#empires shitposts

Jimmy had no clue what had just happened, but that wasn’t really that unusual for him. What was unusual though, was waking up in a dark, cramped, dry room, devoid of anything comforting like the murky waters or soothing slime of the Swamp Empire. “You can do this Jimmy. You’re the Codfather, ruler of the strongest empire in the land.” He told himself quietly, only really half believing it. He started to panic and fumbled around in his satchel to find a torch but found nothing. He then realized that most of his stuff was missing from his satchel. His breathing got heavier as he started to panic even more and rummaged through the pockets created by nooks and crannies of his armored scales. He breathed a sigh of relief as he found what he was looking for. It was a poppy given to him be Scott after he had taken him on that little da- no it wasn’t a date it was just an alliance meeting. Jimmy couldn’t let himself get his hopes up too much about him. The poppy was a little bit crumpled and squished. That was weird because it managed to stay in pristine condition no matter how many times Jimmy accidentally drowned in his own Cod Sanctuary or fell off the Great Wall of Cod. It was probably irrelevant, he was just glad he still had it and that it was in tact. Jimmy’s ear fins perked up as he felt a presence approach from what felt like everyone all at once. His dorsal fin spikes shot up like the hair on the back of a human’s neck when something scary was approaching. That told him it was a hostile presence. A zombie, or perhaps a creeper? Or even worse a dreaded Salmon. Jimmy shivered at the thought of encountering a Salmon in these conditions. “He doesn’t love you back the way you love him, you know?” Said a distorted voice that seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere all at once. Jimmy froze, this was one of the few things worse than Salmon, which meant it could only be one thing… Xornoth.

Jimmy had never been more glad to be a fish because otherwise he thought he might need a change of pants trousers. Jimmy drew in a deep breath and finally gathered the courage to speak. “Wh- What do you want, Xornoth?” Jimmy asked, trying to sound tough but knowing that he probably sounded more like a newly hatched fish. “Well other than the usual world domination, getting revenge on my brother would be quite nice.” Xornoth said, seeming to hiss right into Jimmy’s brain.

Ok ok ok so I️ have like 30 million different ideas like usual

Stress + dry empty environment leads to dehydration. L”even if your so called friends did care enough to go looking for you they’d never find you”. He sends a seabling message to Lizzie and Lizzie gets it while teaching her axolotls that are all at little underwater desks and has a faint memory from long ago about having to rescue Jimmy after getting that same sort

Jimmy was terrified that he’d dry up in this small dark dehydrating cave. Terrified that he’d die alone in here and not wake up this time. That fear of dying and never waking up was weirdly familiar. Without his usual supply of watery slime he’d dry up in no time with Xornoth no doubt staring at him. He decided that, despite potentially making himself look weak (not that he wasn’t already used to do that), his best bet was to curl into a ball to conserve moisture. As he did so, he remembered that Scott had given him an enchanted earring. Jimmy had put it on a necklace made of enchanted seaweed and poppies. With trembling webbed hands he unclamped the earring and looked at it or at least tried to in this dark environment. Scott had told him to use it in an emergency. As he held it, it slowly began to grow to the size of an average potion, not that Jimmy knew anything about brewing. What he did know about this potion though, made his heart sink. An Awkward Potion, a Mundane Potion, a Thick Potion. “Just like me.” He thought. “Awkward and mundane.” He sighed. “My brother gave you a useless gift. Fitting for someone as useless to your so called friends as you are.” The air whispered in his ears. Something inside Jimmy kept whispering water, water, water. At first he just assumed that was just his body’s desperate plea for water. Then he remembered exactly what the awkwardly thick mundane potion was. Water. He immediately chugged the entire bottle and instantly felt more hopeful.

Jimmy felt the potion’s water flow through him. “Thank Aeor and the Cod Gods.” He said under his breath.

“I️ wouldn’t bother if I️ were you. Your so called friends aren’t coming to your rescue and even if they were they’d never find you.” Xornoth said

“Xornoth what the heck do you want from me?” Jimmy asked with the newfound semblance of courage he’d gotten from the watery potion.

“Well for starters you’re the easiest to pick on. Even your so called friends know that. That’s why they bully you, you’re the weakest empire.” Xornoth answered.

“No. They’re my friends it’s just friendly banter. They’re my friends for a reason.” Jimmy said, not about to let Xornoth start messing with his head. He’d have an existential crisis about this later when he wasn’t being held hostage by a terrifying demon.

“Mm? And what reason is that? They’re only friends with you out of pity. You bring nothing to the table for them.” Xornoth told him coldly.

