#evanstantrashnet

Steve was struggling. His mind was racing, trying to recall events from the mission he’d just completed. Bucky, as usual, was completely out of it, his mind wasn’t even on the same planet as them, much less in the same room. He hadn’t been much help since the mission had been completed. Sam was, well, frankly Sam looked like a wreck, but in his defense it was completely justified. None of them had expected to be so frazzled by a mission that had seemed so straightforward only fifteen days ago on the plane.

“This is not working,” an agent spoke huskily to another agent behind them. Steve didn’t know either of their names, and quite frankly, he was much too tired to learn now.

“You’re right,” the second agent replied, “we need to bring in some help.”

“What are we talking here? Psych eval?”

From Bucky’s position in the dank conference room he could see agent one shake his head. Lowering his voice, probably hoping none them would hear -- who was he kidding thinking the tactically trained killers in the room wouldn’t be able to hear him -- he answered, “I’m thinking we’re going to need a little bit more than psych.”

Steve pushed himself out of his chair, “Alright gents, well it's been lovely listening to you two chit chat about our mental state, but if that’s all that we are going to do today, I’d love to get home and get some sleep before you bring in an entire army to try and fix us.”

The second agent stiffened considerably while the first agent nodded his head, “Report back tomorrow at 8 in conference room 3B okay?”

“Yeah sure thing bud,” Sam said as he quickly scattered. He waved absentmindedly as Steve tried to say a half hearted goodbye. Really, all Steve could think about was wrapping himself up with Bucky on their bed at home. Yes, that sounded very nice. A calming, quiet night in was exactly what they needed.

Steve hated mission recon, especially after a mission like this, but for Bucky, hate didn’t describe his feelings towards mission recon. Steve was honestly surprised they continued allowing him to go on missions when he’d completely shut down during every mission recon since he’d been allowed back in the field. Bucky wasn’t all too great at talking about what exactly happened during mission recon that made him shut down the way he did. It wasn’t Steve’s place to pry, so he left it alone and knew that eventually, just like everything else Bucky had offered him, he would share when he felt ready.

Until then, holding Bucky in their bed while he came to was all Steve needed.

Bucky collapsed into Steve’s arms the second the door to their apartment swung open.

“Food or just bed?” Steve mumbled into Bucky’s tangled hair.

Bucky’s only response was a grunt, but he knew exactly what that meant.

“Okay, okay, scooch along,” Steve lightly tapped Bucky’s hip. “I’ll be there in a moment.” A returning grunt was all he got as Bucky quickly disappeared.

Tea. Yes, tea sounded good, needed even. Steve padded into the kitchen and put the kettle on the stove. Preparing two cups, his Captain America mug Sam had gotten as a gag gift and Bucky’s dainty floral tea cup that he’d found at a flea market. It had been covered in dust, lying in the very back of the store, lonely and forgotten -- he’d completely fallen in love with it. On off days, he’d refuse to drink out of anything else. The kettle whistled, and Steve got the bags of tea brewing in each cup, moroccan mint for himself and ruby spiced cider for Buck. Just a few moments later he was making his way towards the bedroom, double checking the apartment locks on his way.

He found Bucky sitting in just a pair of old grey sweats that were Steve’s. Back against the headboard, Bucky had his legs pulled up against his chest with his head sagging against his knees. Steve gingerly placed his cup of tea on the old nightstand and crawled onto the grey comforter, wrapping himself up in Bucky the only way he knew how.

“Tea,” Steve offered quietly. Bucky lifted his head to look at Steve, but his stare was blank. “Is this something we need to talk about?” Bucky’s eyes shifted and focused on something behind Steve before he seemed to give up all around as his head fell heavily to his knees again.

Steve nodded, placed the forgotten cup of tea on Bucky’s nightstand, and wrapped strong, comforting arms around Bucky’s shoulders. “Yeah, I know it was a hard one tonight.”

