#emotionallydamaged

I can’t believe how much has happened since I last wrote. I’ve been dreading writing the next one because a lot has happened in one month. So, I may as well get it out of the way. 

My brother L died a few weeks ago on Jan 22. He was my older half brother from my bio mom. Idk how I’m doing with that in all honesty. We didn’t grow up with each other. Idek when exactly he came into my life, or when I started to know him. We were kids though. We were really “friends” in high school (I was closer to our older brother though). He usually did his own thing. Hung out with my brother (from my adoptive family), cuz they liked doing coke together lol. And this brother L, worked for my dad. Anyways, point is we were siblings, but not super close. I think I had a problem with him from when we were teenagers. We passed out at my sister B’s (my sister, his cousin; cuz my moms are sisters, remember?) lol. This time though, I woke up to him touching me. Like, over the pants, but on my parts. I was grossed out, but didn’t know what to say or do. I just went upstairs and slept on the couch, wondering wtf. Never spoke about it again. I don’t even remember if I said anything to anybody.

Fast forward to adult lives. I lived in one city, he lived in another, where our mom lived. We only ever saw each other when I would go visit to party over the years. I remember one of the first times I started to take Alec there, this stupid brother tried kissing me with his tongue outside of the house. This time I was drunk enough to not give a shit and got upset. Right there I decided this kid wasn’t right in the head to think that was even remotely ok to do. I just sort of kept my distance after that. 

Now, it’s the week of the last time I drank ever. Remember I said I went to my moms with her, my sister and my brother? It was this brother. I was already sober for about two months this time, and had no intention on drinking over there, but who was I kidding. I drank for 8 days, then sobered up after this. But during this visit, I must have only been on my second night there, and the same fucken thing happened. I slept on the couch, and it’s only a one bedroom house. But I didn’t think anything of it. But I woke up to him trying to take off my pants. I was shook. I grabbed my pants from going down, got up and said “Quit trying to be a fucking perv to me stupid, I’m your little sister.” Like he needed reminding. I was so sick. I went lay in my mums bed with her and my sister. And next morning, he left. I never spoke to him much after that. I got sober and started my own life, he decided to get into meth and went down that road. 

That time is was Nov 2018. We barely kept in touch. I knew what he was doing out there because I still would talk to my mom and sister, but hardly to him. We messaged sometimes on fb, but nothing memorable. The last time I saw him for real was his bday last year. Feb 16th. My oldest son was here visiting for the first time, so I had all my kids, and it was his bday and that family were all getting together, so I thought I could take all my kids to see that family. Especially since my son and my girls hardly got to know them. Anyways, my brother said he was clean for 2 weeks that time. I said keep it up. But it didn’t last long. Over this past year, he got really old looking and skinny. Overdosed on fentanyl twice I think. I knew we wouldn’t get him back. 

Reason why I bring up my past with my brother is, I had unresolved issues with him. I didn’t like who he was. He was supposed to be my brother and didn’t treat me that way. I’ll never know why. Of course, I cried when our brother had to tell me the news. But Idk if I’m too mad at him to let myself grieve. Idk what I feel. 

A couple days ago, I was online for classes at the beginning of the week. Monday I had Sexual Victimization. I think my brother passing, and this classes were major triggers in my emotional breakdown. Monday night I either had a dream, or thought of an incident before I went to sleep. I was about 13 or 14, I came with my late sister S on a medical with her baby at the time to the city. Of course we drank. We ended up arguing and I left the hotel. I don’t remember any of this. next thing I know I wake up in an alley, in the back of a cab, with the cab driver inside of me. I pushed him off, really confused cuz I didn’t know him. I was behind a store, I just grab my things and walk away. And that’s all I remember. I don’t remember how I got back to my sister. Since then, I remember thinking that it was just something messed up that happened to me. I didn’t think it affected me. But I must have just suppressed the shit out of my feelings, because they came out that Tuesday. All I could think about was that, and my brother. I stayed online classes, but wasn’t really talkative and hadn’t finished my work. I would turn off my camera and just ugly cry every time I had a thought. Especially the thought of I had nobody to talk to. I emailed that instructor and told her everything. Mostly because she wouldn’t give me shit for not having a presentation done, and I wasn’t engaging on discussions. Because to add insult to injury, this one presentation was on FASD from one of the students. The videos on there was from 2 mom’s point of views on why they drank through their pregnancies. I did with my youngest daughter. And in that moment, when our instructor asked what we think about their perspectives, I was going to be really honest about how I struggled. But the other students went first, before I can turn on my mic and say something. They all said negative things about the mothers and how they’re selfish about not thinking about their children. Which is fair. I would have thought the same thing. I do think the same. But that hurt, because that was me all those years ago. When she asked for what I thought, when everyone had spoken, I just sat there, holding in my tears, and just shook my head no. Then, turned off my camera and just bawled my eyes out. 

