#entry 002

i've been attempting "awake methods" (which i say very loosely because i don't really use traditional methods for the most part, just counting and visualizing mostly and obviously intention) recently, which i never really did before. still searching for that breakthrough from that ace of swords. i'll be honest though, it's a little bit frustrating. i'm the first to admit i'm a sleepy gal but it feels like i am always falling asleep in the middle of my method. of course, intention is there, falling asleep isn't necessarily the end of the world, but it does feel like i'm messing it up. which i can admit is maybe part of the problem.

Artificial Leviathan. What an atrocity. The documents go into quite the detail on how they are made and most of them make me sick.

It's true, I do not feel about Leviathans as strongly as I used to, but the thought of hunting them like simple animals is revolting. And that's only the beginning.

I have been slow in parsing out the reports. Some are too graphic and I am able to read them only in small portions before needing to take a break, to go breathe the salt filled air out on the deck. I thought growing up surrounded by the darkness of the Undersea would prepare me. But for all the brutality of that world, it is not very complicated.

Kill or be killed. Eat or be eaten. Dark waters are dangerous and you should not go in them alone. Or at all, when you're but a child. Don't get too close to the warmth of the vents lest you get burned. Listen to your parents, to your elders and you will be alright.

This brutality is simple, it is nature. These reports, however...

It's a very human cruelty. Or, well. A humanoid one. A cruelty of the one who comprehends the pain of others and yet chooses to deal it anyway. The purpose of it does not really matter to it's victims.

The Navy, the Elders. They're really are the same.

    It was pretty late by the time we got done talking to Bianca, so I’ll be officially leaving on my pokémon journey tomorrow. But before I went home, I asked Bianca for a huge favor — for her to teach me how to catch a pokémon.

    The idea of throwing a pokéball is still a bit knee-jerking after so many years of thinking that is wrong, but I’m gonna have to get over it if I’m going to get anywhere on my journey. Thankfully, Bianca was super patient and understanding and didn’t mind teaching me the basics. After she caught a Patrat with her Lillipup’s help, it was finally my turn to give it a shot. When I hopped into the tall grass on my own, the first pokémon I ran into was a sleepy-looking Purrloin.

    Clover was awesome, wrapping her vines around it so it couldn’t escape or fight back. I was a nervous wreck when I threw that first pokéball but I still managed to hit it! 

Route 19 Capture!

    Dusk turned out to be a big softie. He’s constantly purring and begging for attention, rubbing up against mom’s legs and bodily throwing himself belly-up in front of me so I’ll give him pets. When he’s not being needy, he tends to often doze off. I found him curled up on my bed when I decided to turn in for the night. What a cutie!

Nobody wants me to get it on more than my therapist.

I’m dead serious. She asks me about my tinder and bumble usage every time I visit, and always seems disappointed when I tell her the truth- I did do a little hyper-swiping in a moment of hormonal weakness this week, but for the most part I stay off of the apps. I can never tell her why, though. I literally can’t, because I’m not sure why myself.

I tell myself sometimes that it’s because I’m busy. I have too much going on with school and clubs and my soon to be business to even think about dating. Sometimes my excuse is inconvenience- who wants to form a connection with someone 20 miles away when there could be someone just 1 or 2- who you haven’t found yet? When I’m really deep in meta cognitive mode, I tell myself that it’s because my body dysmorphia and anxiety that refuse to let a complete stranger judge my fuckability. But I think it might just be the depression.

I have desires, sexual and romantic. I just lack the motivation to act on them. I’ve only ever been in one relationship before- in high school- and I stayed in it for 6 months even after I realized I didn’t really like the guy because I wanted to still have a Relationship. For me then it was like checking off a box. To be honest, that might be another excuse- I don’t want to settle just to have a Relationship with someone I don’t love, but I also don’t think anyone will really love me like that. That part of myself has been closed off, like an amputated limb, and sometimes I can still feel the echoes.