#ellevee

I expected it to be hard but not like this. I actually expected my mother and sisters to be the ones giving us a hard time, but that’s not the case at all!

I’m sick of being told I need to respect the Vietnamese side. How dare you say “if they don’t come then fuck them”? That’s MY family, that MY people. We’re trying to meet in the middle but everyone on his side keeps pushing it and I’m sick of it.

Is this not my wedding? You’re more than welcome to not come that day if you think I’m not doing it right or I’m being disrespectful.

I haven’t cried this hard for a while. You know that frustration that almost pushes you over the edge where you’re trying to figure the quickest way out? Narcotics, hanging, car accident, bullet.

My mind is not in a safe place. I feel the relapse on edge. But even so, I’m sick of this.

I’m sick of people not being on my side. I’m not an idiot, I see other people’s points of views, I get what they’re trying to say, but are they trying to see my point? Why is it always my responsibility to back down?

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My 6 month old is standing by herself.

When people tell you to cherish each moment because they grow so quickly, it’s soooo true! I feel like we just got her, so how has it been half a year already?!

Now that I am pregnant, a lot of people are telling me what I actually want to do. Pretty annoying that they know my brain more than I do. I am being told what to do and what not to do. A lot of the things they tell me to do are things that I really don’t want to do and are things that I really don’t care for.

This give me terrible doubts and terrible anxiety. 1) I know my husband is a push over and will do everything they say 2) this is not what I wanted so I am not going to be happy. I feel like if I don’t do what they say, they will label me as a bad mom. I’ve seen the way they look at other people and talk about other people and it’s really harsh.

I think it’s okay if people want to raise their kids differently. Every kid is different. Everyone has different values and that’s ok!!!

I just wish these people were less opinionated and more supportive. Pregnancy sucks and I’m sure raising a human is tough! Everyone just wants to do their best and having everyone’s opinions just makes it harder.

I told my husband that at this point it feels like I’m just having this baby for him and the others to raise and I just get to stand by and watch. This isn’t my kid cause I won’t get to do what I want with them and I won’t get to raise them how I’ve always dreamt of or planned to.

I already am trying to cope with the fact this being this child’s mom will be my new identity. I just finally learned how to make my voice heard and let others know that I am important too, and now I will have this child to care for and I have to learn how to be that too. That’s hard already!

I haven’t had this baby yet and I already feel like a terrible mother. I don’t see the point in taking my baby or toddler to Disneyland or Disney world, for example. Why should I take them? It’s expensive and they won’t remember nor will they understand. Is this something that really makes a childhood complete? Because I am the only one out of my family to have gone to Disneyland, but I went as an adult and my ticket was bought for me. I loved my childhood and I never felt like it was a void in my life. Even my experience as an adult…. I didn’t feel like it was worth the price.

My husband’s brother in law plans an annual camping trip to nebraska. They started planning for this coming summer. My baby will be 6 months old. I hate camping and I hate the heat. I am not taking a baby in diapers and drinking milk from bottles to go sit at a dirty lake in the sun. I am not changing diapers in the wilderness. But everyone is telling me, “you HAVE to”. I thinks it’s ok if I don’t want to expose my tiny baby to the harsh elements of nature yet. I thinks ok that out of convenience for me, in case the baby has a blow out or something, I stay home where I know I can easily wash my baby off with clean water and I won’t run out of their food supply.

Just because someone has kids does not make them an expert. Just because this works for them does not mean it will work for me. Just because someone enjoys this does not mean I have to enjoy this.