The children soon started to play with eachother and some new toys her grandmother had pulled from the storage. Evan blended in with ease. Deborah tried to pull herself together as memories about Thom, Evans father, and the old days when she talked to him in the grocerystore. She wanted to enjoy the moment now. It was nice hearing him chat with Malachi and join the game of Andrew, Judah and Caleb. They all played together very nicely. Deborah caught a look from her grandmother who seemed as pleased with the result of putting the brothers together for the first time. Deborah had to fight tears on a regular basis that afternoon.

Before diner was ready, Alicia and Phillip arrived to join them before taking Evan home. Deborah enjoyed catching up with her uncle and aunt. Altough it was weird to see them at first it was soon as it always had been between them. It was funny to notice that Phillip and Alicia had trouble keeping her children apart. They all looked alike so much.

Finaly was the moment that her grandmother and Evan walked through the door. Deborah walked with a calm tred to her son and welkomed him with the words 'hello Evan, nice to see you after al these years'. Inside her was she everything except calm. But Evan smiled back to her and said 'hi'. Deborah told Evan and her own children there was thee with cookies in the kitchen and soon after everybody went as fast as they could to the kitchen.

It wasn't for long until they all sat at the table to drink their tea and eat their cookie. Deborah started to relax when she saw her oldest son between her other children like they had been brothers living together all this time. Her grandmother started asking questions about Evans schoolday and he politely answered them. Andrew was the first to ask about school as he only knew the school she had taught him. Evan was first surprised but when she told him her children didn't go to school he started to tell them about it very enthoustic. Suddenly she saw Thom in him. Deborah saw Andrews face getting more and more happy. She knew that her son now had one desire and that was to also go to school.

That night was the last time she would see Evan for a long time. Deborah wasn't even sure if she would see him ever again. Alicia gave her him to hold for a while. Deborah was thankful to hold him just one more time before leaving.

He was such a precious little feller. Deborah loved him so much there were no words to describe it. His little hairs were already growing and giving the dark glow she had herself. She looked for something in his face that reminded her of his father. It was hard. She cradled him for a while and then got to bring him to his crib.

Laying him in bed made her feel like a big sister and mother at the same time. She had done this so many times for little brothers and sisters. Doing it for a child you birthed yourself was a whole different experience. Altough she wasn't his big sister but not really his mother either made it also painful. If only she could stay to bring him to bed every night. She stroke his little head and said softly I love you and then goodbye.

The first time Deborah saw Evan again was on her grandmothers birthday. For the occasion everybody came to their house to celebrate her grandmother turning fiftyeight. Deborah didn't wanted her grandmother to not invite her own son and daughter in law because of her. Her grandmother was so nice to ask how she felt about it. Ofcourse Deborah gave her alright. During the birthday Deborah kept her distance from Evan. She sat in a corner watching her grandmother dotting on Evan. It was so sweet to see. Deborah knew for sure Evan had wonderful greatgrandparents. Her grandmother seemed in love with him. He was already loved by so many people. That was the thing that was clear when she laid in bed that night. Not only her grandmother was sweet to him but her grandfather also and her greatgrandparents were so proud. They were so careful around him. Seeing Phillip and Alicia hold him hurted her. Especially when they left at the end of the day.

After they were gone Deborah asked her grandmother if she had held her when she was a baby. Her grandmother looked surprised at her and shook her head. For a moment she was silent. Then she told her about the first time she saw her. Deborah was already a toddler when her grandmother visited. She smiled when her grandmother told her about that one time. It made the pain of not being held by her grandmother as baby a bit less. Ofcourse she understood that it was hard for her grandparents to go visit them when they lived so far away. But it must have been nice.

A hour long she snuggeld with Evan. The world seemed to stop turning that hour. Everything was about her and the little baby boy in her arms. She told him over and over again how much she loved him. Then she talked about the very sweet parents who were waiting for him. That he would be loved by them. From time to time the tears would come down in floods from her eyes. She knew saying goodbye was close. The pain inside her was unbearable. If only she could keep him but it wasn't an option. She had to go back to her parents and they would never accept him.

After that hour was over her grandmother went to get Phillip and Alicia. Deborah couldn't stop crying. She, herself, gave Evan to Alicia who had tears in her eyes also. Deborah didn't care about that. She was only buzy with her own pain and saying goodbye to Evan. When they left with Evan in their arms Deborah hid in her pillows and cried loud and clear. Her grandmother came sitting on her bed and laid an arm on her sholder. Deborah sobbed and everytime she thought the pain was gone it came back again.

The nurse told her to go shower. Deborah listend but cried the whole time. After the shower she had to sign the papers to officialy give Evan to Phillip and Alicia. She did it with tears in her eyes. After that she crawled back into bed. Her grandmother stayed with her every second but nothing could feel the gaping wound that Evan left.

A little past midnight she was told that she was fully dialated and was ready to deliver the baby. Deborah was very relieved to hear that. For a while now she had the feeling she had to poop. Now she could finaly give into that feeling and push. It wasn't that nice though. Every time she had to stop pushing she felt the baby sliding back. Tears came in her eyes. How long would it take for Evan to be born?

The docter at her bed said everything went fine. Deborah listened carefully to everything she said. Whenever the docter said she had to push, she pushed, whenever she said she didn't have to push, she didn't. The moment she didn't feel the head sliding back was also the moment she took all her wishes for it not sliding back, back. It was so extremely painfull. It burned and hurted so much.

A few moments later the docter told her to push again. Finaly Evan was born and was laid on her chest. The baby cried and Deborah cried with him. She felt him move on her chest so much clear then when he was still in her belly. Between the tears in her eyes she looked down at her little boy and saw the little hairs on his head. They were a little black, just like hers. It didn't took long before they said she could lay him at her chest to drink from her breast. She had tears the whole time he laid there. Deborah knew that these were the little moments she had with him before he was taken away from her. She felt his little body. His little fingers and toes, his soft skin. The placenta came and with that the docter left the room. Leaving her with Evan, her grandmother and the nurses.