#engineerdaedalus

That is, except for Theo, who doesn’t stop speaking despite hearing the question. He’s got a wide grin, almost taunting. “Really, it’s your own fuckin’ fault that you don’t hide shit you care about! If you don’t fuckin’ want me to hold stuff ransom, don’t piss me off.”

Orph’s eye twitches, and he grips his knife tighter. “You started it, you absolute asshole, you were the one who swapped all my pictures with clown paintings!”

Theo grins even more. “Dunno, sounds like your fuckin’ taste, though?”

Lee grabs a roll off the table and throws one at their hands with a surprising amount of both speed and accuracy. “Stop it,” he says, glaring at his eldest brother with enough heat that it leaves no doubt that he’s been on the receiving end of Theo’s needling.

With no small amount of relief, Day accepts the lifeline of this question. “Christmas, New Year’s, birthdays, April Fool’s day, father’s day, every day that passes where Theo hasn’t managed to get his brothers to revolt against him.”

There’s a loud bark of laughter from the eldest son in question. “‘Cause they know I’d kick their asses!”

Day’s eyebrows shoot up. “I hope you know I’m going to bring this up later, after they wreck you.” He ignores the offended squawk and continues, “My favorite is Christmas. I get to make or find things for everyone, I get a week of none of them pranking each other, and I get to inflict the rest of the server with quote-unquote thoughtful presents. Lucid’s sweater remains my crowning achievement.”

“It’s a migraine given physical form,” Perce says. “I’m still impressed by it. I didn’t realize you could see nausea. I’m almost positive it’s got some kind of admin bullshit done to it–”

“That would be cheating,” Day tells him. He looks more than a little smug. “What’s life without a little challenge? Besides, if it was admin bullshit, he could just undo it. He can’t even get rid of it because it’s too warm and comfy. I know exactly what textures are best for him, and I know he’s more willing to wear it out of spite. Thus, I inflict suffering on more people. A gift that keeps on giving.”

“I really feel like people don’t give him enough credit for being a chaotic bastard,” Dee mutters under his breath. “They forget we learned it from somewhere,” Orph agrees.

Day grins. “You’re all just feral gremlins by nature. Sure, I might have…nurtured a little–” “You kept telling dad jokes and bad puns until we banded together to stab you so you’d stop! That’s not a little nurture,” Atlas argues.

There’s a little hum of disagreement from Perce. “I mean…I didn’t grow up with him, so it’s not just that?” 

His eldest brother tells him, flatly, “Perseus, you got fuckin’ Monopoly banned because you decided to keep one-upping how much a fuckin’ bastard you were.”

Perce stares at his eldest brother for a long moment, head tilting to the side like he’s deciding something.

The youngest sighs and scoots his plate closer to himself in what seems like resignation.

“I’m the one who rigged everyone’s bedrooms with motion-activated frog recordings. I also made it so I could shut it off specifically to fuck with Dee.”

The entire table is perfectly still for a single heartbeat.

And then chaos erupts; Dee lunges, Theo withdraws a set of throwing knives, Orph pulls out his crossbow, and Atlas shoots forward with his hands outstretched.

Perce laughs, tossing himself backwards and telling them tauntingly, “Too slow!”

As he nimbly darts away, his older brothers all speed after him.

At the table, Day hums to himself. “...Yeah, I probably brought that on myself. At least it wasn’t Theo this time.”

There’s a gleam in Lee’s eye that he suspects bodes badly for Perce’s health and/or sanity in the future. “You still can’t use the Swords and Shields punitively. I’ll ground you for a month.”

“It would be worth it,” Lee tells him. The gravity in his voice is definitely worrying. Day replies, “Two months, then. Use your power responsibly. It’s a bad precedent to set and one that would upset others. Do you really want to scare new people because there’s a ten year old with an army who uses it for petty revenge?”

His youngest sighs with visible reluctance. “Fineee. I’ll just– poison his food, or something.” “Only if it’s not lethal.”

Lee glares at him and says, outraged, “The others can just stab him!” “A hazard he’s aware of. Do you really want to make your brother afraid of food? And of you?”

Theo, Perce, and Lee are once again in the arena, though they’re joined by three of the Council members–Aster, Aleph, and Khons.

