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Before you debuted, I knew exactly what we were.
After that⦠I got used to not knowing.
You didnβt leave all at once. You left slowly. Like someone dimming the lights little by little so it doesnβt hurt as muchβ¦ except it somehow hurts more.
At first, it was the short messages.
βIβm busy.β
βI have practice, Iβll text you later.β
βI love you.β
Until one day, the βI love youβ started disappearing. And I pretended not to notice.
The last time we really talked, you called me. You said there wasnβt enough time, that it wouldnβt work. I just listened to your voice on the other end, feeling something inside me crack in silence. Iβve always been good at writing what I feel, but when it comes to youβ¦ my words fall apart.
βI love youβ¦ please take care.β
That was the last thing I said before you hung up.
But it wasnβt the last thing between us.
You still texted me at 2 a.m.
βAre you awake?β
And I always was. For you, I always was.
Weβd FaceTime until one of us fell asleep. Iβd watch your breathing slow down, your face glowing softly from the screen, and Iβd feel this ridiculous sense of peace for someone who wasnβt yours anymore. Then youβd disappear for days. And I told myself it was fine. That I understood. That I was strong.
I wasnβt.
I wrote βEJEHβ with my heart wide open. Every lyric carried your name even if I never said it. Every pause was a conversation we never finished. I released it not knowing if I wanted you to come backβ¦ or if I just needed you to know you broke me.
The next morning, I woke up to your message.
βWoojinβ¦ I heard the song.β
Seeing your name on my screen made my stomach drop. Like youβd touched me without even being there.
βCan we talk? In person.β
My hands were shaking when I replied. I tried to sound calm. I wasnβt.
I got there early. Of course I did.
When you walked out of the building and looked at meβ¦
God.
You looked at me and it felt like the world turned its volume down just so I could hear you breathe. You smiled softly, and my knees nearly gave out. Youβve always had that effect on me.
βI didnβt think youβd come this early.β
Your voice was gentle. And I tried not to let you see how much you still undo me.
βIβm not the type to make you wait.β
We started walking. Your arm brushed against mine and it was enough to make my heart slam against my ribs. It was nothing. It was everything.
βI listened to the songβ¦β you said quietly.
You wouldnβt look at me. You were playing with your sleeve, nervous. I wanted to take your hand like I used to, tell you it was okay. But everything felt fragile now. Like one wrong move could break us again.
βIβm really sorry, Woojin.β
You stopped in front of me. You looked at me.
And when you didβ¦
my heart melted. I swear I felt something inside me give in. Your eyes have always been my weakness. When you look at me like that, no pride survives.
βIt did hurt,β I admitted softly. βIt hurt watching you drift awayβ¦ feeling you slip through my fingers while I couldnβt do anything.β
I swallowed because if I held your gaze too long, Iβd fall apart.
βI donβt blame you. I understand your world. But that doesnβt mean it didnβt hurt.β
You bit your lip β that small gesture that always destroys me. And when you said:
βI love youβ¦β
The air caught in my lungs. My body didnβt know what to do with hearing that again.
I cupped your face without thinking. Your cheeks were warm. Your eyes were shining. You looked at me like I was still your safe place.
And that broke me all over again.
βI love you too,β I whispered, close enough that our breaths mixed. βBut I donβt want to lose you again. If we tryβ¦ we really try. Both of us.β
You looked at me for a few seconds that felt like forever. Then you nodded.
βI want to try again.β
You smiled.
And that smileβ¦
it made my knees weak. It was the same one. The one that made me fall for you. The one that makes me think I could write a thousand more songs just to see it again.
I kissed you.
It was impulsive. But it was inevitable. Your lips against mine felt like coming home after being lost for too long. You held onto me, and in that moment, all the resentment, the pride, the fear⦠dissolved.
I rested my forehead against yours.
βYouβll always be my muse. My EJEH. Even when you make me write the saddest lyrics.β
You laughed softly, and I felt it against my chest.
βSo you didnβt really move on, did you?β
I looked at you. Really looked at you.
βI can lie in a songβ¦ but not when Iβm holding you like this. Iβd wait a lifetime if it meant feeling this again.β
And when you kissed me back, I knew it wasnβt just nostalgia.
It was a choice.
And for the first time in weeks, my heart stopped hurtingβ¦
because you were here.
looking at me like I was still your home.
