#saburouta

Please keep reading, we will mostly touch on the high points, such as when they fight or kiss, explaining the rest of the story in relation to these snares and successes in their relationship.

This means we will be talking about some very emotionally charged subjects: please be aware that we will be talking about sexual abuse, PTSD and abusiveness, about child neglect and its effects, and about lashing out as a misguided form of self protection due to being hurt. We will also be talking about the sexy feelings which both Mei and Yuzu have, so I hope that it will be a fun aside to discussions about abuse.

This is one of the best things about Citrus: we are given a wlw couple that are canon from the opening credits, the series is all about their romantic love and struggles with a brilliantly beautiful conclusion. When so many wlw anime shy away from allowing the characters to kiss, Citrus dives right in to give us a exciting and complicated story that's delivered well.

It's not all fun and games, just as life tends to be, Yuzu and Mei struggle against specters of violence that haunt our real life societies. Citrus is not bashful about confronting real issues, and yet their relationship is quite fun and rewarding aside from or maybe because of the realness we’re shown.

A couple notes: I am reviewing the English dub of Citrus, it is very well done, but from what I can tell only varies slightly from the Japanese sub. I haven't had the luxury of reading the whole manga yet but have a basic understanding of its differences, however I will treat the anime as stand alone, with their future being wives.

Lastly, like She-ra, we’ll be using the emotions we see on Mei and Yuzu’s faces alongside their dialogue to know what they're thinking throughout the series. I can't show every frame my analysis is based on, but please do refer to the pictures I can provide, and watch the scenes yourselves! If there's something I didn't answer, let me know and I will address it!!

Fight #1: the incredibly abusive kiss Mei forced on Yuzu that we all need to talk about.

That this scene is the first “intimate” interaction between the two of them threw me for a loop. I had to stop and check that A.) the series is written by a woman (it is) and B.) Mei isn't a sadist (she not, phew) before continuing. The scene is scary, Yuzu’s distress is graphically shown. So what really happens? Why does Mei attack her? And how come Yuzu responds by looking to help Mei, rather than shutting down due to the trauma of what was done to her? Let's discuss, and we’ll cover the rest of ep1 as we do.

:: Yuzu is already feeling pretty salty when they enter the bedroom. What Mei did to her at school, basically groping her under the guise of confiscating her phone, was wrong. Seriously, if anything like this happens to you, even if you think the other person did it because they're hurt, even if you think it was hot and is awakening new gay feelings™️ in you, make sure you atleast have a support network that's aware of what's going on. And yes, it does raise curious feelings in Yuzu, that she might like a woman touching her, but it was still wrong.

Back to the bedroom, Yuzu starts by making an attempt to be civil even though she's suspicious. That Mei gives her the cold shoulder, hiding the all important bear from her, refusing to speak to her, makes Yuzu jump to the conclusion that Mei is a ‘mean girl’. That she gets off on it.

Not actually the case. Again, Yuzu jumped to that conclusion without thinking, which is beneath her as an empathy genius. So, she gets snide, she needles Mei about what she saw her doing with their teacher. It's very “popular girl mean talk” which is what's so throwing about Yuzu at first: she gives off some of those vibes. Concerned with looks, consumer fashion and makeup, she wants to be rich. But those are not the core of Yuzu, it's just what she expects Highschool life to be. What she really is is a highly intelligent and empathetic person. Her behavior here is wrong.

The snide way Yuzu is talking to Mei about the abuse Mei just suffered is what's so upsetting to Mei, and then when she suggests that “I totally get it. You make out with him in the open because knowing you might get caught makes it even hotter. Now if you ask me, I bet that kiss was your first. So what was it like, anyway? I always pictured it to be really magical- ” (etc.) when in fact Mei was having a traumatic experience, is what causes her to attack Yuzu.

That's where Mei’s violence comes from as she attacks Yuzu. Yuzu hasn't figured out yet that the expression she was seeing on Mei’s face as her abuser kissed her was that of intense physical and emotional pain, she was trying to dissociate while trapped in agony. And Yuzu is making light of that pain, something she has no experience with. And as she does, she's making Mei relive the pain she's so desperate to disassociate from all over again, which makes her desperate to get Yuzu to stop talking because it's hurting her.

So, she does what her abuser has done to her time and time again, which shut down her ability to fight back against him by overwhelming her, to stop Yuzu and so she will know what it's like to be powerless and in pain. She does to Yuzu what has been done to her. Afterwards as she stands up, she angrily tells Yuzu “It felt like THAT. Magical enough for you?”

As she does, we’re shown her face in black shadow. But this is for suspense- Yuzu was able to see the sadness and pain on Mei's face that she has been carrying day and day again as the man who she was betrothed to for financial gain has had free license to abuse her.

What could Yuzu possibly know about her pain, she's saying. And as traumatic as what she does to Yuzu, we see that Yuzu doesn't totally shut down. Not like Mei had to do to dissociate and survive the abuse, no Yuzu's senses are wide open. She's looking for the reason Mei attacked her, sensing her anguish, and she will go on to find its source so she can help her.

This is not the reaction of someone who is in dissociation due to trauma, Yuzu took the hit and kept processing. If anything, what Mei does to her sharpens Yuzu’s senses, not the opposite- even while Yuzu is struggling against shutting down from the violation of it. Being attacked was horrifying, and what Mei was very upsetting. Yet it's the first time Yuzu has encountered trauma in another person, she's trying to understand it, and her empathy towards Mei is what's in control.

That about sums it up, Yuzu has begun her struggle with her new realization that she's gay and attracted to Mei, but that's not as important as how she goes on to call out Mei’s abuser and get him fired, the engagement rescinded as well. And it really really helps Mei, she's never seen anyone come to her aid.

Which sets up our second fight- at Grandpa’s house.

After Yuzu’s calling out Mei’s abuser in front of the school to get him fired, Mei is forced to return to her grandfather's house, which she obeys out of duty. And Yuzu has a notion of this, which Mei teases her about “Are you going to save me from my mean old grandfather?” Mei seldom smiles but she does here, Yuzu’s care for her tickles her heartstrings. But it must be fake, others helping her and love is a lie in Mei’s experience. But Yuzu comes to see her at the mansion anyway.

