Extremely Vulgar Fanfic Commentary: Mob's Kingdom, Ch. 2
Welp, I'm back and I'm a-commenting. Here we go - second round of this mucus-laden pile of brain-eating acid from the bowels of the Minecraft Archive of FanFiction Net.
Original Chapter
Previous Commentated Chapter
Next Part (coming soon)
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Author's Note: The start of an adventure!
Chapter 2: The Cube WorldĀ (Wow, so interesting. I'mĀ dying to read this.)
I shot awake gasping for air.Ā (Erm, wording problems much?)
"What happened?" I said out loud. (No one can hear your desperate cries for help, dear Najmi. Get your fat head out of the clouds and go and get on with it. Not even God with save you now.)Ā The Sun was beaming down on my head, and my vision was starting to return to me. My vision returned and I looked up at the skyā¦I was lying on my back on warm sandā¦
"Why do those Clouds look like Cubes?" I said. I stood up and looked around me and I was shockedā¦everything was in Cubesā¦the land, the Trees, the Sand, and even the Plants and Grass were in a Cube shapeā¦Ā (Cubes? What's the difference between Cubes and cubes? Oh, right; I forgot that this place is chock-full of the writing of someone having a seizure.)
"Whereā¦the hell am I?" I said while I looked around. There was no circles, triangles, or any shapes anywhereā¦everything was literally a Cube or a Rectangle.
"Hmmmm, I wonder if I can still pick things upā¦" I said. I looked down at the Sand and used my hand to scoop it up.
"What the hell?" I said as I tried to scoop up the Sand, but it didn't move. I tried harder and kept trying to scoop it up in tillā¦
*Crunch!*Ā (No, author. You shouldn't use asterisks in a story.)
The Sand I was trying to scoop up transformed into a tiny Sand Cube the size of a Baseball.
"Huhā¦?" I picked up the tiny Sand Cube and held it in my hand.
"How is that possibleā¦? The Sand was supposed to be scooped into my hand, not turn into a small Sand Cube andā¦how come the Sand is staying in a Cube shape and not falling apart?" I said as I stared at it.Ā (Talking to yourself is a sign of insanity~)
"What a strange world I'm inā¦I hope I can get back home." I said and looked around. I was in the middle of a Beach and a Forest was behind me. However, despite it being a Beach, there were no waves and the Ocean water was still and not movingā¦like a Lakeā¦Ā (Um, lakes have waves too. Hell, even my bathtub has waves. I think, dear author, that your brain has no waves at all.)
I walked up to the water and looked at my reflection. I was still normalā¦everything else was made out of Cubes, but my body and Backpack were still normal and wasn't made out of Cubes. I was actually the only normal and real thing aroundā¦
I felt the weight on my back.
"Oh, I should get rid of my Text books." I said and took off my Backpack and opened it. I grabbed my Science, Math, English, and Drama Class and placed them on the Sand. I had my Dark Blue shorts and Grey shirt for my P.E class.
I decided to keep my P.E clothes, Emergency clothes for later. I had 3 Sharp Pencils, Colored Pencils, a Ruler, and a Pencil Sharpener. I kept them too. My backpack was lighter and I put it on my back.Ā (Bitch, that shit ain't what you need to survive. Ya need protection, figure out a way to get rescued, water, and food.)
I walked away from the Beach and into the strange Cube Forest. The textures of the Trees and land were differentā¦almost as if I was in some sort of Gameā¦I still had the Sand Cube in my hand and threw it.
It crashed into a Tree and fell on the groundā¦the Sand didn't fall apart and it was still in its Cube shape. It was fully intact and it didn't even lose 1 small Grain of Sand. I walked over a Hill, well it wasn't really a Hillā¦a collection of tall Grass Cubes it was.Ā (This is Minecraft. Just fucking tell us it's Minecraft. Wait, I forgot that this has 2k+ reviews - maybe there's more stupid people other than the author of this pile of cow manure and dead calves.)
It was really quiet in the Forest; all I could hear was my breathing and the crunching sounds of my Shoes on the Grass. After walking for 4 minutesā¦Ā (We don't need no exact timing.)
*MOO!*Ā (MOAR ASTERISKS!)
I heard a Cow moo.
"Awesome, a Cow! Finally, I thought there were no Animals around." I said and ran towards the sound of the Cow. I went towards the Cow and found it walking aroundā¦Ā (WOAH MOAR ELLIPSES...)