Their over two week mission had tracked a handful of hydra agents through Russia and then into Germany. Eastern Europe was hard enough for Bucky as is, most of his memories of his time in Hydra captivity were from that area. Much like forgotten minefields from the first and second world war, when in Europe memories seemed to explode in Bucky’s peripherals at the most inconvenient times. All through Russia, Bucky had been out of sorts, clearly remembering times when he’d been sent here or there to eliminate some agent. Then in Germany, Steve is still convinced the agents must have known they were close to being found because they had found themselves in the midst of not only one or two but precisely five places in which Steve and the rest of the Howling Commandos had fought fights in World War II. With Bucky’s mind muddled and Steve lost in painful memories, Sam had been left essentially flying solo for the better part of half a mission which was taxing on not only his mind but his body. So with the three of them on the mission saying they came back a broken mess was an understatement.

It wasn't a surprise the agents had wanted to get psych involved.

Steve left Bucky’s side, raising up to rid himself of clothes and switching his jeans out for a pair of sweatpants like Bucky. He flicked off the lights and padded back into bed. Steve wrapped himself up in Bucky. Playing with his long hair the way he knew was soothing he cooed softly, “I love you. I don’t like seeing us like this, okay? I’m gonna call Karin to see if we can see her tomorrow, if the agents haven’t already called her in, yeah?”

Against his chest, Steve felt Bucky swallow thickly. He nodded shortly before he allowed himself to give into Steve’s touch and fall asleep.

Breakfast the next morning was silent, but Steve didn’t pry. There would be enough of that in the tower today. He had sent Karin a text message as soon as he woke up, asking for a time slot to meet if she wasn’t already coming in. In an unsurprising turn of events she answered saying she had in fact been called for a half day. Steve knew that meant they’d have at least an hour with Karin each.

Karin’s place in the Avengers tower was absolutely indispensable. She had originally been hired for bodywork after the battle of New York, their bodies had been a wreck (the non-demigod bodies that is) and she had come in to help fix them physically. Through personal request of multiple of the team members she had been continued to be hired on after particularly taxing missions. The longer she’d stuck around the more the team realized she’d offered a lot more than stellar body work.

Karin had offered a kind smile and a gentle spirit that had just welcomed conversation. Through their many sessions she had gotten to know each member of the team on an incredibly personal level, and with no pretenses of being in a psychology setting or a therapy session, she had offered a space where Steve, and many of the other team members, had been able to heal better than they had been able to in any structured session.

Karin spoke like a true person who had no hand in the inner workings of their missions. She spoke her mind when needed, and offered support when asked. Her personality had perfectly molded with the band of misfit heroes, and she had somehow found herself as an honorary member of the special club.

Days when she’d come in were a treat. She lessened the burden of strenuous mission recon. She had the jokes to get them laughing, the hands to ease tense shoulders, and the heart to calm a stressed spirit. Steve appreciated her as much as the next team member, but she’d held a special place in his heart simply because of the connection she’d made with Bucky.

When Steve had found Bucky in Romania, he’d been so closed off. He’d been so confused, and he responded mostly to Steve’s advances. Steve had worked so hard for months to show Bucky that he was welcome. It didn’t matter if he was Bucky Barnes from 1940 or if he was The Winter Solider or if he was simply Bucky. Steve would love Bucky in all his forms. He was the only piece of his past left, and he wouldn’t allow himself to lose that. But Bucky had still been so cut off from the rest of them, and Karin had somehow bridged the gap.

Bucky hadn’t been allowed back in the field for some time, but the first time that Steve had met Karin, he had asked her to spend some time with Bucky. Bucky had been pretty reluctant to start, but Karin had worked her magic. In the weeks to follow Bucky had opened up. Steve had managed to convince him to live in his guest room instead of scavenging the streets of New York trying to find a place to bunk from night to night. He’d started talking to Steve, not about anything important but he was talking. Bucky had started smiling again, laughing again. He seemed more happy. And at the time, he had no idea what he’d talking to Karin about in their time together, but Steve honestly didn’t care. Bucky would tell Steve when he was ready, and he did. Months later, little by little, Bucky had shared small pieces of himself, entrusting Steve. It was an honor really. An honor to have Buck as his friend.

