#elemfriends

Pagod na ako. Pagod na akong lumapit sa inyo. Pagod na akong ayusin yung friendship ko sa inyo. I tried. Pero kayo na mismo yung lumalayo. I tried and tried. Pero tangina, I always find myself watching you guys from the sidelines. Oo elem tayo non, pero kayo kasi yung una kong naging friends sa buhay ko. 7 years of friendship. Wala na.

Walang iwanan. Akala ko non ang corny neto. Haha. Pero wow, sobrang bigat pala ng magiging epekto nya'n sakin. Haha. Aminado naman akong kasalanan ko e. Ako yung nangiwan. I always thought coming home to you guys would be like a warm welcome back. Pero what did I get? A lot of awkward Hi’s and blank stares. I thought the next time I’ll return, magiging okay naman. Wala. Ganun din. In fact, mas lumala ata. Habang tumatagal lumalala. Fck masakit. I FUCKING LOST MY BEST FRIEND. I FUCKING LOST MY FRIENDS. A lot of friends. AND IT FUCKING HURTS. It turned me into this depressed teenager. I felt alone. Fck. In fact, did you know losing friends, failing academics and family problems, it lead me to suicidal thoughts. Haha. Pathetic magi.

Hello best friend. I remember when you asked me on my 17th birthday, “anong nangyari sa atin?” I didn’t know what to say. I said hindi ko alam. I told you, it’s because I left. Did you know what hurts the most in our conversation? Nung sinabi mong mahirap ng balikan. Pero I told you kaya yan. Ang sakit kasi ikaw na yung nag give up pero ako umaasa pa rin. Haha. Fcking pathetic piece of sht. Oh. And did you know kung sino best friend ko ngayon? Ex something mo. Hello Merille. Yep. Siya. Ikaw yung connection sa friendship namin. Alam ko kung ano nangyari sa inyo, kung gano sya nasaktan. But he doesn’t know our story. And right now, nagguilty ako kasi feel ko yes he’s my bestfriend, pero alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi ko masabi sa kanya lahat. Ang dami kong tinatago sa kanya. Unfair. But you know what’s more unfair? Parang ginagawa ko sya'ng rebound. For five years, I never treat or called someone as my bestfriend. Pero sya, sya yung unang tao, or well, pangalawang taong trineat ko as bestfriend. Pero ang unfair sa kanya. I hate myself. Mygahd.

I miss you. I miss you guys. Pero idk. Pagod na akong mageffort. I want to know, to learn how to stop caring about you. I want to learn how to stop hurting every damn time.