“Did you know there are three different types of true cod in the world? There a lot of relatives of cod that are commonly called cod but aren’t actually part of the genus called Gadus.” Jimmy said to Xornoth suddenly.

“What- I️ totally knew that but just don’t care.” Xornoth lied.

“There’s the Atlantic Cod aka Gadus Morhua, the Pacific Cod aka Gadus Macrocephalus, and the Greenland Cod aka Gadus Ogac.” Jimmy continued. He knew that when all else failed (which with his luck, things tended to go wrong a lot) talk about cod.

“Shut it, fish face!” Xornoth snapped. Tentacles like miniature versions of the ones caused by Xornoth’s corruption, started to wrap around Jimmy’s ankles and wrists and slowly started moving up towards his head and his tail. The tentacles somehow felt so much worse than he’d expected, not that he’d known what to expect given he was too cautious to ever touch the tentacles at the swamp. They felt like dead polluted coral, and created a dry burning sensation like it too. How did he know exactly what dead polluted coral felt like?

He suddenly had a very faint memory of him playing playing in the coral reefs long ago while Lizzie floated a few meters away crafting a sweater out of seaweed. Lizzie must have taken her eye off him for a little bit too long as he somehow ended up in Salmon Territory. That must’ve been when he’d first encountered that polluted coral. It was also the first time he’d done something else. A cry for help. He didn’t remember what exactly had happened while he was in Salmon Territory only that it was somewhat traumatic and that Lizzie his big strong older sister had come to his rescue. He now knew what he needed to do. “My friends will come for me I know it.” He said to the darkness that surrounded him. As the tentacles slid up his neck, rubbing painfully against his gills, he let out a noise that sounded to him like dying dolphin. Xornoth laughed at the seemingly feeble noise but it echoed across the land and ocean to its destination… the Ocean Empire.

It was just another normal day in the Ocean Kingdom, or so Lizzie thought. She was teaching her axolotls some of the latest techniques for killing chickens (courtesy of Joel). They were in an underwater cave and the axolotls were all floating at little school desks very adorably. Most of them weren’t paying attention but she loved all of them anyway. “Chickens are very stupid and they suck according to King Joel-“ Lizzie was saying but stopped short as she heard a far off noise. It sounded almost like a dolphin in distress except much more familiar. As if a dolphin in distress wasn’t bad enough, she felt a searing pain ripple from the tip of her head fin to the tip of her tail fin. It felt familiar.

She suddenly had a faint memory from long ago. Jimmy had been playing in the coral reef and she must’ve taken her eye off him for too long because the next thing she knew, he had wandered off. It was then that she heard that cry for help. She’d found Jimmy in Salmon Territory surrounded by Salmon and their dead polluted coral. She was so upset at the Salmon that she was easily able to fight them off and rescue Jimmy. She also remembered that that night Jimmy had asked her if he was “broken”. She’d of course told him he wasn’t, just that his egg had been damaged but he was perfect just the way he was.

Her external gills that sometimes acted like a cat’s whiskers or even like antenna twitched nervously.

“Is everything ok, Queen Lizzie?” One of the axolotls asked, raising their tiny little hand/paw.

“No. Something is very very wrong. I️ think Jimmy is in grave danger.” Lizzie answered truthfully. The axolotl looked at her with worry on their face.

“May I️ suggest a search party?” Another axolotl asked.

Lizzie slowly shook her head. “No this mission is too dangerous for trainees. I’m going to need some help.” She said.

“Oh boy. Here we go.” The axolotl sighed jokingly.

“Yep. For better or for worse we’re going to need the King of Mezalea.” Lizzie said.

Joel was going through his daily routine of admiring himself in the mirror, killing chickens, and checking his profits. He had just finished polishing his horse heads when he heard frantic splashing from the dock entrance he had built for Lizzie. He went over to the dock to find Lizzie freaking out.

“You alright Lizzie?” Joel asked.

“Yes yes I’m fine. But Jimmy’s in trouble, I️ can feel it.” Lizzie told him quickly.

“He’s gotten himself into trouble again? Jimmy? No you must be mistaken.” Joel said sarcastically.

Lizzie rolled her eyes and splashed him with her tail.

“Hey! I️ just got this outfit. Are you sure he’s actually in trouble or just lost somewhere again. I’m busy collecting more bloody sand.” Joel said.

“Yes. Joel I️ had a faint memory of when Jimmy and I️ were Creatures Of The Sea. He sent out a distress call just now. Just like he did in the memory I️ had.” Lizzie said.

“Hmm. I’ll think about it.” Joel said already coming to a decision that yes, of course he’d help Jimmy.