Lee sits attentively in the stands with Khons and Perce, attention zeroed in on the other three. They're having some sort of three-way spar and it's...fast. Very, very fast; so fast it's easy to miss the identical, feral grins that Theo and Aster have. Aleph doesn't seem as blatantly enthused, nor quite as speedy, but seems to be enjoying himself and holding his own just fine.

Especially when Theo falters for a fraction of a second and gets a sword through his chest for it.

Almost immediately he starts shouting, darting back into the arena from the respawn room. "That didn't fuckin' count! Interference!" The other two disengage, glance at each other, and then over to Theo. "...Are you sure you aren't just being a sore loser? There wasn't anything that I saw," The piglin hybrid's mostly monotone voice carries a bit of amusement, even if he knows damn well what's going on. All of the Council members do, actually.

Observers are present and almost certainly have asked something.

Theo scowls at him. "Fuckin' question popped up! S' still weird as shit!"

Aster, still catching his breath, squints at him. "...How is it any different from the Fates? Isn't it just one more voice?" The warrior rolls his eyes, flopping down near his brothers in the stands. "No, n’ it's hard to explain why it's not the same," he grumbles, “It just is.” Aleph and Aster both take seats nearby, since there wasn't much point in continuing without him. They had plenty of time to spar just the two of them.

Perce speaks up from his place next to Khons. "As funny as it would be if Theo was just making excuses for fucking up," he says, ignoring the indignant squawk from said brother, "I got it, too. I'm sort of surprised, though–and a little confused about how much they all know. Theo and Dad are the ones in the family who travel a lot--the rest of us only occasionally go elsewhere. For me, it's less of a 'kind' and more a specific one. I like visiting my original world. It's nice meeting up with my friends and seeing how things have been. I don’t regret moving here, but...I still miss them sometimes."

Lee grins, elbowing him. "I was too adorable to not move here for, right?" Perce laughs, reaching over to ruffle his younger brother's hair. "Of course. You'll only be tiny for so long. Plus I thought it would be good to give the rest of them more space. I'm not even the admin any more--and before I get asked, I was...different, from how Dad and Dream Prime. I just kept things running smoothly, no world-talking or link to it like they have. Had, in Dad’s case. From what everyone back on my original world has told me, Tommy, Tubbo, and Ranboo are doing a great job. I figured they would–wouldn’t have given them control otherwise– but…it’s still nice to be proven right."

There's a grin from the eldest brother at that. He extends a fist towards Aster as he says, "Tommys are just fuckin' pog like that." The Sword bumps his fist back, smiling a little. "We're pretty capable, given the right motivation."

"Best world is Opinionated Ranboo's. Cookie Dream n’ the rest of the cookie team are awesome! Even Ranboo is funny, if a little...likely to give me a headache. The cookies are worth it though! Nothing beats getting one right out of the oven," Lee declares, earning a few smiles. "Capitalist Tommy is another very pog one of us,” Theo comments, “Pretty fuckin’ sure we’d end up signing our souls over if he, Tommy Prime, n’ Caper ever went into business together. We’re just real fuckin’ lucky that Capitalist Tommy is more focused on his own world.”

Khons adds mildly, “And that Caper is more focused on the Prank Guild. Most Tommys are…pretty scary, when they want to be.” Really, though, Khons had his own opinion of who the most terrifying Tommy was. It took a special kind of person to quietly create an entire organization with a secret council at the helm, hide all evidence of said council’s existence from someone who could be shown anything that happened in the world and seamlessly lie to countless people for three years. It took an even more special person to do that for the defense of an admittedly already very safe child, and to then thrive on the deception.

There were a lot of things about Daz that were baffling. Most of them tied back to whatever the hell his original world had been like. A lot of the details of that were withheld even from the other Council members. Though, to be fair, the rest of them weren't exactly open books about their own first worlds either.

“And you, Theo? Favorite kind of world?” It only takes a few moments after Perce looks to his eldest brother before the answer comes. “Probably peaceful-weird ones. Y’know, where shit’s fuckin’ strange but there’s not any real danger. Or, if there is, s’ more like we need to bring people back ‘cause the world is fucked, but not in an insta-death way. More like, uh…there was one with fuckin’--Dream on a little island, n’ the world had flooded, right? But he refused to go unless his friend–fuckin’ merman Quackity, which was wild for a few fuckin’ reasons–could go with him. S’ you might be able to guess, was sorta hard to bring a person who doesn’t have legs n’ can’t breathe air through a portal with us!”