"What in theā¦" No words couldn't describe what I was seeing. The Cow was completely made out of different colored Cubes. Brown Cubes for its furā¦its eyes were White Cubes and its Pupils were a lone Black Cubeā¦and its Nostrils were 2 Black Cubesā¦it had a Rectangular body and headā¦Ā (Luckily, most - if not all - of us have seen a cow in real life and can thus convert it to cube form in our minds without having a half-assed description.)
"Wellā¦it looks like even the Animals are made out of Cubes." I said and walked to the Cow.Ā (I thought they were spheres!)
*Moo!*Ā (No. Stahp it. No asterisks.)
The Cow mooed and wandered aimlessly around the land. I got closer to the Cow and started to stroke his back. Despite his back being made out of Cubes, it really felt like I was touching real fur.
"I wonder if I can find a Town, somewhere." I said and walked aimlessly through the Forest.
*Slurpy sounds*Ā (...not going to comment on how inappropriate this sounds in modern society.)
"What's that sound?" I said looking around. It sounded like that noise where you slurp something out of a straw. I stopped walking and looked around. I carefully listened to it and walked towards the sound.
I walked to a Tree and looked behind itā¦
"HOLY SHIT!" I yelled and jump back. There stood a Black Spider next to the Tree. It had 4 Red Cubes as eyesā¦it had a Cube head and bodyā¦it had 8 legs that were made out of Cubesā¦it may have looked silly, but it was still a Spiderā¦plus, it was the size of an average Dogā¦Ā (All these details are completely unnecessary.)
It spotted me and started to come towards me.
"Crap!" I yelled and ran away from it. The Spider was making strange Slurpy noises as it chased me through the Forest. After 2 minutes of running, I lost the Spider. I placed my back against a tree and breathed deeply.
"I lost itā¦" I said as I took a moment to catch my breath. I looked up to see that the Sun was getting close to the Horizon and my jaw dropped.
"What the fuck!? It's getting close to night time!? When I woke up on the Beach, it looked like it was morning. It's only been likeā¦12 minutes and the Sun is going down already!?" I yelled with confusion.Ā (Duh, this is Minecraft.)
"The world must not get enough day lightā¦" I said. I had to find Shelter quickly, if I found a Spider that large lurking in the Forest, who knows what other type of Animals or even creatures I'll encounter at night time.Ā (Please refrain from using awkward wording, thank you very goddamn much.)
I came across a Cave, but I couldn't go inside it because it was really dark and I had no flashlight, plus I might encounter another Spider or a new creature if I go inside. I ran up Hills and darted past Trees.
The Forest just seemed too stretched for miles; I looked up to see a Mountain in the distance.
"Maybe, if I go at a high point, I can find a Village where I can stay in." (Yes, because Najmi automatically knows that there's civilization in a world like this without any prior knowledge.)Ā I said. The Skies started to slowly darken. I ran towards the Mountain as fast as I can and ran up the Mountain like stairs.
Luckily, the Grass Cubes were in a Stair like formation on the side of the Mountain, which made going up really fast instead of climbing it. I ran up and came to the very top. The Sun went down and it was really dark.Ā (Author, please remind me never to read your fagfics ever again.)
The Cube Moon came out and provided me with some light, it was great, at least I was still able to see a little bit in the dark and travel at night time without a flash light. I looked around and a smile came to my face.
I saw a small Village that looked to be East, it had torches all over it. However, it looked like it was a little far away from my position. That's ok, because I now know where to go. I felt scared because I might accidently run into a Predator or some type of creature on my way there.
I opened up my Backpack and used my fingers to take out my 3 sharp Pencils.
"I can use them to stab the Predator in the eyes, then I can get away." (I can use my keyboard to stab the fagfic in the eyes, then I can post this.)Ā I said and closed my Backpack and put it on my back. I gripped the Pencils tightly and ran down the Mountainā¦
Little did I knowā¦that a pair of Purple glowing eyes shined in the darkness and slowly followed me as I ranā¦Ā (You didn't know this firsthand. Golden Rule of 1st Person's POV: Only write what's known firsthand.)
Author's Note: Damn, I wonder if he can survive at night time with no torches or a Sword. XDĀ (By using the powers of shitty writing and overly detailed paragraphs.)
Next chapter:Ā "Nightmoon"Ā (Hey, look! We know the name of the next section of this shitstain on the Minecraft Archive! How about instead of reading worthwhile fanfiction likeĀ Gone orĀ The Minecraft Chronicles, we'll read this hideous slab of plotless porn!)
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Well, alright. Ā Next chapter's coming soon.