In the bedroom at her grandfather's house, Yuzu tries to cut past the bullshit, imploring Mei to leave while listing out how she sees that Mei works hard for the school yet gets hurt for it. She doesn't understand how powerless Mei has really been, that duty and honor controlled her and made her go along with the engagement her grandfather so coldly made for her. That she put up with the abuse out of duty. So Mei flies at Yuzu in a rage, who speaks like she knows how difficult it is when she does not.

Mei is in full trauma flashback as she does, all of the powerlessness she had of knowing her abuser could attack her whenever he wanted and that she had to put up with it for the family wells up all at once. She's no longer really seeing what's in front of her, she's just repeating what was done to her to Yuzu, who's doing her best to fight back. But as she attacks Yuzu and Yuzu thinks she's about to be traumatized, all of Mei’s hurt and anguish pours down on Yuzu as tears of sadness. Yuzu’s eyes flare with understanding as she feels their warmth on her skin. She manages to hold Mei’s arms at bay and pull her close “I'm here, I'm right here!”.

Yuzu's response to Mei’s attacking her out of pain is to hug her close, something we’ll see time and time again. This is an empathetically intelligent choice Yuzu makes because she really is that exceptional of a person, she’ll help Mei even if it's hard. Just like that, this stops Mei- she's no longer in a traumatic flashback. Yuzu hugging her is such a new experience that Mei is lost on how to respond, she's not used to receiving empathy.

This healing would have gone further but their grandfather interrupts them and blames it all on Yuzu who's partially underdressed from Mei attacking her. Which sucks for them both, but Yuzu’s hugging Mei starts Mei thinking that Yuzu might actually get her, even though Yuzu has no idea what it is to be abused like she has, Yuzu at some subconscious level can tell what Mei is feeling, and hugged her in response…

Sisterly Love, and what that's really about

This begins a long period of reflection for Yuzu and her relationship to Mei. She went to the manor to help Mei, but was forced from the room by an enraged grandfather as Mei sat despondent on the bed. Why does she end up hurting Mei instead of helping her? It's not that she did, Mei needed exactly what Yuzu offered, the hug she gave her. And Yuzu realizes she's in love for the first time.

But that's where sisterly love comes in, because we immediately hear Yuzu fall back on this concept to try to explain her love. This is because it's an odd sort of love, so far. Yuzu feels an intense desire to comfort and protect Mei. She feels this way because of her romantic feelings, but so far that's still not clear to her. She thinks it might be a sisterly thing.

This kind of care, protectiveness is often depicted in anime, of the older sister’s love for their younger siblings. This is a natural kind of love, a familial love- so it confuses Yuzu because this kind of love is not intrinsically a kind of romantic love. But it can be, as romantic love IS a kind of familial love because lovers become found family. She knows Mei has been in a desperate place and that she needs her support, like an older sister (which she now technically is) would provide.

Yuzu also considers that maybe because of Mei's desperate situation, that's what she should be focusing on, how her empathy can support Mei getting past being hurt. She's not wrong to think this, but Yuzu doesn't understand that her protective feelings come from her romantic interest yet, so it fries her circuits. She wants to be good to Mei but can't separate her protective instinct from romantic desire, she will struggle with this right up until the end and during her love confession.

What Yuzu can't see yet is that her protectiveness towards Mei isn't sisterly love, it's wifely love.

Yuzu and Mei get their chance to get closer when their grandfather becomes ill. Yuzu finding him as such when she was about to confront him about her expulsion brings them together as a family, and he will have to accept her as a granddaughter. And it helps Mei to accept Yuzu's generous nature as genuine. She decides to go back to living with Yuzu's mother and her, irregardless of Yuzu’s telling her to choose her own happiness. Yuzu's happy hug at the hospital catches Mei by surprise but she doesn't fight it.

I also like that Mei's grandfather tells Mei to live her own life, make her own choices knowing full well that Mei may have gay feelings for Yuzu. He was initially homophobic seeming, but at least in the anime, he’s able to recognize what Mei wants and separate that from the flawed expectations he put on her that have hurt her so much. In this timeline, it makes me think Mei is going to be ok, although I think this story may differ slightly from the manga.

So she gets his blessing to live in Yuzu's home. Mei is making a choice to accept her and Yuzu's mother as family, when she gets home she's further taken aback by Yuzu's mother's genuine hug and happiness to have her back. She wants to accept that maybe this isn't fake after all. She even lets Yuzu fix her bear- at first, she is of course affronted, telling Yuzu not to touch her stuff. But, her bear was something she couldn't fix on her own. She's thankful to Yuzu even if she can't say it out loud.

Mei, the paragon of adult responsibility in a teenager, lacked the ability and executive function to sow her bear back together properly, and Yuzu is welcoming her home by doing a superb job of it. Mei hid the bear from Yuzu- it is the one good memory she still has of her father before he left her.

What this bear represents is her innermost self, and her vulnerability that she hides from others. The one considerate gift her father ever gave her had become broken and frayed over time, like she has from abuse, and she couldn't find within herself to fix it as the burdens of her life crushed down on her. Mei hasn't been well since, and that's why the bear got more broken over time. It is a reflection of her inner state. And for Yuzu to come along and fix it, like Yuzu did getting her abuser fired, as well as giving her a new family where her feelings are considered and she gets support, is symbolic. Mei is incredulous that it can be real yet she goes with it.

We will see Mei's bear many times at important junctures, such as Yuzu's love confession, as the representation of her innermost wants. When it came to fixing the bear, it had to be Yuzu because she's the person who ruses to stop loving Mei. But that doesn't mean that Mei won't mess things up constantly, believing such love cannot be real for someone like her.

…So they end up fighting again.

To which Mei will openly admit how terrible she is for pushing Yuzu away, which is important to consider when judging her actions.

After their mother gets them a bed to sleep in, Yuzu is understandably unable to separate her romantic and sexual attraction from her intentions to be good to Mei. They're sleeping in the same bed, for fuck’s sake, their transition to being wives is even more real! But Mei stiff arms Yuzu’s wanting to make out with her, instead choosing to sleep on the floor. Yuzu doesn't get it, instead asking Mei why she would kiss her if she didn't like her.

Mei tells Yuzu she was talking rudely and that she did it to shut her up- Mei actually tells Yuzu outright that she uses sexual assault as a weapon to stop people from hurting her. And yeah, Yuzu was hurting her by bringing up the abusive moment she witnessed, which Mei needs to dissociate from, in a hurtful way by suggesting that Mei was enjoying it when she was actually in incredible pain.