Piece by piece, Steve learned who Bucky was, and piece by piece Steve had fallen in love with him all over again. Not many people got that chance to find love again. Steve had gotten that chance, and he wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity if it hadn’t been for Karin.

Now Karin was a staple in their small apartment. Off day? Upset? In pain? Need advice? Just need someone to listen? Karin could do it all. She’d taken their broken pieces and sewed them back together.

Once they had reached the tower, they were all put into separate rooms. Sam sat at a table across from one of their psych workers. Steve had been placed in a room with at the end of a conference room table, and Bucky was first up with Karin.

Bucky moved slowly towards the table. The walls were a light grey and there was an ambient music played from the corner. He took a deep breath. It’s not that he didn’t want to see Karin, but after spending days in Russia and watching Steve fall apart at the seams in Germany, he just really wasn’t in the mood to talk right now. Bucky decided to lie on his stomach, face down on the table while he waited for Karin. Maybe, just maybe, the music would settle his rapid heartbeat and the thrum in his head enough to let him concentrate.

Karin stepped into the room just a few minutes later.

“Good morning, Bucky. I take it we aren’t doing too well.”

Bucky threw out a light chuckle, “Could say that. My body is killing me. Shoulders are all tensed up again.”

“You worry too much, you know. You’re always so tense.”

As Karin readied herself to begin work on Bucky's shoulders, Bucky mumbled into the table, “There’s just too much going on up in my head.”

Karin tapped Bucky’s back lightly, signaling him it to remove his shirt. As she began to smooth out the creases in his back, he began to slowly ease into her touch. Relaxing more and more with every muscle that was released from tension. “I have so much,” he paused thoughtfully for a moment, “you know, I just have so much baggage that I carry with me.”

Karin hummed, allowing him time to continue if he chose. She always listened first, spoke second. A lot of the time with men like Bucky and Steve they needed a safe space to release any confusion or frustration more than they needed advice. Advice was thrown at them every day, constantly really. Being told what tactical decisions to make, which turn to make next, who to trust and who to betray. Sometimes they just needed a listener. That was Karin’s biggest selling point.

“I just never expected myself to be with someone,” Bucky grunted as Karin pressed on a particularly tender portion of his cervical spine. “I don’t know. It's like, I never thought I’d end up with someone who had an equal amount of baggage as well. And with Steve, we have that. We share this common past, yes. An innocent past. But we have these greyed in middle portions where we’ve accumulated so much baggage. Murder, missions, betrayal anything that could happen, has happened to us and my baggage is enough you know? But with Steve, I have twice the baggage- his and mine. I have to bear the weight of them both. And we go on missions together, and,” Bucky stopped to continued a moment.

As Karin continued to work down Bucky’s back to his lower spine, she urged him on, “And?”

“I love him. I love him so much, I do. And his baggage doesn't bother me. How could it when I have so much myself? It’s just heavy sometimes is all. Sometimes I’m tired. And some days my baggage is too much to carry on my own, and my thoughts race. My memories wage war against me. My enemies come back to fight me. I fall, I break down, I cry. And usually, Steve is there to help me.”

Karin moved down to Bucky’s legs and began to press into his calves. “I feel a but coming in here,” she stated softly.

“But, Steve has bad days too. Just as bad as mine are. And sometimes we have them at the same time. It feels unbearable. Usually Steve is my way out of the bad days. Without Stevie to pull me out, I’m stuck in this dark dungeon of my own mind. And this mission that we just got out of. The entire fifteen days, I was stuck in the dark dungeon because Steve was stuck in his dungeon. Sam can’t be expected to pull us both out of bad days and run a mission. That can’t be Sam’s job.”