“What about this: you get to kill every non sea creature we find on the way AND I’ll make you some lamb burgers tonight.” Lizzie suggested.

“Ok, you got me. I can’t pass up an opportunity to kill things so I’ll help. But how the hell do we know where he is? It’s a mystery to me-“ he said and stopped as he realized his mistake. He braced himself for the oncoming puns.

“This calls for a detective. Never fear Sherlockness Monster is here. We must solve the mystery of where the heck Jimmy is and how he got there. This will be our toughest case yet, Dr. Wetson.” Lizzie said. (Edit: Lizzie began to craft a deerstalker hat, like the Sherlock kind, out of seaweed and fastened it on her head).

“Oh no, here we go again. We should probably start by investigating at the Swamp.” Joel suggested.

“Brilliant idea my dear Wetson. I’m starting to learn more about being an axolotl. Here get in this boat and I’ll pull you.” Lizzie said pointing towards a boat. Joel got in the boat and Lizzie immediately started to swim towards the Swamp.

“Lizzie-e-e-e slow do-o-o-own.” Joel said as the boat bounced along on the water. Lizzie ignored him as she continued her beeline towards the Swamp. They arrived at the Swamp incredibly quickly, much to Joel’s stomach’s annoyance.

“Hope the ride wasn’t too bumpy.” Lizzie said.

“I️ think I’m gonna be seasick.” Joel moaned.

“Well at least you look even more like Shrek now. Also you weren’t too seasick to jump out and kill that random chicken we saw on the way here.” Lizzie observed.

“It was looking at me funny. It had it coming. Oh, oh no-“ Joel started but then stopped, seeing that the corruption had gotten creepier and even more concerning, Jimmy’s items scattered on the ground.

“Lizzie I️ think you were right. I️ think Jimmy is in danger.” Joel said with concern. “Lizzie?” He said when she didn’t respond, and noticed she wasn’t there.

“Oh Joel. This poor little cod was stuck in the grasp of one of these little tentacles.” Lizzie said getting into the water to rescue the cod. “LET. GO.” She said angrily as she kicked the tentacle. The tentacle eventually relented and let the cod go. The cod swam happily around Lizzie and made some strange noises. Joel guessed those noises were distressed because Lizzie made a concerning face and looked at Joel. “This cod says that Jimmy was killed and captured by someone and that without his slime he won’t last long in a stressful environment.” Lizzie said nervously. “Who captured him?” Lizzie asked the cod.

“Wait are you seriously talking to a fish? I️ guess crazy runs in your family.” Joel said.

Lizzie shushed him and then shivered as her fears were confirmed. “Just as I️ suspected, Dr. Wetson, it was Xornoth. Sometimes I️ hate it when I’m right.” Lizzie said.

Now back to your regularly scheduled angst (maybe, hopefully). After this quick message from our sponsor (aka I️ really need to take a shower). Unfortunately while in the shower I️ had even more Ideas but I️ can’t use them until later but also hhhhhnnbnnhhhhhswyjkh

Jimmy slowly opened his eyes after what seemed like ages. For a second he didn’t remember where he was and started to panic. Then he remembered he was just being held hostage by his best friend’s demonic brother, not that that was anymore comforting. Jimmy was sure that they were at the very least best friends, he had given Scott a cake when they were establishing their empires.

“Have a nice nap, fish boy?” Xornoth said, his glowing eyes appearing in the darkness to stare at Jimmy as he struggled against the tentacles’ grasp.

“It’s the Codfather actually, not fish boy. And did you know that one one of the fish related to the cod is a Walleye Pollock.” Jimmy said.

“Oh really? I️ heard you got demoted down to CodBoy. You can’t even do your own religion right.” Xornoth said.

“H- How’d you know about that? I️ haven’t told anybody yet.” Jimmy said. No one except for Scott, Jimmy thought to himself.

“Why Jimmy I️ know more about you than you even know about yourself. Not that you know much about anything except slime and Cod.” Xornoth oozed.

“I️ know plenty of things about myself. And I️ know plenty of things about Salmon too, actually. Know thy enemy and all that.” Jimmy insisted.

“Oh really? Then how do I️ know that it’s your fault that Lizzie left the ocean and lost all her memories. She certainly would blame you for that if she knew properly. And of course you also went against my brother and defeated the dragon. I️ really must thank you for that. You’re friends all hate you for that too.” Xornoth said smiling.

“No, everyone knows that that whole thing with the dragon was just a big misunderstanding. I️ already knew Lizzie left the ocean because of me.” Jimmy said.