And that's really cruel of Mei. She fights like her abuser taught her to, by violating someone's safety and feelings so much that they shut down, and so Yuzu had to go through that. Yet, as bad as what Mei did was, Yuzu didn't shut down, she tried to understand. Mei then tells Yuzu that she's not romantically interested in her and only did it to stop her, and so Yuzu tells her “I see. That you're terrible.”

Mei solemnly agrees “It would seem so.” She can't help lashing out in defense and she openly acknowledges her own horribleness, all of its true. She's no good as the target of another’s affections.

But it's a lie that she's not interested in Yuzu. She's never been so attracted to anyone in her life. But she's scared to let her get too close, so she acts mean instead. Mei knows she's terrible, and for one part she's trying to scare Yuzu away. She's telling Yuzu: why get involved with someone who's so hurt?

The next sequence is dominated by Yuzu’s pushing Mei down and kissing her, as well as other affronts to Mei’s personal space such as with Momo. It all leaves Mei ragged at the edges, and she gets sick because of it.

You might be thinking, it's only fair since Mei did it to Yuzu first, but remember that Yuzu isn't the one who was attacked repeatedly by an abuser with total power to do so. So, it really is wrong of Yuzu to do it. This also leads to a jealous spiral with Momo, who further assaults Mei, trying to seduce her into being her girlfriend. In both cases Mei’s dismay goes unconsidered, and as an abuse survivor it is a blow to Mei's confidence in others.

Now, it's not like Yuzu pushing Mei down is unexpected, she's an inexperienced teenager after all. She really doesn't know anything about love (her words). She went to Mei's office thinking they were going to patch things up, but instead Mei tries to talk down to her for reading naughty manga. Yuzu’s “This is all your fault Mei, for kissing me” is fair, Yuzu hates Mei’s double standards. She put the moves on her in the shower, after all. What's Yuzu supposed to think, that Mei isn't interested? She clearly is. But it still sucks that Yuzu gets so caught up in her own feelings that she takes Mei's autonomy away by forcing her down and kissing her. It's true, it's not all bad, after Yuzu flees, Mei's fingers linger on her lips where Yuzu kissed her, feeling how different that it is when someone she’s actually attracted to kisses her assertively.

Not knowing what to do with herself afterwards, Yuzu retreats to Harumin’s house so she won't have to face Mei at home. Yuzu recognizes that she hurt Mei again, and wants to apologize but can't find the words to do it. Yuzu meets with Himeko who wants to know what went down in the office between them which grants her a bit more insight about Mei: her father left her and the family years ago, and Mei changed for the worse after, taking on the family burden and seeming to suffer while distancing Himeko’s friendship.

Himeko tries to beat up on Yuzu for hurting Mei's feelings but as usual Yuzu sees past the bullshit and walks out instead. She then happens upon Mei on the street, who asks why she hasn't been coming home at night. Yuzu tries to indicate that she can't be there because of Mei, she knows she was bad.

Yet Mei seemingly forgives her- we were shown scenes of Mei looking lonely in the bedroom without Yuzu there- and then for the first time Mei uses Yuzu’s name “Why not? It's where you live, right, Yuzu?” Yuzu has a happy reaction to this- almost “Hey, Adora” esque- and it convinces Yuzu that it's ok to come home. Yuzu obligues. Himeko, witnessing this conversation, finds out they're stepsisters, and living together, thus jumpstarting her jealous attempt at seducing Mei.

That tantalizing and almost healthy kiss

Before we get to that, we need to talk about the best kiss they have up to that point. Yuzu is finally home and crashes on the bed, only to find out Mei snuck under the covers next to her. So now Yuzu is freaking out because technically they're in bed together, apparently Mei isn't planning on sleeping separately.

Seeing Yuzu’s distress, Mei knows she must answer Yuzu's confusion. Yuzu openly shows shame as she faces her, she's about to apologize for forcing the kiss on her when to her surprise Mei brings it up instead. Mei’s words about what happened- don't apologize “Because I think may have pressured you into it as well” shows she doesn't blame Yuzu for getting upset and forgives her. Yet Yuzu apologizes anyways “I shouldn't have done anything without considering how you felt” is exactly right.

When Mei suggests they do something to have closure, Yuzu blushes all but saying she wants to kiss- after all Mei is in front of her and has indicated that she's forgiven. Still, it's surprising when Mei leans in to give her a simple, no nonsense kiss. Poor Yuzu is right to be confused- if that wasn't a make up kiss between two girlfriends she's blind! As soon as it's over, she's expected to go back to hands off- is she her girlfriend or is she not? Is Mei stringing her along? Yeah, but not for the obvious reasons- Mei is too insecure for a real relationship yet. But she IS betting on Yuzu.

We then have Momo’s assault, and as Mei’s oldest friend she's disappointed that Momo would try that on her. Himeko’s “I won't lose her to you” right before in regards to Yuzu is self involved and ignores Mei’s feelings entirely. Himeko goes on to learn to set aside her selfish desires since they keep Mei from being happy.

Now believing she's in competition with Himeko, Yuzu sees her taking Mei to her fathers grave as a chance to get ahead, and as a date. Of course it isn't a date unless both people agree that it is beforehand! Separated on the train, Yuzu fights over to Mei on the train and they end up smashed together tits to tits, and when Mei seems to react sexually to the closeness Yuzu takes liberties yet again, which is another violation of Mei's space. Even though Mei is most guilty of ignoring consent, as an abuse survivor it's important that people ask her for it, which Yuzu didn't do.

Yet later on, Mei yet again flirts with Yuzu at the crepe shop by eating the whip cream off her lips, Mei is one cool character as she does this deliberate tease. As much as she says otherwise, it's obvious she likes Yuzu, she wants Yuzu’s attention and so she does enough to keep her interested.

Yuzu and Mei get closer as family at her fathers grave when Mei realizes Yuzu is like her in how she has struggled with loneliness. She confesses to Yuzu that she's never read her father's letters because she doesn't know if she can ever feel like a daughter again after what he did. But as she does she realizes that she's fortunate that her father is alive, unlike Yuzu. Yuzu promises to help Mei find a way to help her reconnect with her dad. It's a huge relief, stressed out and tired Mei’s walls come down emotionally for Yuzu… and that's when the cold she's been fighting off catches up with her.