“You’re right.”

“Sam can't fight the real bad guys when Steve and I are off fight our imaginary demons in our head. It could have gotten us all killed.”

Karin hummed again as Bucky fell silent. Karin worked her way to Bucky’s feet as he fell further into the firm table. The music in the background called his mind as it sped through his words. “I just love him,” he breathed out. “There's nothing more important than him, and we could have gotten ourselves killed because we were so fucked up. I can’t lose him, Karin.”

“You won’t.”

“What the hell happened out there, Rogers?”

Steve scoffed from his place at the head of the large conference table, “You may have to ask a bit more of a directed question, sir.”

“Okay, well let's start with why the hell was Sam out there running the entire mission when we sent him with two completely competent super soldiers.”

“You know how it is in East Europe,” Steve tried his best to write it off.

Maybe if he could convince himself that it wasn’t a big deal what had happened, the agents would believe it too. The simple answer was just that he didn’t want to relive it. He really didn’t want to talk about the nightmares that still lingered behind his eyelids every time he blinked. All he saw was Bucky. Running through the camp saving Bucky during the war. I thought you were dead. Seeing Bucky’s dazed eyes as he looked blankly at Steve and hearing Sam scream in the background. Steve get out of there! Bucky not following him as he’d turn to flee the camp. Buck! Buck! It was like he couldn’t hear him. He’d gone back, of course he’d gone back. Practically dragged him out of the camp himself.  What the he'll was that, Steve. You guys were about to get killed. Watching Bucky fall from the freight train or seeing him separated from him in a burning building. No. Not without you.

Every time he blinked the story was different.

“You know we this isn’t how we do mission briefings, Steve.”

He sighed, “Okay, look. We were in Russia. Bucky’s mind muddies up a bit. He did so many missions as the Winter Soldier in Russia. It seems like every corner we turned, he had a different memory of someone he’d hurt. That takes a toll on him. We all know it does,” Steve sighed heavily. “It’s not his fault. He really does have a good handle on things normally, but being physically in Russia, where he can touch or see or hear effects of what damage he did back then, that weighs on him. He doesn’t take it lightly.”

“What happened, Rogers?” An agent from across the table asked.

“It was fine, really, for a while. But then as we moved through Russia, he started to hesitate. At times when we really needed up to be there, pulling triggers and what not. He’d hesitate, pull back, freak out, break down. So Sam and I would have to make up for it. Usually, that wouldn’t have been an issue at all. Sam and I are perfectly competent. We’re great at what we do.”

“So what changed?”

“I changed.” Steve responded without hesitation.

“Man, I don’t need your fucking psych eval I’m fine!” Sam huffed as he pushed his way out of the chair. He did not need to be here. He wasn’t the one who had his mind in a confused mess the whole goddamn trip. He kept his shit together. He did his job. He completed the mission. He did that. Bucky didn’t do that. Steve didn’t do that. Sam did that. Why he needed to be in a ridiculous psych eval was beyond him. He didn’t need to be evaluated. He didn’t need Karin’s bodywork. He would have been fine doing mission recon yesterday the normal way, but Steve and Bucky wouldn’t just fucking talk like adults. They’d retreated into their tiny shells and refused to come out.

“Sit down, Wilson.” He felt two strong arms pushing him back into the seat.

He scoffed while rolling his shoulders away from the intrusive hands, “Don’t touch me.”

“This is just standard protocol, Mr. Wilson,” the psychologist spoke softly. That therapist voice, it was so annoying. It was the reason most of them preferred speaking to Karin more than their shrink.

None of them were under any pretense that they were perfect people. They knew they struggled with nasty monsters. They had ptsd on their back and anxiety in their head and an unhealthy dose of depression, but the last thing they needed was to have a psychologist come in and baby them, speaking to them as if they thought they didn’t have these problems. When you wake up every other night with nightmares of your best friends death, you know you have problems. You don’t hide from them. You just don’t need yet another person pointing it out. Karin never did that. She listened, and she was kind. She never spoke down to them. She considered them equals and that worked. This. This didn’t work. For any of them.

