To whom it may concern,

Yellow again, if you are new this is a series I”m currently doing and this is the 4th post, I believe. Check out the others on my main page. PM me and we can chat. 

If people like this, I may do it more often with all my different moods, not just the one I was in today. Today was such shit. My birthday was yesterday and I had anxiety attacks for days beforehand and today I was weeping all day.  This song has been so close to me since the album came out over a year ago! I’m in love with the First Aid Kit. Their stuff amazes me and their words relate to me so much. I look up to these two amazingly talented singers. 

Their music is helping me survive in this journey with escaping severe abuse. 

These words are words I felt before I was out, when I was on my way out. Climbing that forever long tunnel in the deep soil of the earth. I spent years in darkness before seeing a glimmer of hope. This song expresses those feelings and then the feelings I have now.. 

“I’m not coming home” is a phrase used in this song in the chorus, and it rings so true to me. I will not be coming home.. at least not the home I used to know. Although I do long for it almost every day. Like I’ve said in previous posts, I suffer from Stockholm syndrome. Good things make me mortified and bad things bring me joy. I’m slowly changing this mindset, but to re-wire your brain is a very hard and long process.  

Over and out, 

I'm in an odd mood today. don't really know quite what's up. strange mix of emotions I guess. sometimes I just want to take off and travel to who knows where and drift like a nomad. OK maybe there's destinations for some of the things, but not much of any destination or plans. Maybe its a want to run away from life. but what really do I have to run away from. So Why this urge to jump on the road and just keep driving?

I feel lonely, I feel like I haven't seen my friends in forever. or perhaps its a different kind of loneliness I feel. If so then thats stupid. cause I was done with thinking that I need someone there, I don't want someone. not now anyways, I don't think now is the time. not sure it would be good for me or more importantly them.

I'm not sure if that last thing is even quite what I'm feeling or the explanation for what I'm feeling. This may be one of the consequences for mistakes I've made In a past relationship. I thought that was healed and I was past that. but It turns out that mistake did something even deeper. stay pure people stay pure. save it for marriage. messing with that stuff messes you up. I've learned from experience.