The day before, Mei skipped two meals in a row, she skipped dinner after Momo’s assaulting her, and lunch the next day when both Momo and Yuzu try to eat lunch with her, arguing in front of her. She banished both of them, both of them were not considering her feelings in how they've acted and it’s stressing her out, making her sick to her stomach, so again she didn't want to eat. Still, when Yuzu requested her presence for visiting her father, Mei went along.

All of this leads to her later collapse at school. It may have allied her to have an emotional breakthrough with Yuzu after she went to the grave, but she missed multiple meals out of stress, making her catch a cold which she tries to ignore because she believes she cannot to miss the board meeting later in the day. This is the thing with Mei: most of her emotional breakthroughs come when she's exhausted, that's when her walls come down and she acts sincerely.

But it also is what leads to her getting sick and collapsing, that's the other consequence of Momo and Yuzu having run her ragged. Collapsed on the ground because of her cold, she snaps at Momo, telling her she has no idea what real responsibility is- how much she's been carrying. Yuzu scolds her for this- maybe Momo doesn't understand her job and the demands put on her by the adults she has to please at the board meeting, but lashing out solves nothing. Yuzu will make her apologize for this- also, we don't hear anything bad come of it so Momo probably did fine filling in. Mei consistently believes she's more isolated than she actually is.

Fight 3: make no mistake, Mei’s father is still a bad parent.

An important thing to remember about Citrus is that it's not all as one sided as Mei hurting Yuzu, the opposite happens too, in fact Yuzu will bring up the night Mei's father returned as one of her biggest failures. When Mei’s father says he won't return to the academy, and Mei realizes that the burdens she accepted 5 years ago as a mere child really are hers to bear alone, we get the scene of Mei’s attempted seduction and Yuzu slapping her for it. It's a mistake about expectations each of them has and how they don't quite understand each other yet, like Sarah tells Yuzu to do later on.

As Yuzu reaches out for Mei while she's crying facing away from her, she wants to comfort her but doesn't really understand Mei's display of desperate emotion, so she hesitates. She can't fathom the depth of Mei’s pain and all she has bore that lead to it, she doesn't know firsthand what it was like for Mei to be abused by her fiancé in order to ensure the academy's future. Her “When are you going to stop trying to do everything alone” and shocked look when Mei turns to her, her eyes full of tears and betrayal, telling Yuzu she had no choice but to do it, shows how little she knows of Mei’s burden.

Still shocked by the look in Mei's eyes, Yuzu stammers as Mei reaches for her, and then Mei is suddenly kissing her, Yuzu's eyes remain wide as she is still trying to process what that look in Mei's eyes meant. Mei’s words were a glimpse into a world Yuzu has never seen and while she can get there on understanding it, there's no way she can deal with Mei’s sudden emotions, her expectations as she kisses her, the sadness Mei wants her to fill. Mei’s “you’ll be the one who needs me, won't you" is a desperate admission of her loneliness. Mei proceeds to attempt to seduce Yuzu, if Yuzu wants closeness then sex is closeness, right? If Mei can prove herself as a lover then Yuzu will want her, she will have purpose.

As she says “I’m lost, I need someone to accept these feelings”, Yuzu responds “... Oh, Mei” and we are shown a very deliberate shot of Yuzu hugging Mei to her. Mei is tragic and blowing past all restraints due to sadness and is trying to seduce Yuzu, and Yuzu accurately identifies loneliness as the real reason Mei is suddenly kissing her. So, Yuzu hugs her, wanting to give Mei a place to cry out her lonely emotions. So she can heal.

Once again, as Mei becomes tragic we see how intelligently Yuzu responds to it. What Yuzu offers her is real healing, but that's not really what Mei is expecting in this moment. Mei is dissociating from her true feelings, she's desperately seeking to secure some reason to think they're together and she sees sex as a way to secure closeness. Her emotions are way too raw to process gently in Yuzu’s arms, so to say.

Sex seems more tangible to her, once she knows she has Yuzu for sure maybe she can heal bit by bit in her arms, but she can't just cry it out, so to say. Her panic is telling her to get as close to Yuzu as quickly as she can, so she tries to prove herself. She's all bluster as she tells Yuzu that she's good at taking orders- Matsuri calling her a slut has no basis in reality. Mei is good at faking confidence though, and it is true that she will be careful to find how to please Yuzu best, in thanks for being with her. But Yuzu isn't having it.

Yuzu offered her this emotionally healing moment by hugging her, that's what real closeness is. And instead Mei is rushing forward with sex, and that's not real closeness. Yuzu may be a very sexual person but she wants romance, she has expectations of both. What she can't see yet is how desperate Mei is to secure their relationship by closing that distance physically. Both of them have very different expectations of what this moment should be- Mei’s is sex, Yuzu's is to hold Mei as she cries, to get closer, to have Mei tell her more of how she's been burdened so she can support her better.

And so, they fight. And this time, it's really Yuzu who starts a fight. She slaps Mei, telling her “Why can't you think of MY feelings for once?” Of how sex without real closeness isn't what she wants, of how Yuzu wants Mei to be romantic with her before they do that. Mei seducing her lacked all romance, Mei is terrible at being romantically present or seeing Yuzu's feelings. But Yuzu isn't the one who has been abused and crushed by the world, that's Mei. She doesn't understand the place of desperateness Mei was coming from by asking her to be the one who needs her. She can't fathom it yet, she wasn't given a chance to process what Mei just dumped on her.

Yuzu goes on to do everything she can to help Mei get close to her father again, but later during her love confession Yuzu specifically brings up how she hit Mei this day. Proving her devotion to Mei by helping her save her relationship with her father wasn't enough. She fought with Mei that day, she came to blows. And despite her actions helping Mei with her father, it's not closure for how she acted that day.

Yuzu comes to realize that if she really loves Mei she needs to have a better way to solve conflict than fighting, because Mei has had to fight with too many people. It's not wrong of Yuzu to reject Mei’s offer of sex, but it is wrong to hurt Mei when she doesn't even really understand Yuzu’s feelings because Yuzu didn't know how to tell her why what she did was wrong. Slapping Mei was a selfish act on Yuzu's part and being an emotionally intelligent person means doing better than that, Yuzu is still just learning and slapping Mei is a juvenile response not befitting her level of emotional intelligence.