“And don’t even get me started with how you always lose at those little games you play with your friends in your dreams at night. Dos, Ghost Hunt, Business Stonks. I️ mean you’re friends are actively trying to make you lose.” Xornoth continued

Meanwhile in Rivendell, the Cod in Scott’s Cod Sanctuary were going absolutely mental. Scott instantly knew something wasn’t right. He didn’t need to be able to speak fish to know that Jimmy was in trouble. Ever since Jimmy had told him about his newfound ability to talk to fish, Scott was impressed. Pinpointing the moment he’d fallen for Jimmy though, that was a different thing entirely. The fish continued acting mad and gestured towards the supposedly secret cave where he kept the Xornoth crystal. It made sense that the fish might know where it is since he’d only told Jimmy about it. He rushed towards the cave to find that the ice pillar had been taken over by corruption and the crystal was cracked.

“Well shet.” He said under his breath.

“Why hello brother. Long time no see.” Xornoth said without actually appearing in a physical form.

“Hello Xornoth.” Scott said casually.

“I’m only going to say this once so listen carefully. If you truly care for your precious little fish freak then you’ll do exactly as I️ say. Otherwise I️’ll fry him alive and have a nice cod dinner tonight. Mmmm yummy.” Xornoth said.

Scott’s eyes widened at the information and he immediately got defensive (for good reason). “Jemmy’s not a freak. Don’t you dare touch him I️ swear to Aeor.” Scott started.

“He is a freak his egg was small and damaged just like he is, I just know what you see in him. And what are you gonna do, kill me? We both know the prophecy. Plus if you kill me then you’ll never find out where your precious little cod boy is. He’ll shrivel up all alone thinking his friends don’t care about him. Well that will happen either way. Unless of course, you do exactly what I️ want you to.” Xornoth told Scott.

“I’m not going to help you. Not after what you’ve done to everyone.” Scott answered.

“Oh? Is that so?” Xornoth asked as a holographic projection appeared and showed Jimmy wrapped tightly in tentacles with steam coming off him as his scales fought against the torturous heat of the tentacles. Jimmy looked on the verge of tears (which to be fair he threatened to cry at them daily) as the tentacles played with his ear fins and gills and Xornoth whispered lies in his ears.

Scott could barely stop himself from letting out a high pitched squeal as he watched the projection. “F- Fine what do want. Please just stop hurting him.” Scott said. “We already put him through enough as it is.” He added silently to himself.

“Bring me the Ocean Queen’s head. You must freeze her with your ice powers and bring her head here before Midnight or else I’ll enjoy a nice cod sandwich although I doubt he’d taste any good.” Xornoth demanded.

Scott knew he’d do anything to protect Jimmy. He might even go along with Xornoth’s play if only to keep Jimmy alive just a little bit longer. “Fine I’ll do it.” He said finally as he whistled for his noble stag steed.

“Perfect.” Xornoth said smiling.

Scott rode his steed as fast as they could go. He rode them across the rivers and lakes toward the Swamp freezing the water as his steed galloped across it. In his wake he left a trail of frozen tears.

Lizzie and Joel were talking to the Cod that Lizzie had rescued from the tentacles grasp.

“I️ mean at least the Demon Boob didn’t come back. I️ may be an amphibian but I️ sure know a Demon Boob when I️ see one.” Lizzie said.

“Actually that was a giant eyeball although Demon Boob is arguably a lot funnier I️ gotta admit.” Scott said arriving on his stag.

Joel was immediately suspicious and not just because he liked causing drama.

“Oh thank the oceans you’re here Scott. Jimmy’s been captured by Xornoth.” Lizzie said frantically.

“What do we need him for.” Joel asked tooling his eyes.

“Well first of all he’s one of Jimmy’s Allie’s and second of all, ya know, they’re in love and all that.” Lizzie answered.

“Wot no we’re not, wot are you talking about.” Scott said still not completely aware that he was in love with Jimmy.

“Lizzie something isn’t right. Something’s off about Scott.” Joel whispered to Lizzie.

Scott’s eyes were glazed over in an icy layer making him looking somewhat crazy.

“He’s right Lizzie. Something isn’t right. I’m sorry but I️ have to do this. It’s the only way he’ll let Jimmy go.” Scott said as he dismounted from his stag and walked up to Lizzie, a razor sharp icicle appearing in his hands.

“It’s ok Scott. I️ understand, I’d do anything to protect my baby brother. I️ will peaceably give you my head.” Lizzie said as Scott lifted the icicle towards Lizzie.

