#event:open

Midnight Circus ( by SunnyHill )

     This is the first song in the playlist and this perfectly describes her night circumstances and really illustrates her locked in a dark room. This is the song that explains what her life was. And this is the part of the night where Soyou ponders on old memories. “But I’m like a clown tied with a string, I’m locked in here like Dracula-Dracula, This is a creepy place I want to run away, This is like a prison without bars.“ Soyou was on a string for most of her life, tied to her father and his strict rules and discipline. She always wanted to run away from this place, and finally she did. “You even make that ironic laugh when I cry,  You’re laughing while you look at me, You’re responsible for that weakness.“ Soyou feels as if her father finds joy in her pain. He laughs at her and laughs at her mother because they’re weak against them.

Fuck You ( by Gain )

     This is more about a couple which can easily be related to Soyou’s parents but parts of it are Soyou’s thoughts as she ponders on those old memories. This is where her sad emotions are infused with rage which leads her to curse, ‘Fuck you.’ “Where do you think you’re putting those bad hands?, With polished words, you put me up and put me down.” She’s asking every night, why are you putting your hands on me? But not only does her father bring her down physically but with mental and emotional abuse as well. Again, this really relates to Soyou’s parents where the rape in a relationship plays a part, I mean that’s how Soyou was made.

Clara's Dream ( by Lizzy ) 

      This is where Soyou attempts to fall asleep, to dream of an amazing dream that distracts her from reality. However, she can’t ever fall asleep as everything haunts her. But, she wants to dream of this fantasy, where father and daughter are in paradise, where they’re a normal loving family. “Waltzing with you made me laugh, Your hands led me and we walk through my fantasy together.“  “In my room, which has always been dark, When the candles are lit one by one, Memories of that white night when you left me come find me.” Again, for some reason Soyou is always in a dark room with these horrible memories.

Cleansing Cream ( by Brown Eyed Girls )

     This is the moment where she questions why she holds onto these memories and these thoughts. “Will I forget by being like this? Looking quite miserable.“ She’s noticeably miserable with the lack of sleep and on top of that, she suffers not being able to forget. Throughout the song, she repeats that she’s in pain, that this hurts, that wherever she goes things will continue to remind her of her father. 

Crying ( by SISTAR )

     And this is the last part where she can’t hold it in anymore. This is where she cries. “I can’t express it, crying, crying, I’m endlessly crying, crying.“ The song talks about someone not being there, the absence of someone important. That someone is her mother and also how she wished it was her dad. Though he’s not there, it seems like his spirits still live deep within. ( It’s also one of my favorite songs from Sistar so... yeah)

Luna, oh my dear friend Luna paid me a visit in the dusty record shop and that’s where the trouble began. At the time, I was naive-- I was desperate. My head was clouded with thoughts to the point where I couldn’t think straight and that’s how I started mumbling on and on about this crush I had on a random guy passing out a pool party flyer. I explained every little thing to her, how his brow eyes sparkled in reflection to the sun, how his smile reached from ear to ear, and how he melted every girl on the block-- including me. See, she was supposed to be a good friend and tell me I’d never score a guy like him. That I could never get a guy that beautiful, that social-- He would never see me or notice me. She had one job and failed at it.

With a malicious smile, she pulled my arm to different shops and order people to put their hands on my face with products of color. Who had 50 shades of crayons for your lips?! There was at least 40 for just the color red and then another 40 for pink… IT’S PRACTICALLY THE SAME COLOR, EVERYONE! And they stabbed my eyes with this thin sharpe? Eyebrows were forcefully removed for no reason. Then they glued on extra weight of hair onto my eyelashes. I will not even begin to tell you what they did to my body. I have never changed so many times in one day.

Luna practically pulled me into the dressing room and started ripping my clothes away from my skin. I wish that police officer that was at our first meeting could be here now-- COULD ARREST HER… NOW. She then proceeded to squeeze my chest into different sized smaller bras. I felt violated from all the pulling of the bras and the whole squeezing into tighter clothes. Why am I just wearing bras and underwear? What is the use of this? She kept telling me to shut up and to trust her but.. I couldn’t! Not with everything showcasing! One of the helpers saw my face and my silent plea for help and gave me some extra options on the side. It was a simple small covering on top and the bottom. She is my angel-- kind of. I also feel like she only did that to get more money-- Well, that was her job, shit.

I was done being abused thoroughly but oh no no, that was just the backstage work. Now it was the time for the grand revealing. She made me wear what we just bought under a plain t-shirt and shorts-- this is going to be bad. You’re probably asking, WHY DID YOU RUN AWAY? I did! I asked to go to bathroom three time and the first two times she waited OUTSIDE of the stall and the last time she told me to be a big girl and just pee in the pool later. WHAT? Why would I pee INSIDE OF THE POOL LATER? It’s crystal blue, I shouldn’t fight with that.

Luna brought me to the hotel where the party was held at. With a tight grip of my wrist, we made it to the pool hall. It looks beautiful, rich, it looks like somewhere I shouldn’t be for the type of income I get and for the type of life I’ve lived for the past 20 years. My head got buried by the thoughts of how I shouldn’t be here.. how no one should. How can the 1% of the world be living so recklessly while others have to suffer? 