That day was hard. Just a lot of emotions about everything, and anything. I couldn’t pinpoint what was exactly wrong, because everything felt wrong. I still don’t know what or how I feel. I don’t know how to heal from these things that I don’t talk about. I didn’t tell my therapist before, but she did get a long email about these things. I just told her that I felt better, cuz she didn’t answer until yesterday (thurs.). So, I’m still figuring it out, Idk.

Idk what else to write about next. Alex is selling his house. He scares me because he’s not from here and I don’t know enough to what he has planned. I’m afraid he’s going to try take our kid away from me. I don’t trust him. So, I think I’m going to have to try consult with a lawyer that says he can’t leave and we share him. Just to have something legally. idk. 

Speaking of, this whole time I was confused about what I felt about this guy. When we were at the funeral home, getting ready to take him home, I kind of expected Alex to be there. I expected him to hug me when I went drop off my girls so I can go with my mom that Sat night, but he didn’t. When we drove down the highway with all our hazard lights on, when we had my brothers body, Alex said he met us. He said he got emotional and started to cry, then apologized for not being there, but he didn’t want to make things awkward for me. All I said was, “I thought you would have came too, but I didn’t want to ask. But it’s ok, don’t feel bad. Maybe we’re just not those people for each other anymore.” At the time I believed I was ok about it. But feelings always creep back up again. Like, tonight, i was going through my Google photos from when I started saving everything. A lot of emotions surfaced, cuz I missed him. There are a lot of good memories in my photos. But also, a lot of bad ones. Like, him keeping our son away from me every time we broke up, with the longest time being a year. Him cheating on me throughout our relationship. The abuse in the beginning. It all still gets me upset. Because I don’t think I deserved any of it. I really did try make him be Thee one. But now, I hate having to navigate the co-parenting thing, because I really don’t trust him. 

Then, about court with the other dummy in my life. Criminal court for the girls’ dad is March 16. My supposed lawyer sent me a letter in the mail saying if I didn’t respond in 10 days within that letter was made (Jan 10), they were going to close my file. It was fricken the 28th when I opened it. I called asap, but it was after 4pm by then. Told the lady I didn’t want my file closed and had been waiting for that lawyer to call me since summer. Last time i even talked to her was before I got this house. So, in July. Hf. Anyways, bringing her up, cuz maybe whenever I finally get to talk to her, I can ask about what to do about Alex, and if she can help with those matters, and James. 

So, speaking of James. I messaged him that day my brother died. Something like “My brother died today. Thought I’d tell you since you guys used to be friends.” never expected him to write back, but he did. A bunch of sorries and condolences, whatever. Weird thing was him carrying on the conversation. Telling me his gf just had another baby too, and it can’t be his cuz he wasn’t with her when she conceived. Typically fucking guy I thought. He denies every fucking kid he has. I just told him we weren’t friends and I don’t give a shit about him and his gf problems. And idk if it was before this or after this conversation, that we almost started talking about court. He tried saying that we should just “drop everything and move on”. holy fuck, the audacity. He said that I should know that he would never hurt one of our girls. And what I said to that was, “I didn’t say anything, it was your girls that said what you did. and for you to plead guilty and force them to live through this again by testifying just makes him that much more of a shitty dad.” So fuck him. Idk why I even told him anything about my brother. I honestly didn’t think he would answer, because I never did to my other messages. But whatever. Haven’t spoke to him since and don’t plan to. 

I don’t know what else. lol. I applied to university for a social work degree. Yesterday actually. So, Idk when I’d hear back from them. That Friday before my brother died, I had such a good day. That whole day just had me deep into class discussions. And after school I stayed to talk to my instructor about life. I told her about my life, and how I was interested in that justice degree program I was considering at first. She told me, in her opinion, my calling is social work, because of how passionate I am about things and my life experience would have my relatable and understanding. So, I did it. Scared now, because it seems intimidating. lol. So, I guess that’s a little piece of good news. But hoy fuck, it’s been a rough start to 2022 for me. Idek wtf for. lol. 

ABSOLUTELY NO ONE: