#eighty two

🧄

but i need to get shit done and feeling overwhelmed makes me feel ugly.

82. Oxford Academy (Thursday 5th May 2016)

I'm gonna elaborate on my shitty shitty dream here since I'm fairly certain I won't be hearing from you today. So I got back to my dad's house at like 1:30am and then couldn't fall asleep till closer to 3. I shot straight up in bed for literally no reason at just before 4:58 (I was so completely lost, it took me a minute to remember that I was a person at all before I thought to look for my phone), then I went back to sleep till around 7, then slept again till 9ish. That's when I woke up from the weird, sad, terrible mess of a dream. So it was one of those super realistic ones. And it was a normal situation, which was what made me think it was legitimately happening. I was at my mom's apartment, cooking in the kitched. I'd left my phone on the desk/table/thing in the living room because it was late ish (7/8?) and I wasn't expecting anyone to want to talk. But then my phone started buzzing; I figured it was yet another spam called and ignored it in favor of stirring whatever the hell I was cooking. Then it started buzzing again. I asked Alex to check it for me since he was still in the living room and he read off the first few numbers (412) and for some reason I went "shit, that's Alfie- do this for me, I'll be back" and hurried to my room. Apparently I hadn't heard from you in like 2 days and it was (is) abnormal to hear from you that late. I answered the phone with "Hey, are you okay?" to which your response was a sniffle. I started freaking out ("What's going on?" "Alfie, talk to me please" etc etc) and you continued making crying noises until you laughed bitterly (the kind that happens when you're upset and laugh at your own pain). "On the bright side, you can finally be yourself," you said. (I remember thinking "what the fuck does that mean I'm always myself with you") then you said something along the lines of "I can't do this" and "this is exhausting". The rest is blurry because I started waking up (is think I rejected the idea so much that my brain went "NOPE" and launched me back into consciousness) but I've been really on edge all day. You know how I am by now, I know I shouldn't take it so seriously because it was a friggin dream, but I can't help but be paranoid. Which I'm fairly certain you're gonna smack me through the Internet for because we j u s t talked about this on like Tuesday, but my brain is mean and likes to whisper doubts 24/7. As soon as I hear from you again I'll probably be okay. But since I haven't heard from you since Wednesday I'm also super worried about you in general. Worry all around! Fun times. In conclusion: dream you decided we should break up because apparently that was """best for me""" but I'd like to argue that that is far from true. Being with you has made me happier than anything in the history of everything. I'm gonna go check and see if you're online (probably not) and then go hide under my blanket for a little while. Things are weird and lonely today. (Sorry this wasn't gay, I'm too on edge to be cute right now. Ahh.)