After Yuzu manages to heal the divide between Mei and her father, we get their first real kiss, the only good kiss until Yuzu’s love confession. We get to see just how good it could be before it all goes wrong again.

Mei tells Yuzu how much better she feels now that she and her father can understand each other. She speaks with happiness, something we rarely see Mei do… Yuzu finds herself crying, knowing that Mei isn't hurting anymore, it's a sympathetic reaction. Yuzu hates for others to be hurting and it's not just her romantic interest in Mei that motivates her here, she really is good natured. She feels relieved like Mei must feel relieved, and so she cries in happiness.

Mei sees this, she doesn't quite understand why Yuzu would cry… that these are tears of healing, if not for Yuzu but instead for the feelings she herself must be having. Mei isn't that terrible of a person, she's sympathetic to Yuzu’s hurting healing in this moment and she instinctively wants to comfort her. To give Yuzu a safe space so she can let her emotions out. In this moment, their roles are reversed. One hand comfortingly placed over Yuzu's, their faces are close as Yuzu realizes Mei is caressing her face, wanting to soothe her tears and comfort her.

Their kiss is spontaneous but natural, they are emotionally connecting with each other. Mei’s fingers interlace with Yuzu’s as they do and the kiss lasts. It feels good instead of unnerving on some level for one or both of them, but we see a very different reaction to this revelation when they pull apart.

Yuzu reacts with wonder, she's never really kissed before, not where she was free to enjoy it. This is a brand new experience for her and she celebrates it, so this is what it's supposed to feel like. She sees so many positive possibilities from this moment.

Mei, on the other hand, is also surprised at how different it felt, how good, but you can see in her expression that she's also reeling from a conflict of emotions. She's scared of how vulnerable it makes her feel, how she lost her control in the moment, to have that pleasure make her yearn for something deeper than just kissing or sex. It scares her and you can see this look of worry in her eyes.

As usual, Mei will push Yuzu away, not ready for all of those emotions.

The Matsuri arc

Hey if you've stuck with me so far, thanks. I know it's a lot. Luckily I think we can get through the next few episodes quicker! That way we can get to the real story: Christmas and the love confession! Yay. Really, this whole middle part of this story is about rivals appearing, first a rival for Yuzu’s affection in Matsuri, and then for Mei’s affection in Sarah. We’ll touch on Yuzu’s lonely existence, the Christmas disaster, and hopefully get to the real story quicker.

Matsuri is, actually, a pretty believable character. She's not just a plot device, her desires are well defined and she reveals a lot about Yuzu, and she's not all bad when it's said and done. She's like both Mei and Yuzu in having a lifelong struggle with loneliness, and like Mei in the total neglect her parents showed her. So, she's gone down some bad paths as a totally unsupervised teenager. I actually kinda like her as a character.

She is of course a rival to Mei for Yuzu's affection, and she appears just as Mei is pushing Yuzu away again. That kiss we saw between them was so promising it can be hard to understand why Mei isn't just Yuzu’s girlfriend from then on, but remember that worried look Mei had after they kissed. It's too much too fast for her so she backs Yuzu off. We get Yuzu’s adorable daydream where a half naked Mei tells her she's in love with her- yeah, Yuzu really wants to hear those words, she's a romantic. And then after she wakes up, moments later Mei tells her to get lost- Mei feels she needs to refocus on those things that were always most important to her like her grades and managing the academy, and she gives Yuzu a sad look when she tells her that she might get held back because of her bad grades.

Basically, Mei is a liar- she wants to be in school with Yuzu, and to help her as her girlfriend with her homework. Instead of telling Yuzu this she hits her with the “we're sisters. Consider that our last kiss.” She's not ready for a real relationship, she's still processing. Yuzu is thrown for a loop, and then a rival appears- Marsuri.

We get a lot of inflammatory stuff as Matsuri takes to things like a wrecking ball, including blackmailing Mei into a situation where she might be sexually assaulted again, but we’ll talk about that with Christmas.

What Matsuri really is in need of is some actual fucking human connection, hence Mei's later line to Yuzu when she becomes concerned “Go out with her, she wants to see you. That girl needs you, so you shouldn't let her down”.

Circling all the way back to the day Matsuri shows up in the story; Mei feels dejected after coming home late to find Yuzu still out partying, the house dark and empty. She was planning to compliment Yuzu on her improved grades. I think Mei even planned to flirt with her and crack the door again to maybe more than sisters, yet Yuzu isn't there. It gives her reason to doubt those feelings, and then out on the street she sees Matsuri forcing a kiss on Yuzu and gets jealous instead, leading to her hugging Yuzu from behind in a sexy way and saying “This is normal for sisters, right?” After all, Yuzu calls Matsuri “like a sister” and they were kissing.

We get two pivotal scenes I’d like to talk about before we get to Christmas. One is the flashback we're given about Yuzu befriending Matsuri as a kid, because it gives us a crucial understanding of Yuzu that may not have been obvious. Yuzu has a good mom but she's a single parent that works all of the time, so Yuzu mostly grew up alone. Kinda like Matsuri, making them natural friends. Kinda like Mei. Yuzu has been very lonely most of her life, despite being extroverted she hasn't developed a lot of meaningful relationships. That's a lot like Mei. As it turns out, they both have extreme loneliness in common. It's part of why Yuzu likes Mei as a person- they share this trait, they're both looking for a deeper connection, a real family so to speak. To her, it's obvious they should get together.

Which is our second discussion: as Yuzu shops for Christmas, her best friend Harumin tells her “With all those domestic skills, you'll make a great wife one day" and we see Yuzu take a long inward pause as she considers it. She really, really wants to make a home for Mei. She wants to be a wife, she wants to take care of her partner. Caring for others is what gives Yuzu life. Yuzu wants to have her own family and that family is Mei. She wants to live together with Mei as wives. Mei can be the head of the academy and she’ll be her wife and that all sounds hunky dorey to Yuzu. Yuzu is filled with wifely love at the idea of cultivating this home with Mei.

Briefly covering what goes down with Matsuri, we get to see Mei wield the weapon of sexual violence again when she forces the kiss on Matsuri. She really believes in it, but it doesn't quite work on Matsuri, does it?

This gives us a hint about Mei's experience: she's very sensitive and what her abuser did really hurt her. Given Matsuri and Yuzu's reactions, it's not quite the weapon she thinks it is. Mei is more sensitive than most when it comes to touching, something Matsuri also exploits against her.