“Let’s just get this over with.”

“So you found yourself in Germany? What came next?”

“We rode a train through the mountains.”

“And that’s when you started having problems.”

Steve nodded. His fingers gripped the conference table tightly. “Of course I couldn’t see anything other than Bucky falling. His screams were on a permanent loop. We were both a mess. It just slowly went down hill the longer we were there. Sam could only do all the work for so long. We were fortunate that we got through the mission still in tact.”

What came next? He wasn’t entirely sure. Steve and Bucky had done most of their missions together. Usually they worked best together. They knew the way the other moved like the back of their hands. They knew each other’s habits. It was best to work on missions with people you were comfortable with and could completely trust. This mission though changes that. There was no way the agency could continue to put the three of them on missions alone together when this could be a result. Sure it had never happened before, but now that it had, it was an option. It was a possibility. A possibility was all they needed to never let it happen again.

So where do they go? Bucky and Steve on separate missions? Constantly missing each other. One leaves just as the other comes home. When do they make time for each other? For themselves? Bucky was as vital to Steve’s recovery and Steve was to himself. Steve couldn’t do recovery or self-help on his own. He need Bucky for that. Bucky kept him whole. And yeah, that completely defeated the purpose of self-help, and he’d absolutely never be independent. It was him though, the good, the bad, the ugly. That was Steve, and Steve was only Captian America if there was no Bucky to come home to.

Steve wasn’t willing to lose himself again like he had after he’d lost Bucky.

“We’re going to put you and agent Barnes on the sidelines for awhile while we determine exactly had to move forward from here,” the blonde agent to Steve’s left spoke.

“We’ll let you begin with a week break,” the agent at the end of the table continued. “From there we will have you two picking up some more internal work. No field more for a while. You’ll continue your personal training obviously, and when we determine where to go from here we’ll contact you with any assignments. Captain America will probably make a few public appearances in the meantime. Kiss some babies and what not.”

“For now,” the blond agent picked up her last thought, “just go home with James for a bit.” She looked sympathetic. She was essentially benching Captain America, so he supposed it was a fitting emotion not that he particularly wanted her sympathy.  

Home. He could do that.

After rotating through each of the three rooms, the trio made their way out of the tower together.

Sam said his goodbyes as Steve and Bucky made their way to their car.

“Chinese or Thai take out?” Steve asked Bucky as they fell into the car.

“Thai.” Bucky answered pliantly.

“Thai it is.” Steve smiled into a small kiss that he placed on Bucky’s cheek.

After swinging by My Thai Cafe, they finished the drive back to the apartment. Bucky grabbed the bags as Steve locked the car door and they made their way up the stairs.

At one point they had considered moving into the Manhattan to be closer to the tower, but after a pretty short discussion they had both agreed that staying in Brooklyn was the most comfortable place for them to be. It felt normal to them. Even with Bucky’s limited memories, he had always told Steve that Brooklyn had felt much warmer than Manhattan. A warm atmosphere was important to someone who had spent so much time feeling robotic and programmed.

So they had stayed, and they had spent all the money that they could have spent on an apartment in Manhattan on memories. They made sure to have at least one date night a week if they were both home. They had gone on a couple of weekend getaways, once to Boston which Bucky had never seen, and another time down to the beaches in North Carolina. Reconnecting with Bucky was so much more important and valuable than a clean cut modern apartment in the city.

Bucky placed the take out bags on the coffee table in the living room before heading to the bedroom.

“Wanna watch a movie or something?” Steve hollered from the kitchen where he was grabbing a couple of beers. He padded to the living room and set the beers down on two coasters.

“Yeah sure, whatever is fine,” Bucky threw out softly as he made his way back into the living room. He wore a worn pair of grey sweats, his Calvin Klein briefs peeking at the top. His feet were covered in black slippers; he drug a blanket behind him. He was the embodiment of soft, and Steve loved him.

