#tddmydiary

— from thedauntlessdiaries / muladapithapon ♡︎

Wala akong ibang hinihiling kung hindi wag na bumalik sa dati. Iiyak muna bago ipikit ang mga mata. Dahil sobrang sakit. Walang kapayapaan kahit sa pagtulog at panaginip. Natatakot ako. Nandito nanaman sila. Mga bumubulong sa tenga at utak kong, "tapusin mo na". Sana lahat ng to'y mawala na. Masakit na pagsubok, pag-iyak sa gabi, parang awa, wakasan na.

I’m even more mad. It rained hard this evening. I am frustrated and sad, but why did the sky cry with me? Don’t cry with me. Don’t pity me.

Hi. I'm writing this in 2024. Can't believe time flew by so fast. It's been three years since I last wrote here, three years back when I was drowning and broken, and reading my posts makes my heart wreck a little. From being burned out, anxious, and suffocated in fear — I can now rest without crying myself to sleep. No more wet pillows and swollen eyes. Although sometimes, I can feel a bit lost. But I can say it's far from what I felt before. And I guess that's because I'm a human with emotions after all. Maybe time heals, or perhaps it lets you forget the horrible moments you go through. To 2021 me: who fears not being able to move forward. Trust me and hold my hand because I'll say it gets better. Maybe not a lot. But it still gets better. For the past three years, a lot of things happened. I explored more in my career last 2023 and took a huge leap. Unfortunately, my first job took a toll on my mental health. Had to leave early because I was afraid It'll get me back to where I was before I got my courage back. And fears that it'll get worse. Got my feet back again at the start of 2024. Second job and I felt happy. Working there until the present. It wasn't as perfect as I was hoping for, but I can say I was learning and boundaries are there — two most important things I was looking for. Besides these, I stepped out of my comfort zone — I got to attend events and concerts of my favorite artists for the past 2 years. Also had the opportunity to make my skin better and got the visual courage back again. Lately, I also started writing poems again but not about the hardships of my life but about the people who I liked. :) It was definitely a roller coaster ride. 2021 me, hang in there. 2024 has lots more challenges for you but now, you're able to handle it (kinda) well. And I think that's better.

This new year's day, I felt kinda motivated yet unsure of the things I'm about to face. And probably less afraid than last year. I think I became so tired of isolating myself and running away from the things I feared and even from the people around me. I felt like this year is the time I try to get out of my comfort zone so that I won't live in a life with regrets. I really hope I can bring these words and feeling of being motivated until the end of the year. I'm hoping I can get through this year again, but this time with God and the people who loves me. This year, I'll try to be less apologetic to the things not apologizing for and to be a bit more kinder to the people around me. I also hope I can finally face the things I feared (the things that crumple me down and cry just after hearing about it) with confidence and motivation, not only because of the pressure but also because of the eagerness to achieve my goals in life (slowly) and to learn how to grow and move forward from a phase in my life to another.

Napapagod na’ko. I thought it’s getting better.

—written: Nov. 2, 2019 9:48 am | thedauntlessdiaries

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