#emelster

You know those times where you literally give something your all and then one little thing goes wrong and suddenly everything is a disaster?  Yeah, today is that day.

My husband and I were feeding the missionaries today.  No big deal really, except that this is something that adults do.  This is something that my mom does all the time, flawlessly.  So I was ready to prove that I could do it too.  I was going to make a recipe that would make a nice dinner and that I knew well, maybe lasagna or even meatloaf.  Things I’d done before successfully.  But hubby was really hoping for homemade pizza the way his mother made it.  Meaning from scratch.  So, wanting him to be proud, I got the recipe, spent more than usual on groceries to pay for the many ingredients (pulling a bit from my spending allowance, but it would be worth it), and got down to business.

I spent the night before getting ready.  Grocery shopping, laundry, dishes, and cleaned the house.  I even baked banana bread for dessert and an extra loaf for the missionaries to take home.

Today, I woke up early and made the dough for the crust (it had to rise for a while).  Then together, hubby and I made the pizza’s using special homemade sauce, 2 kinds of cheese and 3 meats.  We covered them and put them in the fridge.

After hubby left for work I did a final clean up and, when it was time, I put the pizzas in the oven... and burned them.  Like, burned the living daylights out of them.  Black and crispy.

“Okay,” I think, “backup plan... do I have a backup plan?  Do I even own any food?”  And the doorbell rings.  There are the missionaries.  Of course they can’t come inside because I’m home alone so they got to wait out on the stairs for hubby to come home while I did my best to whip together a dinner of Orange Chicken and Rice.

By the time Hubby made it home the backup dinner was almost ready and we were able to sit down and they seemed to enjoy the meal.  I didn’t really notice my food much as I was in an internal anxiety melt down.  Finally I served the banana bread.  The inside of the banana bread didn’t cook all the way.  Luckily I got a couple good pieces off the end and they seemed to enjoy it.  At the end of the evening they left, seemingly very happy.  Hubby then had to go back to work, though he stayed to try and talk me into feeling better about the whole thing.

Okay, so lately I’ve been in limbo.  I got married two months ago and about a week after my honeymoon the school world entered summer vacation.  I used to work for a school district so this meant I also entered a time of no income.  This is also my last year at that job so I had to quit the job (for time restriction reasons) and start the search for a new one.  

Due to this job search I had about a month of no job, meaning I had a month to get used to living with someone new and running a household.  It gave me a chance to figure out how this all worked and get into a bit of a schedule.

About a month ago I was offered a subbing position at a special school that runs programs all year long.  I took the job as it would lead to a job during the school year that would better fit my time needs.  For the first 2 weeks it felt like they were always calling me in.  Great!  I could use the income and the job!  But after those first weeks I haven’t heard a thing and I feel like I’m living in a limbo land.

I’m done.  I’m just so fucking done.  Life is shit.  Why shouldn’t mine join the pile?  I have got to stop doing this to myself.

I thought it was torture before, seeing him, kissing, making out, and then having to leave.  I didn’t know torture until he was no longer mine at all.