Then we have Yuzu sorting out what really happened in no time flat. The second Matsuri reveals her manipulation of putting Mei in danger of sexual assault again, Yuzu comes back at Matsuri saying: "We have to apologize- to the one person who really is thinking about your feelings.” Mei knew Matsuri was desperate like she is and sent Yuzu away, leading to Mei nearly being prostituted. But Yuzu doesn't dwell on her anger towards Matsuri- she immediately heals the situation by making Matsuri apologize to Mei, it's what will make the situation better. And as she does this, Matsuri is pulled along in Yuzu's wake, now seeing how small and pathetic her actions were.

Once things are resolved with Matsuri and they're all headed home on the train we get Mei saying the nicest things about Yuzu. She says “I was always so desperate to be loved”... “but I kept my heart locked up tight and pushed everyone away when they tried to get close. Before I knew it, I was left feeling empty. But, there are certain pushy people in this world who will love you no matter how much you protest. And if we're lucky enough to meet one of them, then even we can end up happy.”

It's a great idea, and it's the true motivation thesis of Mei's actions. She's not evil, she's just scared, and as Yuzu fixes her life, she wants to change, so she can be happy and make Yuzu happy, too. Of course Yuzu is adorably out cold during the best compliment she's ever been given.

Nobody sums up Yuzu's altruistic nature better than Mei does. Even after everything that goes wrong, Yuzu can see Mei’s pain underneath her worst actions and she never gives up on her. Mei had expected her to give up- everyone in her life either abandoned er or only saw her from their own selfish desires, so Mei stopped really believing in love or generosity.

In this moment, exhausted from a day of nearly being forced into sex with a stranger, only to have Yuzu showers her with love, exhausted like she often is, Mei’s walls come down so she can speak truth without her own hurt clouding her. That doesn't mean it's going to be easy for her to let Yuzu in, even after all Yuzu has done. We see that later on Christmas night.

The Christmas Armageddon- why does Mei push Yuzu away again?

Matsuri isn't all bad, she says pivotal things first to Mei, and then to Yuzu about their relationship. As Mei eats the cake Yuzu made for her, Yuzu collapses into her arms, crying for her and telling her to never put herself in harms way like she did again, because “if you get hurt it's going to hurt me and our mom a hundred thousand times more”. She accepts Yuzu’s altruistic nature, that Yuzu’s fear for her wasn't just because she wants her romantically. Yuzu criticizes her for not being straightforward with her, and so Mei reflects on Matsuri’s parting wisdom as they were riding home together “Mei, you could stand to be a lot more direct."

So, tired like she often is, Mei decides to take the leap and try to trust Yuzu with her trauma. Also, notice how moments before she does Yuzu tells Mei to come to her with any problem she has, and in what Mei does next, she sees herself as doing just that, because she yearns for Yuzu desperately. She tells her she's about to be more direct, seductively approaches her. As Yuzu feels Mei’s heart through her boob which she put Yuzu’s hand on (oh boy hurray gay), her words “My heart is about to leap from my chest for you” is as close as Yuzu was going to be to a love confession, but her following words are even more important to set the tone of her actions.

Still with Yuzu’s hand on her boob she tells her “There are things inside me which would thrill you, and some that would terrify you. I need you to understand that much from the very start” is the informed consent on being an emotionally damaged person. She's telling Yuzu that she doesn't even really know her own trauma or when it will come up, but she's willing to dive into a full relationship with Yuzu while still not knowing her own chaos- she's going to freak out from time to time but she'll process those emotions as they come up.

After Yuzu pulls away, not feeling comfortable with the sudden interest from Mei she brings it home again “You forced your way in and helped me process these chaotic emotions I have (about her father and grandfather), so let's do what you want to do- I think I know what that is” is her laying out just how she feels about Yuzu as a person, she respects and admirers her. It seems like just blank seduction again, but Mei is really asking Yuzu for a specific thing: permission to be messy while being in a full relationship with her. Since Mei doesn't even really know the dark corners of her own mind where her traumatic memories hide, it's the best she can do.

Again, Mei wants to get Yuzu as close to her physically as she can, and to be useful to Yuzu as her lover. Also, I think Mei closing the deal with sex is the only way she feels she'll know she can trust Yuzu, after they do it she can curl up in her arms and feel safe.

So, is Yuzu wrong to reject Mei’s offer of sex? Again, of course not, but she is wrong to shut down emotionally like she does. When Mei tells her “yes” when she asks if it's ok to sleep with her, she can tell there's something off with the way Mei looks at her. After pulling back from nearly kissing her, Mei is waiting for Yuzu’s answer, her look is very serious. Mei is thinking “will she take this risk with me?” and she's holding herself back a bit to await the answer. If Yuzu says yes, great. They will spontaneously go all the way and Mei can feel like the sex closed the deal on them being together.

If Yuzu says no, that means Yuzu isn't willing to be in a relationship with someone as messed up as she is, she can't handle it. Again, it's informed consent. Yuzu doesn't quite grasp the magnitude of what Mei is asking her for, and when she says no, Mei slams the door to her heart she had offered to open to Yuzu, seemingly for good after she ghosts Yuzu all of January leading up to the school trip. Mei goes back to believing that Yuzu can never really understand someone that's been hurt like she has, and it’ll take Yuzu’s most open and vulnerable love confession to convince her otherwise.

For Yuzu, she rejects Mei out of her own reasonable romantic expectations, yet again. It's not the fairy tale ending she's read in her manga so she gets scared. There's no slow build, no romance in how Mei is suddenly asking her to sleep with her. Yuzu doesn't want sex without all of the other things, the little, tender moments. Without those shared joys, Yuzu is scared the relationship won't be strong enough to survive the bumps in the road.

Yuzu will reflect on this expectation, and how she isn't thinking about Mei's feelings and how she might not be available to be romantic in that moment because of her own hang ups. And how as the non traumatized one, she needs to make more space for Mei’s feelings. That's what being a good partner means for someone like her. Once again, The Christmas Armageddon is all about how they had different expectations, and weren't really understanding each other. Yuzu needs to think about Mei's feelings more if this is going to work, and how Mei feels too broken to do so back in kind.