Perce’s eyes narrow slightly. “...Wasn’t that the one where Vio reverse engineered a water breathing potion out of spite? Even though he has basically a magic allergy?” Theo laughs cheerfully, “Yeah! Fucker scared the shit out of the two we were fuckin’ there to help, ‘cause he flat out didn’t sleep for about four days. Dream asked at one point what was up with him, and Dad fuckin’ said that Vio has a personal grudge against water. Fucker then shouted back that water had a personal grudge against him, n’ I think I laughed so hard I blacked out for a few seconds.”

“Sounds about right,” Aleph says, smiling faintly. “He was…interesting. In the world Moons and I came from, he decided to leave a message for the group we were running from that time.” Khons has stilled, an uneasy expression on his face. Aleph carefully leans against him ever so slightly, a gentle reminder of his presence. Theo watches them for a moment, then says helpfully, “So, yeah–that kind of place. Or just…ones without all the real fucked up shit. I’m real fuckin’ sick of finding another fuckin’ Protege Tommy world. No offense, Aster, but–”

A shrug meets the apology. Aster says mildly, “None taken. It’s depressing to see how common they are, anyway. Granted, a lot of them do end up in the Swords and Shields because…well. Lee is a sweet kid and one of the least threatening Dreams we have.” He looks at the kid in question, whose smile falters a bit. “...Would be nice if nobody was hurt at all, but…if they end up here, bad stuff happened to them or their world. I didn’t really…deal with any of that. Or, at least–I don’t remember it. I’ve gotten a lot of kindness from everyone here. It’s sort of…the least I can do, to try to make the really messed up people feel a little safer.”

One hand goes to touch the brooch worn over his heart. “...I just want everyone to be safe and happy. They deserve that much.” The quiet words linger for only a moment, and then he feels a hand settle gently on his head. When he looks up, Aster is smiling softly at him. “You’ve got a big heart. It’s what made all of us decide to stick by your side–we don’t want you to stop being that kind.”

The sheer weight of that draws a tiny frown from Lee. “I know, I know. It’s…” he trails off, struggling to put the feeling into words. After a few moments Khons gently offers, “It feels like you’re being given too much, right? Like you haven’t done enough to earn that sort of loyalty?” Lee nods a little. “Mhm. That’s how we all felt, you know. What had we done, to make us worthy of being taken back here? What had we done, to merit the kindness and empathy we’d been given? What made it okay for us to finally be safe?”

The rhetorical questions make Lee look a little offended. Feathers puffing in outrage, he protests, “Nobody has to earn–” “We know that, now. But at first…it’s hard to believe that. It’s easier to accept flower crowns and scrawled drawings and disarmingly sweet compliments from a little kid than it is to believe that the world really is safe. ‘Leph and I would probably never have gotten as involved in things if you hadn’t opened that door. It might not have been your intention to start anything bigger…but you did. We’re glad for it.”

Aleph inclines his head a little. “All of the Swords and Shields are behind you because of that. You didn’t say anything about Khons’ wool or my fur–you just said that his eyes are kind and that I looked like a good friend. It’s still not what we’re used to; a lot of new people will make comments about what we look like.”

Silence falls over them for a few moments, Lee clearly considering all of it. “...Okay,” he says with quiet reluctance. “Baby brother, just accept that you’re pog. S’ just a fact. Can’t turn the sky green or the fuckin’ grass blue, can’t change that you’re the best tiny brother I’ve ever had. None of the others fuckin’ compare,” Theo declares. Perce rolls his eyes, and elbows his elder brother. “Don’t rank us; I’ll tell Dad.” “Don’t be a sore loser, Perce. I can still kick your ass,” Theo retorts.

Perce grins at him, a toothiness to it that spoke of mischief and the innate competitive drive he had. “That really depends on what we’re going against each other in, but sure. Tell yourself you’re the best–if you say it enough times it might become true.” There’s a scoff from the elder brother, who ruffles his wings a little. “I can come out on top in anything–” “Manhunts, trivia nights, ability to keep my fucking mouth shut for more than five seconds–” “Fuck you! I could beat you if I wanted to–”

It quickly devolves into petty bickering, though there’s still that ever-present affectionate edge to it. Then Lee jumps into the verbal fray, which drags the two Swords and the Shield with him, and…it’s unlikely that the sparring will resume any time soon.

