts and the adrenaline makes you a slave to that next breath; that one you, just. can’t. get.

It doesn’t even occur to you, does it?

Its strange to think about it. His personality almost reminds me of the villains of The Walking Dead... He was deceitful like The Governor, but once you called him out, that’s it.    ...show’s over. ...but his punishments... I think even Negan would get squeamish. But unlike Negan, ***** had a certain choice of weapons in his arsenal and pain he inflicted wasn’t as simple as mere violence or brutality. No, *****’s weapon of choice was sex. You only had to do it once, that’s all it took, for him to own your ass, forever. 

Remember the breath? The one you, just. couldn’t. get? Well, he’ll give it to you. A gracious and reasonable man, he will restore you. ...for a moment ...but for a cost higher than death itself. But you’re not thinking about that, remember? You’re a slave to that breath. Like a heroin addict, you’ll fight, steal, lie, scavenge; maybe even kill -Because if you can just get that last breath; that one. last. breath. Then everything be okay...