Kyoto Sarah Arc 💋

Yuzu really knows she's in the doghouse when she wakes up the morning of the trip and Mei ghosted her so she’ll miss the train. A month has gone by and Yuzu hasn't been able to figure out why Mei has gone total Ice Queen on her. How Mei tried to tell her that she was broken inside but would try to be with her anyways. For Yuzu, she feels like she didn't even really do anything to be in the doghouse in the first place, if Mei was serious about being with her she should have had other chances, they could have done the slow build. Why did Mei shut down on her instead?

Yuzu is really smart, but it's not without some help from her friends that she's able to figure out how to get through to Mei. Sarah will later tell her that she and Mei are alike, they are both scared little girls trying to protect their hearts. Mei is scared that someone like Yuzu will never be able to understand her trauma, that she's too broken to ever be with anyone. So she shuts the doors to her heart to protect herself but I also believe to protect Yuzu from what she feels is a lost cause- herself. Yuzu has to come to understand these things about Mei in order to be with her.

I've said Matsuri isn't a bad person, and she really comes to Yuzu’s rescue with one of the best lines in the series “If you want to be with someone, then you have to consider their feelings”. It's not that Yuzu’s expectations of romance are wrong, it's that she places those expectations on Mei that's wrong, because Mei isn't her. Yuzu is totally in love with Mei, she wants to be with her. What does being with Mei look like when Mei has emotional damage? How does making it work with Mei go, if Yuzu isn't scared and trying to ‘protect her own heart’?

Yuzu comes to realize that to have Mei she's got to set her expectations aside and accept whatever comes next because Mei believes she's too broken to be with her. Those feelings of brokenness prevent Mei from having the same romantic dream as Yuzu. She has to understand Mei’s feelings as well as say her own feelings to Mei in a way that Mei can understand them. Nothing less than her most vulnerable love confession will do this, that's what it's going to take for Mei to understand that Yuzu sees how scared she is and is still choosing to be with her.

Now, we of course get a rival for Mei’s affections, but it's not that serious. I like Sarah. I think she's fun, I really do. And I think that she's a plot device is a bit too obvious. But we do need her to be in the story for Mei’s most important line leading up to the confession: “Tell me whether or not you need me.”

This line echoes Mei's earlier lines and has everything to do with Mei’s feelings that she's too broken to be loved. She wants someone to tell her that she's useful for a purpose, that's something she knows she can believe in. Her whole life before meeting Yuzu was how she felt she had to be the heir because that's what she believed having purpose looked like. But love is not so simple as being needed for a job you can fill, yet Yuzu will know to say those exact words,“I need you” to Mei during her confession.

I realize Mei’s behavior in ep10-12 can be hard to understand, Yuzu says it outright “Maybe she really is done with me”. But rest assured the whole time Mei is hoping against all odds that she can be with Yuzu, she just doesn't see how her wish can come true. Yuzu is what she wants, she just doesn't feel good enough about herself to be with her. How do we know this? We can look at Mei’s bear, her external representation of her feelings.

This bear is so important in the anime that it appears during their confession kiss scene, and it appears here a couple more revealing times. The first is when Mei goes to the relationship shrine, she secludes herself as best she can to ask for guidance on how to be with Yuzu. She holds her bear in the crook of her fingers while she prays for guidance. Mei is very much thinking about Yuzu, but she’s stuck on what she can do to make things better after ruining it all yet again.

The second time is when she's getting ready for bed, she has tucked her bear into a little futon she has for him. This is mostly just a soft moment for us, but I think it's important because I believe what we’re being shown is Mei doing self care.

She doesn't know what to do with her life or how to be with Yuzu, but she can make her bear’s life a little better, so she does. She's taking a moment to show the representation of her innermost self some comfort. When she feels so far away from Yuzu emotionally, she comforts herself by taking care of the bear Yuzu put back together for her. Like her soul- Yuzu has helped her put back together her inner self, by confronting her abuser, rescuing from her grandfather's home, and reuniting her with her dad. Being with Yuzu is absolutely all that's on Mei’s mind.

Before we really get to the kiss, let's dwell a bit on Yuzu's emotional journey of letting go of her romantic expectations and confusion over sisterly love. Yuzu recognizes in Mei that she needs love and support aside from Yuzu’s self interest of pursuing her romantically, so Yuzu at first approaches Mei outside the hotel offering that. Mei counters her “Tell me how you really feel about me.” And Yuzu chokes, she wasn't expecting Mei to confront her on why she actually cares so much, and Mei is being frigid and stoic as she does. Yuzu is so scared of Mei’s scorn that she doesn't see how Mei is asking for her true feelings, like we see her confess during their kiss.

That Yuzu has been in the doghouse the last month, not really knowing why, has her on edge such that Mei's guarded response throws her. But, as I mentioned above, Yuzu didn't see how Mei opened herself up to Yuzu that night about her trauma and how hard being in a relationship would be, but that she would do it. Largely, Yuzu misses these cues because of her own romantic expectations blocking her from seeing Mei’s emotions.

It's so bad that Matsuri, the person who told her to think about Mei's feelings, nearly calls Yuzu to ask if she's gotten Mei to be her girlfriend yet. But the whole time episodes 10-12 are going on we’re hearing Yuzu process her romantic expectations against Mei’s needs. Shes intuitive and smart like few people are about emotions, and knowing this Matsuri elects to not call her. “She’ll figure it out, this is Yuzu we’re talking about.”

We get a couple more meetings of the lovers along the way, such as in Mei’s hotel room hiding under the covers. At this point in the story Yuzu has recognized that she’s in love with Mei and that being with her is worth it, but hasn't found the words yet. Nestled together under the covers to hide from Momo, Yuzu first hugs Mei, like she always does, wanting that closeness.

Mei reacts to it, she's very vulnerable having Yuzu so close. These are the kinds of hugs Mei needs to really heal her emotions- to melt into Yuzu's embrace. Yet Mei isn't sure Yuzu can handle being her girlfriend. Seeing Mei fighting against this, of hugging or crying or melting into her sexually (Mei wants all of the above) Yuzu decides that maybe she can convince Mei sexually, she kisses her neck, Mei pushes her away. Again, not what Mei really wants in that moment.

She's not feeling at all safe with Yuzu, she doesn't feel like she can trust her with her desires and her traumas all at once, so Yuzu trying to seduce her through her sexual yearning is a violation of her personal space and her wants. Yuzu still isn't understanding what Mei needs, after a little fight she's kicked to the curb yet again, which sets her up for her confession.

