#cb2015

I hate everything.

Today was good, but this evening has been awful. My heart hurts and I hate that it’s still your fault.

Having an emo night. I hate that I am still not free of you. That your presence still limits the things that I do, poisons my thoughts and my relationships with others, breeds jealousy and resentment, and chokes my blooming growth. I hate that no one else can see the real you--they only see someone flawless. I see you, and I see a flaw. A single, fatal flaw.

And once again, everybody loves you. And I’m still bitter.

Trying to get rid of bitterness towards someone is so, so difficult. I'm struggling the most with how differently everyone else views you...to them, you are almost like a god. They love you and worship you--you can do no wrong. Am I the only one who has seen your true colors? The way you can cruelly cast someone aside without even a thought to their feelings? I suppose I always knew that I didn't matter that much to you, and I was stupid enough to trick myself into thinking maybe you did care a little bit. But you made it clear that was not the case. No one else has seen and felt what you've done. But then I wonder, why do I need or want other people to feel the same way? It's a selfish desire. But, as my friend Morgan pointed out, it's one that gets at what I might consider to be some sort of justice. I don't actually know that there is any kind of justice to be done in this situation, but perhaps it does get at whatever the closest thing may be. I don't like struggling with these feelings--I don't want to feel bitterness and resentment, and I certainly don't want other people to feel this way or to suddenly be soured toward someone whom they respect. But a part of me does want that...however small and bad that part of me may be.

Coming up on one year. I still cannot fathom how someone lied to me and cheated on me and then carried on with normal life as if nothing happened.

The cold and winter remind me of you.

Watching one of my favorite movies...The Holiday...but the last time I saw it was with you on one of the happiest nights of my life. :/