There is something satisfying about the fact that this is now 3 days in a row, not only that, but earlier than 4 am! I guess that should be expected when I really did have a simple yet relaxing day..
I definitely wasnât in my head as much. Probably because even though I did basically just stay at home, I wasnât lazy. I fed myself right, I cleaned up, I applied for jobs lol.
There is something comforting about doing all my mental work during the late hours however. Even though I donât have a job and that should give me plenty to stress about.. What really should I stress about, just utilize the sudden constant time off I have and do some good for myself.
Key thing being. Finding who I am, really. Again.
Itâs frustrating to think that I actually was on the right track a couple years ago.. I was so close to unlocking my magic but then I had to get all caught up in a silly relationship⌠And then another.. And then actually another. Thank god I have been able to break that pattern. I honestly wouldnât mind not being in a relationship with anyone but myself probably until maybe 24? 25? Thatâs like another year or two. I think I could do that.
But I actually would have to use that time wisely. Not waste it away.
Victory for today since we are going in that direction. I didnât have one drink today, and there was plenty to go around haha. I said no to PIZZA and got a healthy dose of trout, sweet potatoes, and Brussels sprouts. Haha. Itâs the little things right?
I donât know, itâs just so crazy to think that I used to be some sort of âhealth guruâ honestly I would say snob. I was pretty snobby back then. I regret nothing though, I learned a shit ton. Life is all about just being humble in your approach, and I didnât have that back then lol.
Man, life. Thatâs a philosophical road I am not sure I wanna venture down right now. I donât know if itâs cause Iâm not high enough. Maybe itâs because my music isnât really getting me there mentally.
But if I get down right to what I have been thinking about today, and I usually am thinking about something.
Why do we, as humans, allow ourselves to put up with so much fucking pain⌠for here is the kicker.. personal gain of some sort. I just donât understand. I have been around, my entire life, a toxic pairing of individuals that repeatedly have torn one another down to the point that could you even call it a relationship? Or more just dwelling in the same space to reach a goal of âdebt free firstâ. On top of that, I have really no relationship with my dad even though I on the inside cry for it. I barely keep in touch with my family members, and when I say barely I mean when Iâm caught in a room and FaceTime is on. I am so unconsciously afraid of getting close to people, probably because I have seen and experienced a lack of feeling like I can count on anyone. I think a lot of that put into a cocktail really shaped me into a poster child of fucked up interaction skills. I feel alone, and usually that bothers the fuck out of me. And yet I would never cry out about it. Right now however, the bothersome heart break I usually feel for really being in this on my own, isnât hurting me right now. Instead I am trying to be open to healing myself. In all ways. So I can then heal my current reality and shape it the way I want to. Live the way I authentically should.
I dream of being bilingual. Knowing different languages so I can interact with others in the most authentic way. The most beautiful way. But something keeps me from picking up a book or hell, downloading an app and using it.
I dream of being behind a camera just as much as in front of. But something keeps me from stopping my impulsive buying of nonsense. (Up until recently of course)
I dream of actually knowing what it takes to create music! To play the piano. The guitar. To record it all.. Ugh if there is one thing on this planet I yearn for itâs to be apart of the creation of music. The music that blasts in my head and yet I have no current ability to bring it out. Its frustrating right? To not be able to do that? Shouldnât that be enough to change the game and actually give a damn about my own dreams. Instead of fear. Instead of running away and closing myself off from what really makes my soul shine.
The only way I shall make it mine is if I actually make the attempt to acquire it.
So stop being a pussy. Youâre better than this.
Proud of you. Keep going.
â to whoever does read these. I appreciate your audience with the battle of my inner demons clashing with my soul magic.. Typing it all out seems to be helping, and I am starting to enjoy it. Even if itâs just nonsense to you. I appreciate you.