=================

Over in the flower fields next to Summer Hills, the second eldest of the family barely has to stop and think about the question. “Best worlds to visit are any of the peaceful ones with big societies and a lot of advanced tech. New things to take apart, new media, new internet to dive into. There’s always something unique in those worlds and I fucking love them.”

The two with him–Raine and Tubbo Prime–both stare at him. The other Tubbo looks confused. “Uh…Dee, who are you…oh.” He stops, realization dawning. “Did you get another question?” “Mm. Wanted to know the family’s favorite kind of world to visit,” Dee says, idly watching as bees float by them.

“...The whole…question thing unsettles me,” Raine admits quietly. “Yeah, shit’s weird. It’s just one more to add to the pile, though, and we can’t do much about it. Better to answer than be stubborn and piss whatever or whoever is asking off, right? Unless they’re assholes. In which case, I’ll meet that assholery in spades.”

Tubbo Prime grins a little. “Oh, definitely. Vee was pretty annoyed about the first few–last time I saw him go all eye twitchy like that was when he heard the names of Boo’s picks. Which was fair, because he’s been stabbed for those.” Raine’s expression turns deadpan. “His axe is bad, too. Not as bad as some of the other names I’ve heard, but…” “It’s okay,” Dee says earnestly, though with a mischievous grin. Putting a hand on his shoulder he continues, “This is a safe place. You can tell us how terrible Dream Prime’s equipment names are. We understand. We feel your pain.”

The three of them all crack up, Raine being the first to break. He wheezes out, “I still can’t believe he went from naming everything Nightmare to–whatever the fuck his current ones are–” Dee scowls, gesturing with his hands as he talks. “Dad knows what they mean. He refuses to explain beyond saying that they’re melodramatic and dumb as hell. I keep trying to get him to fucking crack, but…he’s him. So, you know, he’s a stubborn asshole who refuses to let me have any fun–”

Tubbo Prime shakes his head sympathetically. “Truly, he’s the head of the Fun Police.” “Yeah, but he’s pretty alright. And…a little scary,” Raine says as he lays back against the grass. “Oh yeah, no, you didn’t see him fight a fucking god with Theo, Techno, and Vee. He’s weird, but good weird. Like everyone else from that world!”

Dee makes a face. “No, there were assholes. There were a lot of assholes, actually. Hell, Vio used to be one of them. Still is, a little bit! I could start listing them off, but that’s fucking depressing. I’d rather watch the bees.” “Bees are superior to most things,” Tubbo Prime agrees, watching two of them drift by.

=================

Day sighs softly at the sound of a question. He’s in his living room with both Atlas and Orpheus, all three involved in their own projects. Day is in a chair and knitting a sweater in dark green, white, and light blue yarn. Atlas is positioned sideways on the couch with some sort of odd-looking board that he’s deftly knotting thin wire and beads onto in a complex pattern. Orpheus is…well. He’s got a ton of papers with notes and music on them spread out across the floor, his com propped up off to one side, a guitar halfway in his lap, and is chewing on a pencil.

“You two get that one, too?” “Yup,” Atlas says, not looking up from his project. Orph makes a noise of distracted agreement, eyes narrowed as he stares down at one of the pieces of paper like it personally offended him.

“Any of them I can go see musicals in,” Orph mutters after a moment. Atlas nods in agreement. “Yeah, those ones usually have good stuff for jewelry. It’s a pain to put away our wings, but worth it to just…go have a day of fun.”

“I keep getting mistaken for their brother. It’s funny,” Day cheerfully adds. Orpheus makes a face, finally looking up at him. “You get smug about it. It’s not their fault immortality isn’t a thing for most people–” “He gets so smug,” Atlas groans, glaring at their dad.

Day is entirely unrepentant. “Yes, well…it’s still very funny.” Orph points his pencil at him. “Hypocrite!” “Mmm, special Dad privileges. I’ve earned being a chaotic asshole from time to time,” Day says with a little shrug.

Orph starts intoning, “Every day spent here is a nightmare–” “No, that’s an axe. And a set of armor. And a sword–” Day’s interruption makes his son make an infuriated noise and hiss, “You know what I meant!”

That only makes Day raise his eyebrows slightly. “Of course I did. I also know that you’re a terrible gremlin child and deserve every single terrible dad joke I make. All of you do. I’m getting belated revenge for the raccoons, Orpheus.” Day shifts his attention to Atlas, who laughs nervously. “So, uh–your favorite kind of world, Dad?”

