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Here’s What Happened Monday

For those of you who don’t know, The Bachelor franchise does this cute little shtick called the Men Tell All where, in lieu of a real episode, they bring back all the season’s rejected contestants to rehash old grudges and remind people why they’re interesting before they all go on Bachelor In Paradise. Yawn.

Chris Harrison promises an unforgettable (but likely very forgettable) night of drama for which they considered beefing up security, but didn’t. To kick off said drama, we are treated with ten minutes of filler from past Men-Tell-All’s starring men I’ve never heard of nor cared about in my life.

After the commercial break we are reintroduced to Rachel’s former men again. There are a few new hairstyles (and hairplugs… Matt), but most things are the same. Diggy adjusts his bowtie, Whaboom guy does his thing, Blake is still sadly only an “aspiring” drummer, and Dean just sits there being young and beautiful.

DeMario, sad clown, guy accused of sexually assaulting a fellow castmate on Bachelor In Paradise, tries to regain his dignity by claiming that the girlfriend who got him eliminated from The Bachelorette was merely a sidechick. Classy. Some dude named Jamey accuses him of hurting oh so many people, a point lost while everyone thought, “who the hell is this guy?”

Kenny The Dad and Your Racist Uncle Lee

Of course we have to deal with the Lee/Kenny drama again, which we were all happy to leave in the past as this season’s major racism-for-kicks embarrassment. All the men take the side of good guy Kenny, except DeMario who defends his fellow villain.

After making Kenny out to be the best man and father ever (including a surprise appearance by his adorable daughter, who Kenny either knew was coming or was kidnapped and brought to set), Lee offers a shallow apology for being a douche. No one is having it though – not even Chris Harrison, who fans the flames by bringing up Lee’s old tweet comparing the NAACP to the KKK. Lee painstakingly acknowledges that his tweet (and maybe some of his behavior) was racist and apologizes. The other men accept and vow to try to rehabilitate his racist ass.

But seriously, the winners? Anthony, Josiah, Kenny, and all the guys who challenged systemic racism on national television. Slow clap.

Dean The Real Boy

Chris Harrison invites Dean onstage, strokes his velvet camo tux jacket, and mutters “everybody loves some Dean.” We get to watch the Dean highlight reel: the weird “once I go black I’ll never go back” line, the weird sandbox thing, the weird dad thing, his swift dumping. What a legacy.

Dean looks older to me, a little more comfortable in his skin, a little fuller in the face, a little stupider in the hair. He reveals that he’ll be on Bachelor In Paradise, which is great because he’ll finally be close in age to some of his fellow contestants. (Nick’s rejected 23-year-olds, I’m looking at you.)

Rachel comes out, Dean asks her why she told him she loved him before kicking him off, she says she did love him, he says “k”, they hug and then it’s blessedly over.

Lee Again, Seriously

Rachel says, “I’ve watched the tapes now so fuck you, Lee,” and then it’s blessedly over.

Adam, For Some Reason, So By Default Also Matt

Rachel tells America they didn’t get to see the good stuff with these two, but we still don’t care.

F*ckin FRED Oh My God What A Waste

Fred is still hurt (AS AM I) that Rachel couldn’t grow up and let him be the beautiful hunk of man that he is and was and always will be.

Bloopers

For me, this is easily the most interesting part of the show, for it gives us a tiny glimpse into the untouched world behind the scenes of The Bachelorette. Things break. People fall. Dean sticks a nasty wad of gum behind his ear for his confessional, full-on Violet Beauregarde style. Dead Eric looks even more corpsely as the fake light taped to the ceiling above him falls. It is all so eadearingly real, which all the more reminds us that it’s all so unsettlingly fake.

Next Week

Next week we finally get to see the finale. Will Rachel pick the sleaze, the noncommit, or the dead man?