In between all of these thoughts, Luna was able to get my clothes into the locker and sprayed a bunch of mist on me. She didn’t leave until I could point out my ‘prey’ for the night. (That’s what she calls him… I don’t really think I’m suppose to pounce on him, right?) The moment his eyes met mine, from the corners of my eyes I could see Luna finally smile for the first time that day. She had been laughing all day, yes, but this smile-- this was something different. This was a smile where she was going to ruin my life (for the better in her words). 

All I saw in my final moments of being dry was his cresent eyes when he smiled, his glistening body-- he was just… perfect. And then, two arms, with all their force, pushed my shoulders which became the main reason why I fell into the pool due to my loss of balance. THANKS, LUNA. I didn’t know how to swim but it was only 5 feet tall and so if I stood up completely, my head would peek out. That was the most shallow part of the pool so I guess I owe her a genuine thank you? 

I quickly attempted to regain my mind and tried my best to best out of the pool without looking like a complete idiot. I gripped the metal bars as soon as I felt them after blindly trying to reach for it. Step by step, I out out and onto the normal land-- completely wet and everything. 

Luna was nowhere to be seen but when the hottie walked over, her voice rang in my water-filled ears. “Don’t pay attention to him, ever. He’ll like you more that way.” I followed her words and walked right past him and towards the bar. I didn’t understand the logic… I mean, if you liked someone, don’t you want to show them attention so they can show you some attention back? 

Ugh, nothing makes sense… well aside from him looking at me with awe. That part was pretty nice-- I guess I should sit through another day of this ‘makeover’ from the great Luna. I got his attention, now I have to ignore it for the rest of the night. Now what do normal adults do at a pool party? 

The video soon cuts to me on the passenger’s seat and uncle driving in the run down truck he uses to transport materials. The song started playing on my phone as I stared outside the window, attempting to look soulful-- like one of those over dramatic movies. As uncle only lip synced, I actually sang along and attempted to replicate it.

텅 빈 방 혼자 멍하니 뒤척이다 티비에는 어제 본 것 같은 드라마 잠이 들 때까지 한번도 울리지 않는 핸드폰을 들고

I sang constantly with a smile on my face and my uncle’s over exaggerated expression. He danced in his seat to the song while I barely kept a straight face to sing. He’s going to make me die of laughter before I even finish this darn video for him. But still I sang and giggled in between, and as if it was just the two of us, we seemed like parent and child. I almost forgot this was going online, to the public, but all they’ll see is my uncle’s crazy gestures. He’s so precious.

요즘 따라 내꺼인 듯 내꺼 아닌 내꺼 같은 너 니꺼인 듯 니꺼 아닌 니꺼 같은 나 

My heels clicked on the cement stairs as I ran down from the rooftop to the street. My uncle threw me the mic, before he could even look at me, as he crouched down to set up the sound system. No matter how hard I worked, I always felt he worked triple that. Though he gets frustrated with the systems every week, he would say it’s all worth it when I get to sing.

In the reflection of the store’s window, I do the last touch ups with my hair. I never look that great but I thought I was decent enough to perform. Plus, it’s the talent that counts.... right? With a slow breath, I stand in position and play the instrumental. Now, people always told me that my singing was never the problem, it’s the stage presences. I didn’t know how to express my feelings through my face or body very well. When I sing, I either stare at the ground or close my eyes… either way, charisma is not my thing. It was better than the first few times where I just ended up crying and running away. But hey-- it’s the talent…. that counts… right? After a few dozen times, I was able to finish one performance. But I’m only able to calm down in front of my own store-- other than that, I’ll just run away again. Maybe it was the store that comforts me or the neighborhood or my uncle... either way, I can only truly perform right here.

손가락을 짚어서 세어봐 ( I’m using my fingers to count ) 울지 않았던 날을 ( How many days I went without crying )

The song started and just like always, I sang along. My voice was naturally husky in the morning and with this song, I wasn’t sure if that was either beneficial or not. Either way, it was a song I hear often on the radio and it’s a song where I can show a bit of my singing off. I think this is a more recent song...? I’m not very up to date... but hopefully!

Like a statue, I held the mic with two stiff arms and allowed everything to naturally flow.

나도 여자에요 baby 나도 여자에요 baby ( I’m a woman too, baby ) 너 땜에 아침에 눈을 뜨면 울고 바람에 스쳐도 다시 울고 ( Because of you, I cry when I open my eyes in the morning I cry again when the wind passes me by )

Now thinking about it… it might have been a good choice since it is about heartbreak. Heartbreak doesn’t require much movement-- I have a reason to justify why I was anything but confident right now.

Sing it with me now! I love you love you love you

Usually this is where Minah’s fans chime in and scream along. Ha, I wished I had fans... or maybe just someone to clap for me. I rose my head from the street floor to see a few people watching me. I… attracted some people! A smile curved on my lips and I sang even louder knowing someone was watching me. I reached every note easily, as if I can mumble this in my sleep. Guess when you practice 24 hours a day for weeks straight, anything can become second nature.