Day shrugs. “Anywhere that’s peaceful. It’s nice to not have to immediately deal with some horrible, nightmarish crisis involving pain, suffering, and death. The solution in those cases is usually more death. Or making everyone talk. Either way, I don’t like those. Ones that are just…silly, or lighthearted, or just generally aren’t deeply depressing. Or…hurt my head. We’ve had a few of those.”

“...Wilbur being married to XD was weird to hear about,” Atlas says, and all three of them make similar faces. Orpheus’s voice is slightly higher pitched as he rants, “How do you think it felt for me?! I had to hear about an alternate self that was married to a god who my Dad created here!”

“I had to meet a version of someone I fought a war against and another of whom is my son who married a god that is, for me, little more than an admin program I created. I had to have a little scream into a pillow after that one, because it was so baffling. We didn’t even do anything; we were just there to see it existed!” Day’s voice goes from oddly flat to somewhat frustrated as he speaks. He takes a moment to set his knitting down and stare blankly up at the ceiling. “I feel like the butt of a cosmic joke sometimes.”

Lee twists around to point threateningly at his eldest brother. "I know where you sleep and the Fates love me."

A slightly sour look flashes in Perce’s eyes for just a moment. His insecurities might have gotten quieter, but they were still there.

"And the Fates love clowning on Theo. He deserves it, though," Aster comments.

He’s a little annoyed that this is when the Observers have opted to manifest. One night, one, where he can just be a normal person instead of dealing with whatever new form of weird bullshit has decided to crop up. Surely that’s not too much to ask?

And yet here he is, faced with the uncomfortable reminder that he’s keeping the sort of secret that could destroy the server if it were known.

The indignant squawk from Theo makes most of the group laugh.

"I'll play anything that has a good story, an excellent soundtrack, and a good game play loop," Orph answers. "We do not speak of the twisted blights that are rhythm games.”

“He’s salty he always gets the lowest score. L, imagine having no rhythm,” Atlas chimes in. Immediately, Orph lunges at him with clear intent to main and/or murder. “THE SCORING SYSTEMS ARE FUCKING BULLSHIT–”

In a motion that should probably be less familiar-seeming than it is, Theo hooks an arm around Orph’s waist and stops him from completing that lunge. “Let Attie answer the fuckin’ question before you try to stab him.” The Wilbur variant gives a shriek of displeasure, which just makes those with good hearing wince.

Rather than let him continue with that, Dee slaps a hand over his mouth. He warns, “Lick me and the next time you wake up, it’ll be to a warden in your face.”

Orph narrows his eyes, clearly trying to determine if the risk is worth it.

Instead of making further threats, Dee says, “Strategy games, especially ones with deep mechanics, are the most valid games.” 

Perce grins at him and asks, “At least until I beat you, right?” “Those are the result of game balance issues. If you can beat me in your first three games, it’s broken.” “Or you’re just bad. And a sore loser. And pissed I can exploit mechanics you overlooked.”

Dee glares at him. “I know where you sleep, little brother.”

The grin gets wider and toothier. “I know where you sleep, and have a backlog of prank ideas I’m happy to pull out–” “Menace,” Dee mutters, though his annoyance seems like a bit. Perce retorts, “Fun police.”

Righteous indignation twists Dee’s expression. “You take that back–”

“Oh my fuckin’ Prime you’re all like coked up ferrets,” Theo says, disgruntled, as he shoves a wing in between them to break their line of sight. Aster laughs and tells him, “That’s one of the most fascinatingly hypocritical things I’ve heard you say.”

There’s a deadpan, “Fuck you.” He gets a smug smile in response. “You can always try to kill me for that…if you think you can.” The taunt just makes Theo give a bark of laughter, though he’s got an alarmingly similar grin creeping up. “I see how it is. You have a fuckin’ deathwish, huh? I’ll fuckin’--” 

“Theo, be nice,” Lee interrupts. “Wh– but he–!” “Be. Nice.”

The youngest brother stares at the eldest with a wide-eyed look that…probably shouldn’t be as intimidating as it is. Achilles is all of ten, with a significant amount of baby fat still clinging to his face.

And yet, Theo, the heavily scarred veteran of multiple wars he decided to throw himself into mostly for the hell of it, wilts under his babiest brother’s not-quite glare.

Despite his muted affect, Aster’s aura of smugness only grows stronger.

