#emmlizzie

It’s been over seven years since I met him. When I met him I was just a stupid thirteen year old trying to get over her first boyfriend. I met a boy at school that I didn’t even think was that cute. But he was funny. And soon he was my funny. Thirteen year old happiness is different. It’s simple. He made me laugh, his kisses were sweet, and his hugs kept me warm- both on the outside and inside. Thirteen year old sadness is the memory of both of us sobbing on the phone as he tells me he has to move away. When you’re a child distance is hard to fight. Soon it’s fourteen year old sadness. It’s a childish me trying to mend my heart with another boy who just happened to be a complete opposite of my funny, sweet-kissed boy. 

We have such a long story. There are so many small details that make up the drama of our relationship. The move-away’s. The break-ups. Even seven years later I can still hear conversations clear as day go through my mind. 

We went years without a relationship. It took us so long to even mend our bond from the last break up. It wasn’t even like I was the one to initiate it. Two adults get drunk and sleep together. In his eyes-no harm done. I still don’t know if he knows how much I cried that day. I hadn’t forgotten how much I loved him. How much I missed his kisses and his arms around me. Who could have warned me that we would be caught in the cycle again? I never expected to be with him again. I was the one to initiate an actual relationship. Maybe I should have seen it coming. I stupidly pushed them away. It took two months for him to start to distance. I realized it almost immediately. He was busy. We went for two months without seeing each other. I asked him drunk once if he would have ever asked me to be with him if I hadn’t taken the leap. I never found out if he knew I remembered his answer of “I don’t know.” He didn’t want to be in a relationship on facebook. I never saw his mom. Or dad. Or anyone in the family that I was already introduced to proudly when we were teenagers. I should have known the end was coming but it still broke me. 

Seven months into our fourth try in seven years, I found out he was being deployed. The very next day he ended it. I don’t know if I’ll forget that moment. It’s almost like when I was seventeen years old and he came to my house to end things. I can remember that day like it was yesterday and it’s been almost four years. 

But he still wanted his best friend. It would kill him to lose his best friend. Because that’s what I am. A best friend that he just happens to like sleeping with I guess. How do you stay best friends with someone that you love? How am I supposed to talk to him everyday when I saw a future with him? I was willing to give up my city and career for him. I would have given everything for him. How am I supposed to grow older with him and watch as he settles down and falls in love with someone that isn’t me? How can he just do the same? I never knew it was possible to fall out of love but he accomplished it. 

There’s going to be a January 27 viewing of Lazer Team in Springdale, Ohio!!! BUT it’ll only happen if 62 more people reserve a ticket!! It could be like a mini meet up aaaaaand we’d all get to see Lazer Team. IN THEATERS!! 

I take the time to glance over at him, my fork still stuck on a piece of chicken and pizza being shoveled into his face.

“Oh. I dunno,” I pick at a scab by my elbow. “I suppose three or four. From silly things you know. Scrapes as a kid or taking out bread from the oven.” 

His eyes linger at the junction of the table where it cuts off his view of my body and I know he cant possibly know of the faint scars covering my thighs. There’s no possible way he knows of the angry red healing lines still at the edge of my panties. But I still swallow hard and look down anyway, making sure the denim shorts I chose that morning are pulled down enough and nothings revealed. 

He doesn’t know. He can’t know. No one here knows. The only people that know are Emma, Lex, and Jake. And they hopefully think this hasn’t happened in years. 

I just switched from princessofthejuggey to Emmlizzie