#evenififuckup

So, recently I finished a surrogacy. Pre- pregnancy I had gone from 235 lbs to 170 lbs. While I was pregnant, my weight shot up to almost 250 lbs. As of last night, I weight 218 lbs, and I hate it. It eats at me drives me crazy. I am 2 and a half months post partum. Normally I bounce back pretty quickly, but this pregnancy, I had a c section. Which in itself is a whole different recovery process. It is major surgery after all. 

The thing is, I dont feel like I’m that big. It’s not til I try to wear my clothes and either they don’t fit, or my fat rolls over and it just makes me sick. 

I’m trying to work on self discipline. Last time I lost weight, it wasnt because I was dieting and exercising. It was mostly me not eating, some illicit drug use, and walking EVERYWHERE in 120 degree dry heat. Jeans, boots, jacket and all. 

This time, I wana do it right. So I’m coming to the one place that I truly feel like my self. Maybe by writing about it and putting it out there, I’ll feel more inclined to go through with it. I know I’m gonna fuck up.. probably a lot, but I’m not gonna give up this time.