At least, until Lee turns to point a finger at him. “Don’t you be a jerk, either. Aren’t you supposed to be at least sort of responsible?”

Like Theo had, Aster looks immediately chagrined. “...He deserves it, though.” “Not disputing that. I just expect better from you.”

Several people in the room, Theo included, give surprised laughs. 

Agni, the Sapnap that is one of Perce’s best friends leans over to said Dream and whispers, “...Isn’t it a little worrying he can scold them like that? I’m not crazy for thinking that, right?” “The second he decides to weaponize his disappointment we’re all fucked,” Perce mutters back.

“Language,” comes the knee-jerk response from the Bad of the friend group, Damon.

Before Theo can do more than take a breath, Lee whips back to stare at him with an even stronger warning glower.

Theo wisely closes his mouth again.

Satisfied, at least for the moment, Lee says, “I really like games where I can build stuff up. Terraria, Stardew Valley, that sort of thing. But the best games are multiplayer ones. My favorites are ones where something’s randomized. Everybody gets a turn to get angry, and sometimes there are even bonus team ups!”

“The teamups are to murder the winner,” Atlas clarifies. “Or, in some cases, because they were being rude the entire game.” “I went to one family game night. Never again,” Quizzy laments. He idly flings a small pretzel at the screen. 

It misses and instead lands on the floor.

“Cheers to that,” Agni says, knocking his can of soda against Quizzy’s. “...You haven’t ever been to a family game night,” Dee points out. 

With a roll of his eyes, Agni tells him, “Dude, we can hear the aftermath from our house. And we hear Perce complaining about whatever happened and whoever won for days afterwards. He still gets mad about whatever the hell caused Monopoly to be banned–” 

Perce immediately argues, “There wasn’t anything in the game or house rules about betrayal being banned–” “You backstabbed me!” Like Atlas didn’t say anything, Perce barrels on, “and there’s nothing about not playing dramatic music for revealing I had deals with everyone and am now betraying them all in one fell swoop. Or recording everyone’s reactions. Or not selling said reactions for a tidy profit. Or manufacturing memes and betting on which ones get popular to make even more money.”

By this point, Orph’s anger level has lowered enough that his brothers let him speak. “There are now!” “Only because you’re all mad you didn’t think of it first.” “That’s not the point!” “The point is you’re all sore losers who really need to learn to take an L.”

Aster lobs a pillow at him with startling precision. “You’re going to start another brawl. At least let Theo answer the damn question first. Or do you want to be the one to explain to your dad that his eldest son is comatose because of Monopoly-based rage?”

Damon looks worried. “Wait, if we don’t answer questions we go into a coma?!” Theo sighs and tells him, “We have no idea what the fuckin’ consequences are, n’ even if we did, it wouldn’t fuckin’ apply to you. Just me, Dad, n’ Vio. Nobody else got told to answer.”

Technically he’s wrong about that, but Aster isn’t really going to correct him about it.

Theo’s board game based rage almost visibly subsides. “Dunno, I don’t play a ton of games. Good story s' the most important thing to me. If that's good, I'll play pretty much anything."

He pauses and then adds, "N' also Pokémon, 'cause we all play it together."

Perce nods, wings ruffling a little. "Yeah, it's nice to share that with everyone. Other than that…for me, rouge-likes or RPGs with a good story are the best. Oh, or a really good visual novel."

Theo points at him. "Yeah, those too. Some're duds, others're fuckin' amazing."

His little brother grins and holds out his fist. Theo grins back and bumps it.

"Nerds," Atlas sighs, though it’s clearly a fond insult. "For me…man, I just want something to veg out to. Listen to music or a podcast and just vibe. The genre doesn't matter; Slime Rancher, Crypt of the Necrodancer, Bejeweled– those are all great."

Orph perks up a little. "Oh, Crypt of the Necrodancer is a decent rhythm game. Not perfect, but better than fucking Guitar Hero."

The title is spat with a surprising amount of venom.

“Which reminds me–” Orph wheels back on his twin, a gleam in his eye. “Don’t you dare,” Atlas warns, though seems to realize it’s a lost cause.

Exactly as Orph lunges forward again, Atlas springs up off of the couch. Using his wings, he scrambles up past the TV and into the kitchen. Orph is barely a second behind him, wielding one of his daggers. “Play bitch games, get bitch prizes!”

