II. i…know a place
She laughs into his neck, the warm sound. Purity of it. Her breath tickles his skin. He could die right then. Ask her to take him as a whole. Take me. Fold me in your palm as neatly as those delicate sweaters you own. Own me. The ones he liked slipping his hands under. To feel the silk of pale skin and trace outline of the ribcage. Smooth out the lines. Feeling like his chest fills up the longer she’s beside him. Cruel energy vampire that he is. Sucking the light from her selfishly to let himself think for a moment that he’s worthy of it. Consuming desire to love and to be loved. He could tell her then. He knew she would smile. Her hand on his chest and he feels hot at his neck and scalp. Lets himself smile and press his nose into her shoulder. Hiding almost in it. Lips brush the skin that tastes faintly of yesterday. Let me love you. Would he still want it if he knew it’s reciprocated. Does he just likes the space between unknown and „I do”. Addicted to crawling back like in search for crack. Consuming desire to be embraced by her. Warm weight of her against him and he could beg like a kid. Breath on his neck knocking his senses alive. His fingers comb through the dark strands. He feels terrifyingly understood, like she sees him as bare as he can be and envelops it. Breathes deeply in her skin. Sandalwood.
The sand of the beach is cool under his fingers. Sound of waves and her calm voice as she speaks. He could die. Her smooth line of shoulders, small hips, the way his sweater hangs on her. Thick and woollen. Almost makes him think of her when putting it on later. The peace her presence brings to him. Like someone replaced the nicotine ruined lungs he had with new ones and she was the park he could take a full breath in. Lets himself sink into the feeling. Her lips. The beauty of exisiting together and God, he’s an atheist but he almost wants to believe in one. Together. If not in every lifetime then atleast in this one. To feel and drown in the beauty of life in its every aspect. Letting her tug on his hand as they run to where water meets the land. Greyish sky and nothing to hear except the waves and her laughter. That careless type that’s knocked straight out of ones chest. Her eyes. Turns her before she can ran straight into the cold water. To bring her closer. Closer. Until you can’t tell where one ends and other begins.
„It’s too cold” he murmurs when their lips brush. It’s not really for him. Just the weird need to assume so on her part. He wasn’t one to believe in primitive needs. Needs to provide. Each responsible for themself. No, he wasn’t manly but he liked the knowledge that he could be. Take her in his arms and hide her. Smooth a hand over her hair and do it himself. Except living by himself. That he felt these days was something he wasn’t meant for. Force of her being like a pillar for his weak, beaten up mind. No headache, not this time. Mentally sober almost. Some masculine protective instinct. He doesn’t mind. Kisses her again. Do you think I could forget it later. Let me love you. She smiles against his lips.
„Don’t worry”
Follows her. Taking the shoes and socks off. Grimacing when the cold water swallows his feet up to the ankles. Tightening the way his fingers tangle with hers as she steps further in the water. Don’t let go. Closes his eyes and imagines what would be if let the water take hold of him. To float without consciousness on it. No need to think of what to do with himself. Cold brush of a wave against his calf. Weight of her palm. Tightens his fingers around it. No. He doesn’t want that. Brings the hand up to brush his lips over the knuckles. Don’t let go. Let me love you. These days, today, last night, he wants everything. To exist beside her. Talk just even. Want. Talk about god. Wake up in need of her. Have her gasp softly into his neck. Can I touch you. Wave brushes his ankle. She turns around to say something. His chest so full.
„I feel better” he says later as she’s hanging up their wet pants back at the rented house. His voice quiet he almost wonders if he even said it out loud, but she turns to him.
„Sometimes I think you do”
„Why? Do I seem so?”
She smiles to herself like it’s a knowledge she can’t fully let him in on.
„I suppose. I don’t really think it’s something you can describe, if I’m honest. You just look at someone and see that. You always mention the burden like it’s something you were born with. You’ve had enough sadness in your life not to feel guilty about ditching that. Enough to let yourself be sad too though if that’s something you crave. I hope I’m painting the right picture. Sorry. I just meant I like seeing you like this”
He feels that whole consuming sense of being understood and seen through again. Mind subconsciously almost fighting with the words. Like seeing you better. Memory of his mother’s hand hovering over his mop of hair at the age of 5. Scared to touch him almost. Maybe the harshness to his being already then. Leans into the palm now and lets her tell him it’s okay. Let me love you. Dull feeling back when he was sedating himself. Life so full now. He just finds himself smiling like it’s easy now and reaches to brush the skin of his thigh. Can I touch you.
He wakes up like kicked right into stomach. Nauseous tightness in chest. Cold sweat at the back of his neck. Passed out on the couch he must have. Never made it to bed. Pointless. Shirt sticking to his body. His throat burns and with numbness to his feet he gets up from the couch. World spinning. The dark apartment. Air too thick almost suffocating. Makes it to the nearest window and fumbles with the handle before it cracks open and he can let his head drop on his arm outside. Night slow wind brushing the damp neck. Mess of his hair moved by it. Feels like a man choking for air after being in the water too long. Except the wind only makes the hollowness space of his chest more prominent. Let me love you.
He pushes the hair away from his face. His head stopped pounding at least. Call with his mother. Take care. I will. The beat George showed him. He pushes away from the window. Do you think I have forgotten.
