#everlarkstories

My family… The death of Prim still haunts me and I can never forgive Gale for what he has done. Even though he didn’t do it on purpose, he was the one who came with the plan. He didn’t know it himself, that they were planning to drop the bombs just like that, but if he just didn’t come up with the plan at all none of it would’ve happened. I haven’t spoken to him since that day, and I’m not in the mood to do it in the near future. Or ever at all. I also haven’t heard much of my mom lately. She stayed in the Capitol because it was too emotional for her to come back to Twelve. I can understand. If I had a chance to leave my old life behind and start a new one somewhere else, I’d also do it.

If it wasn’t for Peeta. I can’t leave him, and I won’t ever again. We’ve been through so much together. He’s the only one who truly understands me. Well, beside Haymitch, but it’s different with Peeta. I can’t really explain, only that I have this kind of connection with him that I never had with anyone else. Not even with Gale. I’m wondering what he’s doing today. Yes, I’m still mad at him, but I don’t hate him. I also wonder what would’ve happened if we just ran into the woods on that day of the reaping. Would we have made it somewhere safe? Maybe even ending up in Thirteen? And what would’ve happened to Peeta? He definitely would be going into the arena, but would he still be alive? Probably not. It hurts to think about it, so I decide to continue our conversation.

‘’If you don’t want me to go, that’s fine,’’ I say to him. He looks up again. His blue eyes have this gloss over them, like he’s about to cry. ‘’No, you can go. I just wish I could join you.’’ I’ve never thought about this, taking Peeta with me. Mostly because it didn’t go so well in the arena, him stepping on every single branch on his path. The cracking sounds could be heard within a radius of half a mile, chasing all the animals away. But maybe it’s different now, since he’s not having trouble with his leg anymore. I’m really glad he managed to walk properly on his artificial leg. Maybe it’s good to take him with me, so I decide to give it a try.

‘’You can come with me if you like. I’ve never shown you how I really hunt before.’’ His smile is coming back now. ‘’I’ve seen you hunt a couple of times back in the are…’’ He cuts off his sentence. I know he regrets saying it. We try to talk as little as possible about what happened in the arena or in the Capitol. To cheer him up a bit I start talking again and pretend I didn’t hear it. ‘’But you haven’t see me hunt here in the woods. It’s beautiful there. Have you even ever been to the woods before?’’ His smile vanishes again. Did I say something wrong? I hope I didn’t.

After a few seconds of silence he sighs and starts talking. ‘’No. My mom didn’t want me to go near the fence. She didn’t even want me to go near the Seam. So most of the time I stayed in town. The first time for me in the woods was actually in the Games.’’ There it is again, the face of regret. ‘’It’s okay, Peeta. Better to let it out than keep it in.’’ He gives me a weak smile. I take his hand and hold it for a moment. A couple of minutes later I get up from the chair. ‘’Let’s put on some woods-proof clothes.’’ He stares at me in a way that gives me the impression he doesn’t understand what I mean, so I decide to be a bit more clearly. ‘’Peeta, are you coming with me or do you prefer to sit there all day?’’ He shakes his head slightly while he gets up and follows me.

We’re on our way to the woods when I’m thinking about something. Wouldn’t it be nice to teach Peeta how to shoot? Then he can come with me more often. I decide to not tell him this yet. I want this to be a surprise.

We pass the place where the fence of our District once was. How many days I got to this exact same place, struggling to get on the other side of the fence, always checking if the power was still off. And now it’s gone. I lead Peeta to a tree with one of my father’s bows and arrows in it. ‘’This has been here the whole time? Weren’t you afraid someone would find it and take it away?’’ He couldn’t believe it. ‘’Yes. And no. Who would go into the woods just for fun? Taking the bow with me into Twelve was way too dangerous, so this was the safest place to keep it.’’ I love the way Peeta can ask these kinds of questions. Sometimes he’s so interested about even the simplest things. I’m really wondering what his reaction will be if I tell him I’m going to teach him how to shoot. While we’re walking to a more open area, I start telling him my idea.