Nobody seems so much as bothered by the attack.

Though Perce does lean forward and say, “My money’s on Atlas.” Dee scoffs. “You kidding? Orph has righteous fury on his side.” “Yeah, exactly. It’s funnier if he loses despite that. So, Atlas will win.”

“I want Atts to win because he’ll sulk for days otherwise,” Quizzy comments. “But do you bet on it,” Dee presses. “No, because I like having money. I’ve made too many dumb bets with all of you to get tricked into this one.” 

“In my defense, I usually can make jumps like that,” Perce mutters. Theo reaches over and pats his head. “Usually pretty kickass, yeah. N’ that just makes you cockier n’ you hit the ground even fuckin’ harder.”

Perce huffs, but he’s grinning too much to even fake annoyance. As much as they can get on his nerves, he does love his family.

“Five emeralds on Attie. S’ vicious when he wants to be,” Theo says. 

After a moment of thought, Aster asks, “Is this a binary choice or can we add a third option?”

“No, you can’t go bet for yourself, kill them both, and take the pot,” Perce answers.

The heavily scarred Tommy hums to himself. “...And if I did it anyway, just for fun?” “Bets are invalidated.” “And I stab you, fuckin’ wrong’un,” Theo adds, affronted.

He knows all too well exactly what his friend is considering doing.

“We’ve established you can’t actually do that, actually– both literally and without Lee getting mad, soooo–” “I dunno, you’re kind of being a jerk right now. Pretty sure I made my stance on that clear,” said ten year old points out.

Theo grins, wings ruffling with more than a little smugness. “Still want to talk shit, bitch?”

Aster rolls his eyes, flicking a piece of popcorn at him. “Fine, fine. You have to admit it’d be funny, though.”

“I feel like that’s a worrying stance for the leader of the Swords and Shields to take,” Damon says. “I usually have to be the voice of reason. If I don’t take chances during my free time to be a little unhinged, it’ll leak out when I need to have my head on straight.”

Perce makes a face. “You’re never unhinged, though?” “No, you just don’t see or hear about the boring parts of my life. You get adoring fans, I get to figure out who should be on rotation during your events and who’s able to be backup if the first, second, and third stringers fall through.”

Theo bumps Aster’s side with one of his wings. “Isn’t there a fuckin’ chart or something?” 

Something alarmingly like despair creeps into Aster’s voice. “Spreadsheets. Plural. I’m not– I dream of those fucking things, I’m not talking about them right now.”

Naturally, half of it is spat back out and a fourth of it exits via his nose. The last fourth feels like it went straight into his lungs. None of those should have any liquids going through them that way, much less a carbonated one.

Plus now his shirt, the couch, and the coffee table are going to be both damp and sticky. The later two can be cleaned fairly easily--and are marred by far more dubious stains anyway--but he does not want to admit to Aver that he may have fucked up another of his casual wear shirts.

Aver–Tommy Prime–was terrifying in a way that Theo never would have imagined he could become when he first met him. You just didn’t cross the guy, because he’s the single most powerful person on the server. Aver has a stranglehold on the entire clothing and fabric import, production, and export related to the server. Anything related to that goes through him at one point or another–up to and including employing at least a dozen other Tommys full time.

He also runs off of spite and probably-eldritch coffee. The guy is cool, but he also maybe scared Theo a tiny bit. Hard not to respect, or not be glad he adored Lee. Said little brother has been learning sewing and embroidery from him for years now; Lee has a voracious appetite for learning any and every skill he could convince anyone to teach him.

Not that any of that will help him when Aver pulls out Seam Ripper to run him through. "Fuckin'--why?!" He's irritated, despairing, and overall unhappy with this entire turn of events. The Fates chitter in amusement at him, though.

I'll take weirdest things a voice in someone's head has said for 500, Alex No no some of you have said WAY weirder shit! I agree, some of you are cringe as hell Lmao look at this guy, thinks cringe culture isn't even deader than Niki Yeah, what rock have you been living under?? Same one that Lucid's sense of style crawled out from, apparently Ooooh burn

Theo puts his head in his hands and sighs. At least this train of thought might distract them from examining what just happened too closely. "Some of you have said some real fuckin’ weirdchamp things before, agreed."