Joel cleared his throat. “Ahem. What the bloody hell do you think you’re doing, Scott?” He asked.

“Saving Jimmy.” Scott and Lizzie both answered at the same time.

“I️ promise I’ll make this as quick and painless as possible.” Scott said as he plunged the icicle towards Lizzie. Right before the icicle made contact with Lizzie, instead of impaling her it dissipated and ice spread across her body leaving only her head unfrozen. Then in a flash of bright white light Lizzie had disappeared leaving only Lizzie’s head and her items scattered across the ground.

At first Joel was too shocked to do anything. Then he regained his composure, let out a strange growl and lunged at Scott.

Lizzie woke up with a start and sat up gasping for air. She at first didn’t know where she was although she knew exactly what had happened, it was for the greater good after all. She then realized she was in one of Jimmy’s lounge chairs that he had by the Swamp’s beach. She remembered that she and Joel had, mostly because of Joel’s insistence, stopped to jump on the lounge chair beds like little kids. That must’ve been why she woke up there. It was a good thing too, because she realized that Joel, being the madman that he was, was in the process of beating Scott up with a Mazalean cactus. Lizzie got up and went over to Scott and Joel.

“By the Sea Spirits, Joel. What the heck are you doing to poor Scott?” Lizzie asked in concern. Scott despite currently being beaten up with a cactus, looked extremely relieved as soon as he saw Lizzie.

“What do you bloody think I’m doing? I’m attacking Scott with a Mazalean cactus because he just killed you. And he’s making it so easy he’s not even fighting back lol.” Joel answered as if what he was doing was perfectly logical.

“That’s because I completely deserve to be attacked with your cactus, Joel. I️ didn’t want to kill Lizzy but I needed her head so that Xornoth would stop hurting Jimmy. Thank goodness you’re ok Lizzie. I️ was so afraid that Xornoth might do something to keep you from waking up after I️ killed you.” Scott said.

“I’m fine, thank you. Do you have the head?” Lizzie said.

“Yes. Although I️ doubt Xornoth really needed it for anything. He probably just wanted to try drive us apart as friends.” Scott said.

-Earlier or Meanwhile or Something-

Jimmy was still stuck in the grasps of the tentacles which were getting progressively hotter. Suddenly he felt an icy chill run down his spine, which normally would have been welcoming in these hot conditions except for the fact that he had a feeling that it was related to Lizzie and that it wasn’t a good sign.

“Your so called friends can’t even get along with each other much less you. That elf you’ve got a crush on? He just killed your sister.” Xornoth said and presented a holographic recording of Scott killing Lizzie seemingly unprovoked while Joel watched with shock and horror on his face.

“This is some sort of trick. It’s got to be. My friends wouldn’t do that to each other.” Jimmy insisted.

“Really? Then explain this.” Xornoth said, tossing Lizzie’s head at Jimmy. The head bonked Jimmy in the face since couldn’t do much to catch it since he was tied down by the tentacles.

“Oops hahaha sorry.” Xornoth said insincerely.

Jimmy looked at the head which was apparently a lot harder than he had expected it to be when it hit him in the face. The head was a faded grey color instead of the usual indigo hue of Lizzie’s skin and her pink hair. Like coral that had been away from the water for too long.

“Believe me now?” Xornoth asked.

“I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for this. Plus now I’ll have a new head to add to my collection when I️ get home.” Jimmy said. “IF I️ get home.” He added to himself.

“You really think your friends want to see you? Plus you wouldn’t want them to see you like this would you? You’re at your lowest right now and your friends will think you’re even weaker than they already do.” Xornoth said.

“Even if they did think I️ was weak there isn’t much I️ could do to change their minds.” He said, knowing full well that at least a few of the other Empires probably thought he was weak.

“I️ know you don’t trust me but I️ know you can be so much stronger. The strongest empire in the lands I️ dare say. You can flood the lands, make the whole area your mucky wet swamplands.” Xornoth said.

“What do you mean I️ have the power to flood the lands and make them all your own.” Jimmy said.

“Oh Jimmy, you may have been the small damaged egg but you were once a creature of the sea with untold powers. You could easily defeat them all. I️ mean why else do you think that elf boy of my brother pretends to like you so much? And don’t say some mopey crap like because he loves me I️ already told you he doesn’t. He’s using you, Jim.” Xornoth said.

“Hold on could you slow down. My brain can only process so many things at once. ADHD’ll do that to you sometimes.” Jimmy said trying to process all the Crap he had just learned. How much of what Xornoth was saying was true. Did Jimmy really have untold powers of the sea? And was Scott really just using him?