‘’Hey, have you ever shoot before?’’ His face turns to me and I can see that he’s surprised. ‘’No, why?’’ This is my chance. ‘’Okay, then I’m going to teach you how to do it.’’ His face is full of excitement, but at the same time some sort of panic too. ‘’I … I don’t think that’s a good idea. I’m not really good at aiming and…’’ Excuses, like always. ‘’Well, I’m going to teach you anyway, if you like it or not.’’ I kiss him on his cheek and his panic disappears. ‘’Stand right here, legs spread out, just like that. Here, take the bow.’’ He does exactly what I’m saying him to do. ‘’You’ve seen me shoot before, right? Okay, try to tighten the bow like you’re aiming on a bird or something.’’ He turns his upper body and pulls the cord with his fingers towards him. I can see he’s shaking. ‘’Wait, let me help you.’’ I’m standing right behind him. My hands on his, trying to show him how to do it. ‘’See? Okay, now the hardest part. Aiming.’’ I let go of his hands and walk to his other side. His eyes are focused on me. ‘’To aim at your target, your eyes have to be straight in line with the arrow. The tip shows you where the arrow will hit.’’ He’s listening very closely to me. Another thing I like about him. I point out at a wild turkey. ‘’Try to hit that one. It’s okay if you miss. It took me a while before I got the hang of it.’’ He focuses on the wild turkey. He stands steady and stays quiet. The only thing I can hear is his breathing. He tightens the cord again and aims for the animal, just like I told him. He lets go of the cord and watched the arrow fly through the air. It hits the animal in its chest. Peeta’s mouth was open of amazement. I put my hand on his shoulder and smile. ‘’That’s amazing! Good first shot,’’ I tell him. I walk towards the wild turkey to get the arrow back and put the animal in my game bag. ‘’I know what we’re going to have for dinner this evening,’’ I say. Peeta’s still standing on the exact same place, smiling like an idiot. My idiot, who just shot his first wild turkey.

No, I’m not the only one here. Sometimes I hear them scream when they’re being tortured, Johanna and another girl, I think she’s called Annie. But then again, they also hear me. The Capitol is trying to get information out of us. They’re asking questions about some sort of rebellion, but I’ve no clue what they’re talking about. And after the questions, the torturing begins.

It’s awful. They’re showing me recordings of the arena. I’ve no idea why they’re doing this, probably to please me and get answers, but afterwards the hallucinations follow. Tracker jackers venom. I know how it feels because I’ve felt it before. I’m glad they only use the venom and not the animal with his angle. When the hallucinations begin they’re showing me pictures and again some recordings from the arena. It’s weird, since I can’t remember them exactly like that. On the other hand, it’s so real. Did it really happen? I’m questioning myself that after every session.

The more sessions I get, the more I can remember. Maybe I just forgot. The arena is traumatizing. Sometimes you try to get rid of the bad memories, try to turn them into something nice or just try to forget about it, but they will always be stuck in the back of your head. It’s painful to watch these recordings. I don’t know what’s real anymore. I can’t imagine I was chasing Katniss, wanting to kill her. We’re allies, right? But then again, did she really tried to kill me with that tracker jacker nest? Did she really aim that arrow at me when she found me, hiding between the rocks? Was she really refusing to get that medicine I badly needed after my fever got worse the first time in the arena?

They showed me how we were arguing if she was going for the package or not. I was saying that the blood poisoning was getting worse and I didn’t make it if she wouldn’t go, but she refused. ‘’I’m dead the second I get there! If you want to have it, go get it yourself!’’ I got mad. With all the strength I had left I threw a knife at her. I’m not that good at throwing knifes, so I hit her head, leaving a deep cut. Did I really try to kill her that moment? No, I didn’t. I care about her, but does she feel the same about me?

I hear someone scream. I can’t really make out who it is, but I guess the sessions are starting again. It all begun a week after they brought us here. Johanna and Annie are lucky. I’m not sure if they’re doing the same to them but they only have one session a day, I have three. They think I’m the most valuable one they have. I start to panic. I’m doing this since the fifth session, when I knew they were going to do this daily. To calm myself a little bit I’m thinking about home, District 12. It comforts me to think about the bakery. The smell of freshly baked bread in the morning. The compliments I got from my father after decorating the cakes. The compliment Katniss gave me…

The screaming stops. All I hear is a door slam shut. I’m scared. The sessions are getting worse. I’m trying to remember everything from the arenas, but it’s hard. I knew Katniss got that medicine after all the yelling and screaming. I knew I got hit by the electric fence. Her face when I opened my eyes again, as if she thought I was dead for a second. She was so happy. I’m glad they didn’t let me see that scene. It’s the only thing that makes me think she cares about me and she’s coming, even though I’m not sure if she’s still alive. But she has to. If they show me that scene, I’m not sure what will happen. I need to think about good memories. Good memories about her, but it’s hard. I just want to be with her now. I want to know if this is all true, if she’s still alive.