Rude Hey in my defense…the frog looked tasty It was bright red tho??? Yeah like candy! Cherry flavored frog!! Bright colors means poison you piece of soggy toast Okay but if it was one of the ones that gets you high, it would have been VERY funny– Double D would have been mad tho He would have probably found it funny Not if we got Theo killed?!

"A frog wouldn't have fuckin’ killed me, I'm too incredibly pog for that," Theo argues. He’s more than a little offended that they think so little of him. They've been in his head over a decade, they should know better by now. "I would simply not die. Nature fuckin’ quivers before me."

Yeah okay, tell that to a box jellyfish Or a creeper Pfft you should go tell Sam he should quiver before you He DOES though???

His lip curls at the thought of the creeper hybrid. Sam never truly got off his shit list--his crimes may have been largely in his dad’s first life, but…well. Theo forgives nothing and no one for harming his family.

It didn't help that Theo had been forced to watch how the baseline version of the Vault went down at his dad's side. Or, more accurately, sat with him at the bottom of the lava wall and tried to ground him while they both did their best to block out Dream’s screams.

So, yeah, any Sam involved in shady shit related to the Vault was automatically on his bad side.

He's too wrapped up in his own thoughts to attempt herding the metaphorical cats in his head. This proves to be his downfall.

Wait…isn't that basically just selfcest? What the FUCK are you talking about Double D and Phil thing! Think about it, Double D is like…mostly Phil, right? I--no?? How does that make any sense??? I'm lost here too, actually No, no, that's a fair point. Double D is something like 4/5ths Philza, if we count memories as time he lived– DO we count them though??? He does! Yeah, see! Exactly! It TOTALLY counts, therefore we're entering very dangerous territory–

Desperately trying to reign in their bullshit before it ends with him needing to book a therapy appointment again, he tells them, "I'd fuckin’ appreciate if you all wouldn't discuss the idea of my dad n’ Philza being together or the--Dad is not mostly Philza, that's just fuckin stupid!"

Dee takes this exact moment to hop down from the level above and land right in front of his brother. His eyes are narrowed slightly in that way they get when he's trying to figure out if being nosy is worth the possible costs. He evidently decides they are because he asks, "...Care to explain?"

Theo isn't going to suffer through this alone; if this bullshit is being inflicted on him, he’s sharing that burden. He immediately says, "Dad got a real fuckin’ weirdchamp question asking how he would react to seeing a version of himself–him, not Dream–dating a version of Phil. His response was to just fuckin’ fling himself out the window. And now the Fates are fuckin’ debating if it counts as selfcest because of the ratio of memories that are Dad’s versus the ones from Phil. And now I got the same question for context because I was real fuckin’ confused."

After a moment to digest that, Dee gives a thoughtful hum. "I see." He pauses, and then adds, "I deeply regret asking. But since I did, I'm going to say for the sake of my sanity that it's not. As funny as it would be to tell Dad not to pull a Onceler on us, others are already doing that way more clearly. Fates, please stop creating cognitohazards. Theo is enough of one already."

Theo's outraged squawk is coupled with loud laughter from the Fates.

Dee saw where I was going with that!!! Theo tell your older brother he's the second best Wait you were thinking of Onceler??? In this day and age??? Some of us are haunted by those dark, dark times I thought it was all very entertaining, actually And that's why we keep a spritz bottle for YOU I've evolved beyond being afraid of that!! I'm stronger now. I am unstoppable– Yeah that's why there’s a second bottle with bleach. Oh that sounds painful actually. No thanks!

As always, Theo has very little clue what the fuck is happening with them. Is it a bit? Are they actually capable of spritzing wayward members of the chorus with bleach? Is he just trying to do anything to get the idea of his dad dating Philza out of his head?

Only one of those he knows the answer to for sure. He looks up at his brother and tells him, "I'm going to go find Lee and get him to test an experimental potion on me. Anything to skip past this fuckin’ bullshit." He gets up and starts to leave, when Dee shouts after him, "Clean up the soda first, you asshole!" "Sorry, can't hear you over the sound of trying to ignore the fuckin’ bullshit going in my head!" "Theo I swear to fucking Prime if you don't get back here–"

Theo hastens his pace to run and launch himself off the deck and into the air. "Nope! Go fuck yourself!" He throws a middle finger back at Dee as he gains height and, more importantly, distance from him. He curves away from that section of the house because Dee is a bullshit good shot with arrows.

…Though it may have been worth it to get shot a few times rather than deal with whatever Dee will come up with to get back at him for this.