#essenceofcool

It starts with a little bit of spunk. You gotta move your shoulders all spunky-like, you know?

What, you don’t know? Well then I’ll tell you.

Lift your right shoulder up. Set it down. Now lift your left shoulder up. Set it down. Now lift both shoulders up. Set them down. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

You’re getting the idea. Now find some music. No, it can’t be just any music; it has to have a certain something. It has to make you want to shout and sob and shake all at the same time. Anything by Chuck Berry or Frank Sinatra will do.

Got the music? Good. Now play it while you do the shoulder thing, but try not to overdo it. Also, try not to move to the rhythm of the music. If you can, move against the rhythm of the music. Do this a few times to get the hang of it, then get back to me. I’ll be over here watching General Hospital.

Hey there. Got the hang of it yet? No? That’s okay, we’ll get back to that later. For now, let’s work on your wardrobe. There’s eight key things to remember, and I’ll lay them out for you right now:

1) Don’t be naked. (That’s good advice for almost any situation.) 2) No “mom-jeans.” 3) No “dad-shorts.” 4) Go for parachute pants minus the parachute part. 5) Shorts or skirts must go down to below your finger tips. (I’m looking at you Stacy.) 6) Tuxedos are never a mistake. 7) Carry a gym bag around you with seven different outfits in it (just in case you forget where your house is for a week). 8) Hawaiian shirt and go-go boots. Period.

Got all that memorized? Good because there will be a test at the end. Don’t worry, you’ll do fine.

Anyway, back to business. Now that you’ve got the moves and the wardrobe, it’s time to start working on your accent. Please say, “Give me some skin, daddy-o.”

No no, that’s no good. Your pronunciation’s all wrong. Say it again, but say it more like this: “GIVE me SoMe skin, daddy-O.”

Come on now. You’re butchering it. Repeat after me. Give me some skin, daddy-o.

Give me some skin, daddy-o.

Give me some skin, daddy-o.

Give… me… some… skin… daddy… -o.

GIVE ME SOME SKIN, DADDY-O!

There you go. Good job. Give me some skin, daddy-o. No, don’t repeat it. Just give me a high five so that we can move on. Thank you.

Let’s work on your nonchalance. I’m going to list off a bunch of hypothetical situations, and you‘re going to show me how you’d respond in each situation. And I’m just going to warn you up front: if your response isn’t nonchalant enough, you fail!

Now see how you responded there. That’s an example of the wrong way to respond. But that’s okay. Mistakes will happen. Just make sure it doesn’t happen again, or YOU WILL FAIL!

Good job! I’m impressed by how quickly you turned it around. The “I don’t care” was a nice touch. Let’s see if you can keep it up.

Scenario 1: The Man’s getting on your case. How do you respond?

Correct. Never let the Man get you down.

Scenario 2: A member of your entourage is throwing a hissy fit. How do you respond?

Correct. And I like the effective use of comb.

Scenario 3: A man is about to drop your puppy off the Brooklyn Bridge. How do you respond?

Whoa whoa whoa. Hold on there cowboy. Cool people don’t run and scream “Scruffles no!” Furthermore, cool people don’t have dogs named Scruffles. I’m sorry, but I just don’t think you’re cut out for this.

Oh, come on, man. Cool people certainly don’t grovel and beg to be given another chance. I’m going to have to ask for your comb back, sir.

Thank you. Now please leave. I’m sorry things didn’t work out.

Aw, don’t walk away like that. Come back.

Look, I know you really wanted to be cool, but it’s just not for everybody. There’s plenty of other clinics out there that you could visit. I hear Essence of Nerdy has plenty of openings. Essence of Jock is also an option if you feel that would be a better fit for you. Cheer up, my man. I’m sure you’ll fit in somewhere. There’s that smile. Now go out there and try to fit in! But before you go, could you do me one small favor?

Give me some skin, daddy-o.