Suddenly, I remember something. The Capitol can’t show me that memory since it wasn’t in the arena. After the first Games Katniss broke her foot after slipping on ice. I dragged her upstairs to her bedroom and tucked her into bed. When I turned to walk back to the door, she called my name. “Peeta.” I turned back. “Will you stay with me?’’ Before I had even answered I was walking towards her. I laid down next to her, my arms wrapped around her. ‘’Always,’’ I said. When she was asleep for a while, I stood up, kissed her forehead and left.

I walked to the front steps of my house. Sitting there, watching over the ugly place. My head was empty. I didn’t know what to think. When I was watching the dead flowers, a song popped up in my head. Or well, not really a song. More some kind of melody. I had it before, when I saw Katniss standing in front of the bakery a few years ago. I went inside the house, picked up a pencil and some paper and I sat down behind the desk. I started to add words to the melody. After a couple of minutes I had some sentences on the paper which sounded really good. I never told someone I did this, but it didn’t matter. I’m not the singing type.

I hear another scream. After her, they’re coming for me. I start to rock back and forth, back and forth. Nothing can comfort me now. I know what’s coming and I’m not prepared. I’m never prepared. In a sudden, I remember the song from that day. I add some lines which come straight to my mind on a scrap paper, since I didn’t finish the song, and I start singing.

I don't know how to make lots of money I got debts that I'm trying to pay I can't buy you nice things, like big diamond rings But that don't mean much anyway I can't give you the house you've been dreaming If I could I would build it alone I'd be out there all day, just hammering away Make us a place of our own

I will write you a song That's how you'll know that my love is still strong I will write you a song And you'll know from this song that I just can't go on without you

I don't know that I'd make a good soldier I don't believe in being violent and cruel I don't know how to fight, but I'll draw blood tonight If somebody tries hurting you

I will write you a song That's how you'll know that my love is still strong I will write you a song And you'll know from this song that I just can't go on without you

Now that it's out on the table Both of us knew all along I've got your loving and you've got my song

I don't know how to make lots of money I don't know all the right things to do I can't say where we'll go, but the one thing I know Is how to be a good man to you Until I die that's what I'll do

I will write you a song That's how you'll know that my love is still strong I will write you a song And you'll know from this song that I just can't go on without I will write you a song That's how you'll know that my love is still strong I will write you a song And you know from this song that I just can't go on without you

A couple of seconds after I’m finished, the door opens. Two men walk in and grab me by my arms. Like always I start struggling, hoping they’d let go of me. That I can hit them in the head or something, run out of the door and escape from this nightmare. But if that was even possible, there are cameras everywhere in this building which means other guards would come after me and grab me. I don’t want to know what happens after that, so I stop resisting. Before my session started, I could only think of one thing:

I can’t do this anymore. I’ve no one left, except Greasy Sae, but I’m not really in the mood to talk to her. ‘’Breakfast is ready,’’ she calls from behind me. I turn from the window and walk towards the kitchen table. She has made me eggs and toast, like almost every morning. I’m going to sit and start eating the food, very slowly. All the hunger from the past few years, gone. Somehow I manage to finish my plate. Greasy Sae always makes sure I do, by sitting there until I’ve eaten it all. After that, she does the dishes and leaves. I’m alone again, sitting by the fire. The flames make me remember all of it. The forest fire. The outfits of the Games. The hospital. The bombs. It hurts, but it makes me stay focussed.

A couple of days later I feel it’s going to be a different day, but I’m not sure if it’s a good thing. I can see Greasy Sae standing in front of the stove, again making me some eggs and toast. It goes on and on. Her coming over. Me waiting for something. But nothing special ever happens. ‘’Spring’s in the air today. Why aren’t you going outside? I’m sure it will cheer you up. Maybe you can even go hunting.’’ It takes a few seconds before I realize she’s talking to me. I haven’t left the house since I came back from the Capitol. And why should I. It isn’t the same anymore as before. Everything is different now. And I definitely do not like it.

‘’I don’t have a bow,’’ I answer. ‘’Check down the hall,’’ she says. After she leaves, I decide to leave the kitchen and make my way down the hall. I end up in the study room. All the memories come back right at me. Those stupid berries. I should’ve eaten them and die, like I was supposed to. It would’ve saved me a lot of effort and pain. And all those people would still be alive. But now, they’re all dead because of me. And the worse part is that I am still here.

I look around and find a box with my father’s hunting jacket, our plant book, my parents’ wedding photo, the spile Haymitch sent in, and the locket Peeta gave me in the clock arena. The two bows and a sheath of arrows Gale rescued on the night of the firebombing lie on the desk. I put on the hunting jacket and leave the rest untouched. I’ve accepted the death of my father, but I can’t get myself in contact with the other stuff. I lay down on the sofa, trying to clear up my mind, when I fall asleep.

I find myself dreaming. Or well, it isn’t exactly a dream. It’s a horrendous nightmare, where I’m laying at the bottom of a deep grave, and every dead person I know by name comes by and throws a shovel full of ashes on me. Glimmer. Marvel. Rue. Clove. Cato. Cinna. Mags. Wiress. Gloss. Cashmere. Leeg 2. Mitchell. Boggs. Messalla. Finnick. Prim. And so many others. I try to call out, begging them to stop, but the ashes fill my mouth and nose and I can’t make any sound. Still the shovel scrapes on and on and on…

I wake from the sound. The scraping of the shovel continues. It’s hard to breath. Was this really just another nightmare? I run down the hall, out the front door and towards the sound. This can be it. Death. And I’m ready for it.

Instead the dark, deep hole I expected, I see him. I reduce my speed and make it to a walk until I stop. It can’t be. I’m sure it’s another trick. Maybe I’m still dreaming. His face is flushed from digging up the ground under the window. In a wheelbarrow are five scraggly bushes. I can’t make out what kind of bushes from this distance. What is he even doing? ‘’You’re back,’’ I say. He looks up, right into my eyes. It’s right at that moment that I know it’s not a dream. He’s real.

‘’Dr Aurelius wouldn’t let me leave the Capitol until yesterday. He wanted to make sure I could handle this,’’ Peeta says. He looks so well since the last time I’ve seen him. Still thin and covered with those pink burn scars like mine, but his eyes have lost that clouded, tortured look. He almost looks like the old Peeta, staring at me with those same blue eyes that used to meet mine and then flit away at school. Only now he holds my gaze. He’s frowning slightly while he does. I come back to my senses and realize I must look like a mess, because I am one. I try to push the hair out of my face and feel the clumps that are formed over the past few weeks. I feel ashamed. This is not how I imagined to meet him again. Not that I ever thought that I’d see him again. I push the feeling away and walk closer to him. ‘’What are you doing?’’ He relaxes his face. ‘’Yesterday the hovercraft landed on a small field with flowerbeds just next to the Victor’s Village. I saw these in the corner of my eye when I got out, but it was pretty late so I decided to come back in the morning. I dug them up and thought we could plant them along the side of the house. For her.’’ I want to yell at him. Tell him how ridiculous it is. At the moment I open my mouth, I see the bushes behind him and the name of the plant comes to me. Primrose. I close my mouth again, trying to look normal, and give him a nod of assent. I turn and start walking back towards the front door. When I’m around the corner I start running.

I slam the door shut and lock it. This can’t be happening. I sink to the ground, my back against the door. I want to scream. After a moment, a shiver creeps over my back. It’s not the plant or Peeta I’m angry with, it’s everything that happened in those last two years. Then I remember it. The poisonous thing upstairs in my bedroom. I force myself to rise and run up the stairs. When I enter my room, the smell’s still there. Not as strong as before, but it’s there. I walk towards the table, grab the vase, stumble down to the kitchen and throw the terrible thing with the rest of the dried flowers into the fire. Full of disgust and hatred I watch the flowers burn. The white rose, however, bursts into a blue flame, destroying it completely. Good. To make sure everything’s gone, I smash the vase on the floor. It shatters into a dozen pieces, spreading all over the stone tiles.

