#elevatedavocado

so 6 years ago (i was 16) my best friend who use to live across the street from me invited me to watch a movie over at her place & thats where i met umm ill use bob instead of his real name lol, i thought he was soo cute. and we ended up kind messing around (i know i was a little hoe kinda) we didnt have sex we just did hand stuff and kissing...he walked me back across the street where i lived after the movie and that was it. i think we might of texted a bit but i dont remember...anyways fast forward to today i recently moved back because at 16 i moved away to cali to live with my dad (again) and my friend didnt live there anymore, we got back in touch 3 days ago,, she told me her cousins moved there but i never thought it was like bob... lol so i got a friend request on ig and i was like who is this? as soon as i accepted it he messaged me. “hey sstranger” i was like who are you? and as i look on his page i instantly remember i was like fuck... he told me and didnt make any remarks about what we did until later..i told him i was a little girl back then that im not gonna just give it up, but strange thing was he said he only looked for me because he saw me and he always wanted to see me again. i was like how and where did you see me...urns outside he lives across the street from me now... i was in shock. he can be charming and a bit much but he is really into me, but he is cray if he thinks he can just get it like that bob said his heart skipped a beat when he saw me unload stuff from my moms car i was like damn...i just thought it was crazy. cuz this was 6 years aago and now we are neighbors...

Feeling cute today.

I can’t be with him anymore. he has damaged me so much that i don’t even know if i can ever be as open as i am with anyone again. he doesn't want to let me go he constantly calls me and wont leave me alone. i feel bad for him its the only reason i talk to him. but i feel like he is not understanding that our relationship will never be again. when i picture myself being married wither its a girl or a boy i don’t see him. I CAN’T see him. i might be getting a phone soon and I am debating on just not letting him my new number, but he owes me money.... ugh its like a mini divorce its never ending. i cant... 

I decided to give my grandmother a call because i felt an urge to call her yesterday...it was her birthday. i felt so guilty not remembering her special day because she is like my own mother she sees me as her daughter she has always and will be a big part of my heart. and i miss her to dearly now that i moved out to NC. she has weak bones now...even sneezing can cause one of her bones to easily break...i always worry about her but she always worries about me. she turned 78 yesterday, and i still can’t imagine my life without her. but i know that ever year is a blessing to still have her, i wish teleportation was made so i can just visit her whenever but sadly no...needless to say i will never forget her birthday ever again..

i just deactivated my facebook, im hoping i dont go back for ateast 3 months and if i can go longer that would be even better, wensday i say bye to instagram which is my favorite social media...i know this will be somthing good that will come out of it, using less of my phone would also be great. here it goes.

i have let go of everything & moved to start a new beginning and i want it to be a fresh start. I don’t know anyone out here rarely. and although it feels lonely at times i do enjoy it. Im going to miss the California beaches, my amazing friends, family, especially my grandmother. But California defeated me...& the place i once always ended up at with sunshine and freedom ended up being a place of a dark depression and hopelessness. I will be turning 23 this year and I am still putting pieces of me together. I am addicted to wanting someone who wants me when i need to want me first and be happy with just being me. I am hoping 2018 is finally the year where i learn to fully love and embrace myself. To be healthy and make the best decisions and to finally make something of myself. This is why I decided to let go of social media & just love my tumblr blog so i can express myself. I am an elevated avocado. I am me.