#endarkenment

Anaal Nathrakh - Endarkenment

My heart aches to be known, truly, deeply by you, to greet you in the space where you and I no longer exist; to be openly and unconditionally received as I pour into you.

I ache to unleash the flame that burns fiercely in my chest, and yet it is only I that stands in the way, blocking the path to liberation which lays only in the heart.

With temptation around every corner, my lust for you keeps me hungry. The momentary taste of you brings the sweetest bliss, but it is a single drop on the tongue of a starving humanity.

I try to satisfy the void of you by gorging on your most delicious fruits, but so long as I refuse to recognise you, I will remain unknown.

I question often, is it really me who longs to be seen? And if I am so desperate to know you, how am I still blind?

I cannot blame her, only love and forgive her – still, what does she think she is protecting me from? Rejection, sure. Violence, maybe.

In a world that does not yet know how to allow love, that does not trust that love will not come at a price, that has no understanding of the language I wish to speak; I pray she finds the courage, strength and safety within to surrender, fully, to you.

My Samhain Season began with my transition into darkness, timed to the heliacal rise of Spica (a star or multi-star system in the constellation Virgo) on October 24th, the same day as the full moon.  The timing was something I discovered by accident, as I fell down a rabbit hole of faery holidays and stellar timing following Morgan Daimler’s revelations about the Pleaides.  Spica seems to be…

I am not a victim of violence or abuse.

I am not a victim of lack; love, money, time or truth.

I am –

not a victim of the shame,

not a victim of the pain,

not a victim of the judgement,

suffering,

or blame.

I am not a victim of oppression.

I am not a victim of aggression.

I am not a victim of neglect,

humiliation,

or enraged threat.

I am not a victim of old stories I’ve been told.

I am not a victim of the love you withhold.

I am not a victim,

no more, not today.

Neither will I be tomorrow,

nor was I yesterday.

I am not a victim, sorry darling - we are through.

I am not a victim, and neither are you