Me @ me: I'm terrible and selfish- You literally went looking on an old harddrive for a silly Christmas AMV you made at like 14 years old, ran into old pictures of a (now) grieving widow and her recently passed husband and stopped in your tracks to transfer the files (which through technical difficulty took an hour), debated, then sent a heartfelt message with the photos attached. Because you know what it's like. Because on your 16th birthday your mom was out of town and your father had just died and all you got was a box of his shirts in the mail. No cards, no presents, no one there. Because on your first Christmas without him your mom took you to Disneyworld, sure, because you're privileged and she had money. But it rained that 25th of December in 2010. And she wouldn't go to the park with you, at freshly 16 and aggrieved. So you took the bus and went to MGM / Hollywood studios alone. And it was the best day of the entire trip because you could cry as much as you wanted, the rain hid your tears. And the rain drove everyone else away. And when on your flight home from that Christmas trip you got the call that your paternal Grandfather was on his deathbed and you had to switch flights at the airport from FL to WA, to Dallas TX during a connecting stop in another city in TX, cried for the plane to let you get off first even though you were in a back row because the last minute flight change- even though every stranger on that plane collectively let you race off and caught a flipping go-kart whatever to the new gate- they'd closed the doors just before, so then had to get a car to Dallas, and then sat by your last grandpa three days before HE passed, in a room full of photos of his wife, daughter, son, and your cousin, but not a single one of you even though neither his daughter nor hers showed and you did-
So instead of keeping the photos of my old friend and her late husband hidden to save her feelings, I sent them. I didn't say my condolences or it'll get better - I said it fucking sucks. And it's gonna keep sucking. But you're incredible. And I admired you. And even though you were in the process of a divorce that never got finalized - I know he loved you back then. Here's all of us, so long ago, arms around each other under the spotlights of southern California. So cry, scream, let it hurt and let it out and don't let anyone tell you different. I'm not posting this on FB, or Insta. I haven't told any of my remaining friends, or anyone. I mentioned it to my mom because she briefly knew them. What I'm saying is... I've recently been told that documenting, saying, referencing, making any mention of things I've done out of kindness.... Completely defeats the purpose. And I.. get that. But it... just feels like shame. I never told anyone I did this or that because anyone owed me or I want a gold sticker or jack. I haven't told even half of.... I think I just want to be remembered. By anyone. Tangentially. Initially, I thought through having a child - now I know A) that's BS and also horrible and second of all... I won't. Then, by writing a book and having anyone care about it... that won't happen, either. So. I have been selfish. Thing is, I'm not doing this to be friends. We never will be, we weren't more than friendly acquaintances even back then. But M is not alone. That's the point. I took the photos of her and him back then because it mattered. Almost a decade later I'm sharing them because this is why it mattered to take them then. I don't believe in fate, destiny.. I do believe a tiny bit in karma, but back then I truly saw her and him as part of my community and world. So we haven't spoken since 2016. So what. Everyone I've ever cared about or loved still matters.