The Kiss- Yuzu gets what she wants, after making sure Mei gets what she needs, that is.

How adorable is this whole sequence, neh? From Mei running away from Yuzu trying to talk to her, too scared to let herself have romantic feelings after constantly messing everything up. To Yuzu’s telling her that she doesn't understand her, her chaos, how she desires her one second, then pushes her away, then gets all clingy and fragile. To Yuzu trying to jump the steps to catch up to Mei, and Mei having to break her fall for her. To the bear, Mei being too emotionally fragile to act on her feelings in that moment. To Yuzu telling her she wants a kiss from Mei. It's one of the most emotionally raw moments in media you can find.

Every bit of Yuzu's emotional intelligence and journey through her own emotions to understand what Mei wants, needs, to be with her is on display during this sequence. Having finally pinned Mei down in the gayest way possible, Yuzu starts by bringing up how she failed to think about Mei’s feelings on Christmas, and then goes on to say how realizes that when she struck Mei on the night of her fathers return she was wrong to fight with her- because as her lover she needs to be the one person Mei doesn't have to fight with. As an abuse survivor, Mei has been fighting nonstop for the last 5 plus years, and Yuzu must never be a source of violence like that.

Then she tells her she's in love with her, and that she’ll always need her. Mei didn't need to ask to find out if it was true, Yuzu was able to figure out that Mei was worrying about it with her raw emotional intelligence.

But nothing compares to how earnestly Yuzu confesses her love, and then closes her eyes to wait to see if Mei feels the same way by kissing her. Once she’s awaiting Mei’s answer, there is no fear in Yuzu as she does, she's found total peace. Before, Yuzu was afraid to be with Mei and have it not go well, to have it end with her getting her heart broken, and Mei could sense that fear.

But there's no fear now as she straddles Mei with her eyes closed, softening her face and lips and waiting to be kissed. If Mei rejects her, she’ll accept it with dignity. If Mei kisses her, that's ok too. Yuzu has let go of all of her expectations so Mei is free to choose without having to feel pressured about hurting Yuzu’s feelings if she feels she has to confirm Yuzu’s worst fears and reject her.

Yuzu's peacefulness allows Mei the chance to consider her answer without freaking out. A long time passes, and we see on Mei’s face that the answer is yes- she's in love with Yuzu, too. But she gets scared when she tries to reach for Yuzu to kiss her, love is too vulnerable. She looks for a way, all as Yuzu patiently waits, to tell her yes but that she needs to take it slow and not just dive in all at once.

So she uses her bear, the representation of her innermost self, that which Yuzu fixed for her, to kiss her. It's a really cute moment, and as Yuzu looks at Mei’s blushing shyness past the bear at her lips, she gets that Mei is saying yes while also asking for time. But, the answer is yes. Mei wants her, in the romantic way she wants her to, but is scared.

And Yuzu thinks that's okay. But Yuzu knows she deserves a kiss after all her hard work, so she reaches for Mei who is too shy to do it “Thanks, but I want one from you”. Yuzu kisses her with love and thanks and desire, and Mei kisses back with relief and desire but she's still scared and you can see the pain from that. But their kiss lasts a long time as Mei melts into it. It was okay for Yuzu to ask for what she wants here, Mei loved that kiss.

That fear is something Mei will work on now that she's with Yuzu. As they walk back to the station to meet Sarah, Yuzu looks satisfied and content with her world, while Mei looks anxious about the path ahead of her and learning to be with Yuzu romantically.

Conclusion

And that's all, right? Easy peasy…

Well no. Citrus isn't a complete story, and Mei's journey of becoming better has just begun. I'm not sure she's even gotten there in the manga, certainly not the anime. Which is ok.

But make no mistake that the author deliberately chose Mei as a character to tell a story about a traumatized person with PTSD getting a chance to be better, and Yuzu is the charming means to tell that story. She's the best bean, the most heartwarming and sweet character that wins all of our hearts over. She's genius level when it comes to reading other's emotions, and we should all be so lucky to know a Yuzu in our lives, but few will ever be so fortunate.

Think of how lucky every friend Yuzu has is to know her- Matsuri, Sara, Harumin, she makes everything better. Mei is just the most notable case of receiving Yuzu's love. And boy does she need it.

Mei has a ways to go yet, but I think one example of her being considerate of Yuzu's feelings is how she refuses to say she loves Yuzu back after Yuzu asks her to, instead saying that they're dating. You might be thinking that was a big letdown! Instead, think of how carefully Mei is treating their relationship.

Mei knows she loves Yuzu back but she's not going to say it if she can't be totally genuine when she's a mess of emotions at the moment. Sara telling her to hold Yuzu's hand was already a big step she felt, but I think she shows even greater maturity and growth with her immediate acceptance when Yuzu's ask that they kiss again, because it's my favorite kiss. The confession kiss was great but Mei is still afraid then, so it was a bit painful to watch. But when they kiss again, she's doing it with no fear, she's in the moment. They both relaxed and enjoyed it.

It's probably not that simple, Mei is still holding back in all their later interactions but she was able to kiss Yuzu like she was her girlfriend then without all the PTSD getting in the way. It's a big start in the right direction, and things will continue getting better.

In a lot of ways Mei is deep down a good person, I really think that, however she is a Japanese woman and that does make her flawed. She doesn't like big displays of affection and she doesn't like showing affection in public- which is very Japanese, and also very reasonable. But she does want to be in love and do that stuff with Yuzu. Luckily she shows that in their final moments together.

The school trip is over and it's back to school, and as she's walking with Yuzu, Yuzu asks to hold her hand. Which at first she rejects, because see above. Yet she thinks better of it and takes Yuzu's hand after all. Which is a huge display of public affection, she's announcing it to the whole school.

But as we're shown in those moments Mei looks strengthened by it. You can see on her face how hard her job is, every second is work as the heir and president of the school, yet Mei feels more steadfast doing it with Yuzu as her girlfriend. She knows she's stronger with Yuzu by her side, it's a subtle expression but it's there- Yuzu gives her strength, and she's ready to show that to the whole world.

Thanks for reading.

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I promise more to come on this lovely show, and as always, let me know if you have questions in the comments and the asks!

-EtheriaDearie

[Postscript]