I run back upstairs to my bedroom and throw open the windows to make sure the smell gets out. But it’s already everywhere. On my clothes. In my hair. In my pores. I can’t take it anymore. I tear my clothes apart, walk towards the shower and scrub the horrible smell out of my hair and body. I wipe myself dry with the first towel I can find and walk back to my bedroom. I find something clean to wear that doesn’t smell like roses. Back in the bathroom I try to comb out my hair, without any success. I take some scissors from the drawer and start cutting it. Most of it was burned anyway.

I walk downstairs, back to the kitchen, when I see Greasy Sae, making breakfast. I walk towards the fire and throw the ripped clothes into the flames. Between the bites of food, I ask her, ‘’Where did Gale go?’’ ‘’District Two. Got himself a pretty good job, working for Panem’s new government.’’ That means he won’t come back to Twelve. Good.

‘’I’m going hunting today,’’ I say after a moment. Greasy Sae looks up to me and smiles. I wonder how long she’s been waiting to hear that from me. I take a bow and arrows from the study room and walk out of the front door, intending to go to the Meadow. While I head towards the town, I see dead bodies everywhere. Some people are trying to clean them up. I try to avoid their eyes and walk straight towards the Seam. From the ruins of my old house, I can see it. A deep pit has been dug, the bottom already filled with bones, a mass grave for the thousands of people of Twelve. Even this beautiful place had to change in something horrible. That’s it. The Meadow’s gone.

I try to walk towards the lake, but it’s too far. I stop at my meeting place with Gale and sit down on a rock. I close my eyes. Hoping it was all just a really long nightmare. Hoping when I open them again, Gale will be sitting next to me like he used to. But when I do, nothing has changed. Gale is still in Two and he won’t come back. Ever.

By the time I make it back to the fence, it’s almost dinnertime. I’m walking back to the town, trying to ignore the dead, but I can’t. I start running. When I’m at my front door, I collapse. I wake from a hissing sound. For a few seconds I don’t know where I am. I look around and see that I’m laying on the sofa. How did I get here? When I turn my head to the other side, I can see him in the moonlight. How did he get here? He’s probably come on foot, all the way from Thirteen. ‘’She’s not here. Go away,’’ I tell him. Buttercup hisses again. ‘’She’s gone. You won’t find Prim anymore.’’ At her name, he looks up, starting to meow hopefully. ‘’She’s gone! Get out!’’ I sit up straight and throw a pillow at him, but he dodges it. ‘’Don’t you get it, you stupid cat? She’s not coming back! And she never will! She’s dead!’’ I feel myself shaking. It’s the first time I said it out loud. It feels so real now. Suddenly, tears come streaming down my face. I sink to the ground, take another pillow in my hands, and I start rocking back and forth, back and forth. After all these weeks, it finally comes to me. Reality. ‘’She’s dead.’’ I’m crying and sobbing. Buttercup crouches beside me, wailing as well. Who would’ve ever thought there would be a time where we’d comfort each other.

Morning falls and there’s a knock on the door. I stand up, walk past a mirror and take a moment to look at myself. My hair falls just over my shoulders. My eyes are red and swollen. I look awful. I turn away from the mirror and open the door. On the other side are Peeta, bearing a warm loaf of bread, and Greasy Sae. I step aside and head towards the kitchen. I’m trying to hide my face, so I keep looking down. While Greasy Sae is making us breakfast, I walk towards the phone. I dial the phone number my mom wrote in her letter and talk to her for the first time in weeks. I also decide to call Dr Aurelius. When I’m done, I walk back to the kitchen again and start eating my breakfast.

I’m quiet. I’ve always been quiet, but not like this. Peeta notices it and I feel him staring at me. I rise from my chair and walk towards the living room, avoiding his eyes. I’m going to sit in the seat, my legs dangling over the armrest. I’m looking around the room. It feels so empty without them. Buttercups is laying down on the carpet. I’m sure he feels it too. After an hour or so, I hear the front door close. They left. I stand up and walk towards the kitchen to make me some tea, when I see him. Still sitting on the same chair as earlier today.

‘’I thought you left, too,’’ I say to Peeta. Now he is avoiding my eyes. I try to pretend he’s not there and find me some mint leaves. When I pour the boiling water into a cup, he calls me by my name. ‘’Katniss, we need to talk. No excuses. No running away.’’ He’s looking at me. His perfect blue eyes locked with mine. ‘’Okay,’’ I say hesitantly. ‘’Let’s go sitting in the living room.’’ This is it, I think. Maybe death would’ve been a better option.