“Fixed upper?”

“You said a movie, not an HGTV home renovation show,” Bucky replied dryly. He pressed his side against Steve and grabbed one of the take out boxes.

“Well fine then, the Jungle Book?”

Bucky threw a blank glance Steve’s way. “We literally watched that three days ago.”

Steve bumped his shoulder before grabbing the remote off the couch. “For someone who doesn't have an opinion on what we watch, you sure have a lot of opinions on what we watch.” Bucky chuckled and shrugged. “Okay, Legally Blonde?”

Bucky laughed a bit louder before shoving a forkful of pad thai into his mouth. He nodded his head and mumbled, “Yes.”

Steve found the movie on the television and hit play. He set the remote down and reached for his own thai. With shoulders pressed against each other, they both ate in silence while the opening credits ran.

Steve broke the silence first just as Warner broke up with Elle, “So how did things with Karin go?”

Bucky  nodded, “Was good, like usual. Definitely needed some bodywork, felt like I haven’t slept for weeks.”

Steve chuckled, “You know I could have given you a massage,” Steve bumped their shoulders lightly. “Why didn’t you just tell me you were in pain?”

“Wasn’t just the pain keeping me up,” Bucky shrugged before picking up a crab rangoon.

“Nightmares?”

“We all get ‘em.”

“I want us to be able to talk about these things though. I don’t want you to feel like you have to wait until Karin comes around to get things fixed. I mean, I know I’m no Karin, but I can help some.”

Bucky shifted his body to face Steve, “We do talk. More than I talk to anyone else, you know that.”

Steve mirrored Bucky’s position on the couch, “but we both still have times when we shut down.  And I know you have memories that come back to you, and you don’t share them with me. That’s okay. I want you to share when you’re comfortable, but I just don’t want you to feel like you have to wait for Karin to have a safe space to talk. I’m always here, and it doesn’t matter to me what you did, what you’ve done or what you’re about to do. I am always going to be here. I’m never going to leave you because I love you, Buck. I want us to be each other's number one go to person.”

“You are my number one, Steve.” Bucky laughed with his entire body shaking, “God, do you really think you aren't? Do you actually think you’re not? What? Do you like think I care more about Karin than you or something? Yeah, sometimes I shut down, and you do too. But I always come to. I always come back to you. Sometimes it just takes someone from outside, like Karin, to get me talking. I’m ready to talk, Steve.”

Bucky sighed and leaned over to rest his forehead against Steve's. “It’s a team between me and you, okay?”

Steve nodded slowly.

“Okay,” Bucky breathed lightly, “then one day, you’re going to know every single thing there is to know about me. Every detail you could ever want or ever imagine, you’re going to know it. But we have our entire lives to get there. We aren’t going anywhere anytime soon, okay.” Bucky’s hand rested lightly on Steve’s cheek. “We have our whole lives to learn each other, and I wouldn’t want you to ever get tired of me.” Bucky smirked at the end before softly kissing Steve's lips.

Steve kissed him back. “You’re right. I just want to make sure you know that you can tell me things, once you’re ready.”

“I do know that babe,” Bucky said sweetly before moving back to his thai food. “Now shut up, I need to watch Elle make a fool of herself at this halloween party.”

“Wait? You mean we missed the audition video to Harvard? No, no, no. We gotta rewind that’s totally the best part.” Steve grabbed the remote from the couch arm.

“No! Steve you always do this. You can’t just rewind because you missed your favorite part. You have to earn your favorite scene, and you clearly didn’t earn this.”

Steve shrugged before rewinding the movie to the scene. “Guess it's just one of those things you’ll get tired of eventually.”

“You’re an asshole.” Bucky said matter of factly, “And for that I’m eating your spring roll.”

“I hate you,” Steve huffed but made no move to save his spring roll from the vicious hands of Bucky.