#es1

Inti stared ahead blankly, not sure what they were seeing anymore.

That wasn’t them, that couldn’t be them, absolutely nothing felt right. This body — it wasn’t theirs, it hurt to see. Things faded around them, the corners of their vision growing blurry and faded. The room felt like a black hole, sucking them deeper into torment at what they felt. It was uncomfortably constant, seeing that sent an otherwise good day into pure hell.

They wanted nothing more than to shed this prison, it felt like a punishment for something that they couldn’t help. How could one’s body be so wrong, nothing felt right it all was too much to cope with—

“Inti?” That angelic voice rang through the clouds, pulling them from the desperate depths, giving them the air they needed to survive. Arantxa looked worried, prodding their side trying to get any sign of life.

They breathed in, trying to steady themselves. It wouldn’t take much to veer her off the questions Inti could feel coming. Sometimes they envied their partner, so carefree most of the time, happy with their body and not craving to change it to feel like themself.

“Who is this?” They spoke shakily, staring back into the mirror at the person before them. They couldn’t recognise them as hard as they looked. Nothing felt right. Everything was overwhelming, plunging, sinking deeper into this burning dread.

“It doesn’t feel like you?” Arantxa questioned softly, hands slowly moving to rub their back. Inti blinked back at her, trying to sort through her thoughts.

How did she always know exactly what the problem was? It was as if they lived the same experience. They definitely dealt with similar things, but the smaller blonde just seemed to know what was happening without the torture of trying to verbalise it.

Inti could only nod, letting themself fall into the supportive grip of the one they loved. In their arms, they felt like they were floating though now it was mixed with the torment of reality.

It always came back to this, the lingering pain of existence. The promise it would get better feeling fleeting the more they saw of this tainted world.

They had a light, someone to cling to. It hurt, but she was always there, ready to support and loving no matter how they felt. Sometimes Inti wondered how the world could create someone as pure as Arantxa, she rarely seemed phased by any of life’s challenges, going along with things as they came and always smiling, even at their worst moments.

They’d asked before, how she stayed so bright in the painful depths Inti walked. She just shrugged, claiming to just not take things seriously, enjoying who she was without more to it.

There was a pang of jealousy, that someone could look at themselves and just accept it, no flaws hurting them, just going along with how they are and not feel detached and pained by their physical form. But just as they envied the blonde, they valued her even more. Having a force so very full of love right beside you, it was magical. She was etherial to their pained eyes, a creature that someone blessed the world she lived in while deserving so much more than it was capable of giving her.

That was their motivation during the darkest of times, wanting to give her a fraction of what she deserved. Hold her gently and be the one to kiss her goodnight, it kept them hanging on.

  “I love you.” Her voice barely above a whisper, Arantxa ran a hand through Inti’s hair before pressing a kiss to their forehead.

They could only let out a small hum, though their angel could still comprehend it.

Arantxa let Inti stay in her arms as long as they needed, knowing how much it hurt to feel this way. No one deserved to suffer this way, it hurt their heart to see someone they treasured so deeply in such pain. She felt powerless against it sometimes but resolved to stay by their side, offering whatever she could to help her beloved partner just as they had helped her figure out the complexities of identity.

Inti moved their head, facing the mirror once again with a sullen expression.

“This doesn’t feel right, where do I even start?”

Arantxa looked thoughtful for a second before her eyes lit up, at the best of times that was a sign to be wary but she looked so sure of herself that Inti couldn’t help but follow her lead and she grabbed their hand and pulled them into their room.

She sat them on the bed, away from the view of any reflections, and rushed to open a drawer, pulling out something with an accomplished huff as she puffed her chest out.

“We can get rid of it for now, though don’t sleep with it on, we can figure something else out for tonight.” Arantxa handed the binder to Inti, helping them through the right arm straps to compress their chest.

“Make sure you pull them up, so you don’t damage your chest.” She chimed as they just about got the binder on, Inti nodded, glancing down at their chest with a pained look.

Arantxa slowly moved her hands, making her actions clear as day if they needed to be stopped. She tilted Inti’s head up, kissing them to distract from her readjusting their breasts into a safer position.

“Does this look better?” She asked, watching as inti looked over themselves in the mirror, eyes scanning every inch of their body for all minor details