When he sits down, his eyes are still focused on me. ‘’What do you want to talk about?’’ I know I can’t run away from this. After all, this has to happen once. I’m sure he has been thinking about this conversation, because he doesn’t talk that easy like he used to. ‘’I know I did things to you and others that were out of my control. And I’m sorry. Dr Aurelius helped me to figure out most of the things in my head. He even showed me the Games again, how it really happened, and all the interviews. Of us, of our families, all of it. It was hard, really hard, seeing the people again that are now gone. And even though it was painful, I’m glad he made me do it anyway. It made me realise something as well. I know that nothing will be ever the same as before, not even if all those people were still alive. The Games and the war changed us, and we can’t do anything about what happened anymore. The only thing we can do is move on. And I’m sure it will be hard, but maybe, just maybe, we can be the same like before. Haymitch, you and I. We can be a team again. Trying to get through this. Together.’’

It feels like he slapped me in the face. Does he really think I can do this? His eyes don’t leave mine. The look of them, I recognise it immediately. Hope. He has lost his entire family and almost all of his friends, and he still has hope. And when he can have it, why not me? I give him a true and honest nod. When I think about what he said, I get an idea. We have to make a book, to write down all the things we can remember about the people we lost. It’s like the plant book, were my family and I recorded the things that we can’t trust to our memory. Before Peeta can ask me anything, I’m dialling the number of Dr Aurelius again, telling him about the plan. When I’m finished I walk back to the living room and tell Peeta about the plan. A couple of days later, a large box of parchment sheets arrives on the train from the Capitol.

In the months that follow, Peeta and I are working on the book. The page begins with what the person used to look like. A photo if we can find it, otherwise Peeta sketches or paints them. Underneath the picture, the name and dates of birth and death are mentioned. On the next page, I write in my most beautiful handwriting all the details we can remember about them. The first time Prim tried to get milk from her goat, Lady. The places my father and I used to go to in the woods. Peeta’s father buying my squirrels. Finnick’s sea-green eyes. Cinna’s most craziest ideas with only a piece of silk. The way Rue could sneak up to you. Madge giving me the golden pin. On and on we go. After several weeks Haymitch finally joins us, adding the names of twenty-three years of tributes he was forced to mentor to the list. The additions run out. Sometimes there’s an old memory that comes to surface. A dried primrose is being kept between the pages. There’s even a photo of Finnick and Annie’s newborn son in it. Without them we wouldn’t be sitting here today. And because of that, we promise to make their deaths count.

A year after the Games Twelve has been almost fully rebuilt. The signs of the war are nowhere to be seen. Even the Meadow turned green again. Peeta and I are laying in the grass. Beneath us are thousands of our people. Our friends, our family. Dead. We don’t talk about it, but we know it all too well. However, the Meadow is a beautiful place. The birds are singing and we can even see flowers here and there. Dandelions. The ones that always gave me hope, and they still do, since that day at school, years ago.

It’s true, what Peeta said earlier. We moved on. We got through this. Together. Peeta and I even grew back together. No, we’re not the same as before, and we never will be. Peeta still hasn’t fully recovered from the Hijacking. Sometimes he’s clutched to the back of a chair, screaming, until his mind is good again. One time he even tackled me because of the flashbacks. But he’s doing better every day. There are still nights where I wake up screaming from my nightmares. Sometimes I even run away, like those days were my mom had dying patients on our kitchen table. But it’s different now. I want to run away from my thoughts, but I can’t. Luckily I have him. The boy with the bread. The dandelion in the spring. The one that’s always there for me. And no matter how bad our losses are, life can go on. It can be good again. And we are the living proof of that.

We don’t say much. We’re just laying there, my head on his chest, both looking up to the perfectly blue sky. I’m so happy to be here. I’m so happy to be here with him. I would’ve never imagined ending up here. I always thought I’d now live in fear. Afraid Prim would be picked at the reaping, while I wouldn’t be able to do anything anymore. If someone would’ve told me I’d end up like this, I wouldn’t believe it for a second. But now I’m thankful for it. For all of it. I’m finally happy again. All because of him.