#entry 41

Entry #41

(DSMP x Marble Hornets au)

Don't mind the mysterious figure in the mask, he's just here to return your camera 🤫

There's more where this came from 👀

Day 118, and I’m 21 feet tall now. I got one of my new servants to measure me, she’s so helpful. But she’s a little hard to see, since she’s not even up to my knee anymore. I really have to watch out where I walk.

I want to run away. At my █’s I feel pathetic. At my █’s I feel suffocated. I can’t yet. I have things to do. It would jeopardize everything if I gave up this early. Trust that everything works out in the end. It always does. Trust me. We can do this. It’s all just building character that you don’t even have. You’ve never had real character

you’ve always had to make a fake character

Why can’t you just be real for once

These thoughts are fake you’re just doing this for the audience that MIGHT see it when you die*

What’s your problem????

...

I’m a little out of sorts, I guess.

(OC: Date [17-08-] Day[Wednesday])

Dear diary… .

Today has been a strange day. It started out with the suicide of the demon hunter Varo’edis to bring back Zulago. Now as much as I am happy to see Zulago back, I am still yet to understand the hunters reasons for ending his own life for Zulago. Taryane really cares for the hunter. It is the first time I have seen her cry. I then found out that Sylvarys had died also to bring back Zulago.

Sylvarys…

I failed to protect him. But he didn’t want protecting. He is probably happy that he can die knowing it will accomplish something. But I still couldn’t hold back the anger. I never even had the chance to try and see if I could change his mind. I was so angry that I needed to vent it out so I did. I went and found a target and just hit it as hard as I could to try satisfy this anger inside left by the legion. I didn’t want him to die. But I will take solace in knowing it’s what he wanted.  

I was then approached by the champion Thael’rin. He asked me to guard Taryane with my life and that he has new gear for me. I am grateful but at the time I was also worried about his health and for good reason. He is dying.

I worried for Taryane at this moment realizing how much this war is starting to cost her. She has already seen two of her friends die and her teacher will soon to be joining them. I have already lost so much to a war that threatens our people. I will do what I can to ensure that she does not share a similar fate to me. I will need to speak to her and see if she is ok when I can. I also need to ask if she knows anyone who can help me find my father. At these times I fear he might come into some issues if he tries to return. That and we have moved base. There are constant attacks and I would wish he avoided coming when he said he would just so he can be safe. I know he can defend himself but I would hate to see him come into harm for me. He will be all that I have once I try to help him.

I write this just after another attack on the gates. The legion will not rest or stop. I kept my word and kept an eye on Taryane during the fight. She made it back safe… I should go speak to her. I can always finish this and write how my conversation with her went once it is over.

Today we had a short Design Lab class about how to build our prototype (a demo of our final solution). Before we built our prototype, we had to finalize our solution first! We firmly decided to use mothers as a gateway to reach the entire community by creating a network among pregnant women in the community that acts as a source of information and resources of healthcare access. We decided to name our project the Merry Mobile Mamas (MMM). According to our project, a volunteer health worker from each community has to be recruited first. Then, the health workers can go to their communities and recruit pregnant women to be a part of MMM. Each month, a pregnant woman in each community would be appointed (or volunteered) to be the leader of the MMM in that community, who we named the “Big Mama” (to give them a sense of responsibility and involvement). The location of the meeting will then be located at Big Mamas’ houses. Signs with dates, times and locations of the meetings must be clearly labelled and visible to the whole communities. We also came up with an idea of putting MMM flags at the meeting locations. The health workers would be facilitating Big Mamas in coming up with events and activities that keep ‘health’ a casual topics in their conversations, up until the Big Mamas get the hang of how to manage MMM on their own. Then, the health workers only need to come back and check up on them once a month. The health workers can also come each month to hold workshops that educate MMM members (and anyone in the communities who are interested) on healthcare access and health related topics such as vaccination and disease prevention. Since pregnant women that we talked to were mostly unemployed and were usually free, we hoped that this project would increase their socialization opportunity and help them gain knowledge about healthcare access.

Okay, sooo... First up, do you know what the worst feeling ever is? That point where you're falling asleep with your eyes closed but not quite there... While watching a subbed anime. Because my god that sucks and nope not doing it.

Anyhoo, I went to a pool party and such today. That was fun. Never been a strong swimmer, but then again, who in the Theatre department is?

But... I've been doing some thinking. I think... I may very well have a bit of attraction to someone. Not gonna say who, because there's like one person who follows me who would know who it is. And, like with all crushes, this is probably just gonna fizzle out or something (maybe I hope not honestly then again that's the crush talking). Now, this on its own raises quite a few questions. Why is it that I'm just so over my past attraction which, and I hate to dig up old posts, brought me to an all time low point in my psyche? That was just over a month ago, and hearing how I went on and on about it, I just think I'm getting over the whole fiasco really quickly. Which in turn leads me to my next conclusion, something I've been pondering for quite a while: I'm kinda... How to put this... I get over things really quickly, and I'm also apathetic in a way... I guess I just have short bursts of feelings followed by apathy.

For example, I'll feel bad when I see ads for charities and such, or a sad story on my dash. But I get over it quickly, feel no need to mention it again past that, and move on. By quickly, I'm talking within 5 seconds.

This begs the question: How did I get this way? Was I born with a specific mindset? Or is there some deep-rooted psychological thing causing this?