#erwin thomas

"I fear that at some point something I do or don't do, share or choose not to share will activate in you a pain based on Romantic expectation or past injury. Then, it would be seen as natural to speak badly of me, grow jealous of my independence or angry at my boundaries (emotional, physical or other) demanding more of some ambiguous emotionally based ever changing need.  Blame me for being me or judge me because I don't fulfill your desires or expectations.  Then label me  rude for not wanting to play the bad guy in your drama. Slowly being to resent me though never brave enough to communicate it with words. Then i would again be labeled as inattentive, distant and or not present." 

I was a bit shocked at how fluidly my response came. In fact it was communicated with my thumbs through text. After getting over my own response time i had to recognized that I in fact was responding or at least voicing my previous pains. Telling on myself... The experiences of past relationships.. And as change is the only constant; my responsibility is to now forgive myself for holding on to these fears and let the images and expectations that come with them go. I must now trust that there are others in the ocean of life that will have the emotional maturity to allow me to be who I am and be able to communicate how be being me affects them without emotional finger pointing and insecure blame or a hunger to fix. I also recognized that the only way that this could have ever been a reality for me is because I too have been guilty of doing the same.  This too, i must forgive myself for.  Knowing that next time I will be able to recognized this behavior in myself and another without judgement and make a new choice. Today is a beautiful day perfect for house cleaning and meditation.  

I wasn't expecting the interpersonal on day 2 of the 31day blogging but it fits in the natural order of things.