#emo writing

so you torture yourself all the time and pretend that you’re fine, that you’re perfect.

its both amusing and kinda annoying how ive been on tumblr since bts debuted, in these four years ive always had at least one mutual stan them and reblog them onto my dash. it was weird seeing these seven korean dudes on my dash when at the time i was only interested in one direction & youtubers but i always rlly liked the blog so i just kind of let them stay. i never thought much about them, i wld occasionally read about some guy named suga or kookie but i didnt know who they were (or why they had the names suga and kookie). i saw their faces, i saw gifs of their music videos and interviews but i didnt know them. i remember vividly seeing a screencap of we are bulletproof pt. 2 and joonie and i did not see the appeal at all. imma be real here, we are bulletproof pt.2 was not a good look for any of the boys (except tae and jin… have they ever rlly had a bad era??). then probably during the run era, there was even more bts on my dash that at some points i would only see them. not only that but i had a real life friend start to stan them. at this point i was kinda over seeing these ppl i didnt know on my dash, but i still didnt bother to find the effort to get into them. i had thought about it after my friend made me listen to some songs, they were catchy and now they all looked good but i just didnt have the energy to deal with not knowing the language. i was (and still am) learning spanish, i didnt want to deal with 2 languages i didnt know especially when i wanted to sing along. what a fool i was, truly. i remember me and of my friends were waiting in line for a concert in downtown dallas and she was freaking out bc bts was performing that night as well. can u believe i was in the same vicinity as them and i didnt rlly care?? its so weird knowing theyve been there this whole time and i just didnt put in the effort to know them. i had another friend come into my life, and she would rave about their dancing. i remember one night when the dope dance practice vid came out she was talking about it. i went ahead and recorded myself trying to dance along. trust me,, it was not pretty at all. i cant even dance normally why did i try omg. i cant believe i watched them and i didnt even know how much they would impacf me. i finally decided to try and get into them last spring, and i was an even bigger fool. i listened to their music, along with bands like b.a.p and girls generation but i didnt actually bother to know them. i wonder what would happen if i bothered to look into the boys then, i probably would have stayed interested in kpop. yeah, i got bored so i stopped listenting. bts nearly snatched me but my laziness kept me away until november when @taesdick and another friend of ours showed me blood, sweat, and tears. i only listend bc when myrah and our friend sang i thought they were just yelling “money, money, money!” and i was like shit?? money?? i gotta get back into this. from there they showed me their mv’s and when i got home i kept watching. it was different this time bc now i knew their personalities, now i knew when new songs came out so i wouldnt be bored of the same 20 songs. it just kept going downhill from there. i always heard from old one d blogs how sweet ARMYs were and i remember thinking damn what if my fandoms were like that. i remember reading abt how much bts does and thnking damn. ??? i cant believe how much a fool i was to be so close to them my whole life and then just willingly ignore them. now were at present day and i would easily die for these seven boys. as much as i make fun of them,, i truly do love them. in only what, 8 months? theyve inspired me more than anyone. how hard they work, how passionate they are, how humble and loyal they are? its new and refreshing. its everything i want to be. im proud of how theyve grown, how theyve affected so many people. but its also a weird kind of proud. like im running into and old classmate, one i never really talked to but was always in the same class as me. i can see theyve changed and grown, but i witnessed it all secondhand. im awestruck by how much theyve grown, how theyve strengthend their talents and still are so sweet. it leaves a warm feeling in my stomach, a feeling like a soft fire that protects you from the cold. its a feeling like home, as if all this time i had been right next to this fire but i just kept walking in circles around it until the fire became too strong. anyways, im home now. im home and i cant think of the words of to how happy i am for bts. i wish them the world, all the love and luck in the universe to grow even more. xoxo

ya lil freak

I can explain :'')

with all of the ways that you murder yourself