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abuse victims will often go and run themselves ragged trying to make the world a fair and better place for others, while abusers will proceed to fuck someone up (usually also the victims) and go ‘Yeah? Well life isn’t fair! Get used to it!’ like it’s got nothing to do with them. Even the concept of life can be personified and blamed when it’s needed to deflect guilt from an abuser.Â
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Reactive Abuse
‪Reactive abuse is an abuser's punishment, condemnation, misrepresentation, or gaslighting of others' traumatised responses to his prior abuse of them.‬
Confusingly, reactive abuse often takes the form of treating a person's needs and distress in response to abuse as though these things are themselves abusive or hostile. Sometimes this is an instance of deliberate, manipulative blame-shifting. Alternatively, it can be a function of psychological projection—in which the abuser unconsciously projects his own guilt and wrongdoing onto the target as a defence mechanism.
Similarly, stonewallers (who tend to be high in trait narcissism) often use a target's normal distress in response to their stonewalling as a justification for their continued stonewalling (which of course provokes further distress). Again, this is frequently an instance of deliberate, manipulative blame-shifting. Alternatively, it can be a function of projective identification—in which the abuser acts to cause distress and then, as a defence mechanism, unconsciously reframes that distress as the justifying provocation for the action that caused it. Whether due to manipulative blame-shifting or projective identification, the stonewaller thereby makes the target’s distressed reaction look like an extreme or ill-intended provocation, while making the actual provocation (his own action) look like the innocent reaction instead.
