#egirlfriend

eGirlfriend 💚🖤

Want to play overwatch ?

I'm the girl you'd die for

I've been sleeping A LOT lately. I'm not sure if my body just needed some rest or if something is happening in the cosmos (as above so below) sort of deal. Regardless I find myself becoming more and more comfortable with my bed and pillows. I should really get new ones... Its been years and new is on the docket. I'm not sure why I feel like I am failing somewhere. I am trying hard but it feels like I am slacking somewhere. Why is that? Today I cleaned my vanity and I threw away a lot of pieces I held on to for a while. It felt strange, but correct, to throw them out. Something told me the only way I can bring in new is to throw out old and free up that space needed to create something I love. So I trust. I'm not sure what direction I want to take my youtube. I kind of want to make a podcast but is that too much? I feel all kinds of confused. But I try to make videos that keep me accountable in my growth (what I mean by that is like cleaning my space beacuse I don't want a messy background or making myself go out because my last 5 videos have been inside lol) The reality is I am winging this shit. And I hope I fly. xox -M

Have you ever heard of "The Grey Rock Method"? It's this method people use against toxic and manipulative people where you become this super boring version of yourself in hopes they get bored enough to leave you alone. I think this is stupid. I'm not saying it doesn't work, I'm sure it does, but something in me (I blame Leo placements) feels this is irrelevant in someone's interest in you. Sometimes, becoming more unattainable makes you more desirable. People want to know ~why you are not reacting. I've been thinking about The Grey Rock Method all morning and came up with a rebuttal. The Rainbow Method. This is where you shine so bright they have to flinch and wince at the very glance of you. Where you become SO unattainable that you become untouchable. Another level. Another dimension. Another league. How bout that? Today, a little mouse crawled on the carpet towards me and my dog. For a second I thought this would be a new pet of mine, a third child I would care for x amount of years... though deep down I felt it wasn't meant for me. I'm not sure what happened, but it died. Well did that create a swirl of chaotic thoughts in this little head of mine. Suddenly I got a whiplash of memories of chemo treatment wards and hospital beds and code blues and untouched guilt and random vague medications that were important at the time -like acetaminophen. Sometimes chaos can help you grow. Chaos more than not, happens for your greatest (and sometimes quickest) evolution. But sometimes it can be a test that can sabotoge you if you let it, if you aren't careful, if you don't learn boundaries and the lessons past chaos has taught us. This is what I've learned: I gotta be happy. Because it's not "If I die"... that will happen one day no matter what (I manifest being an old grandma) but I want to be a cool ass grandma who did cool shit that my grandkids can brag about and show pictures to their friends. I am still young right now and have the ability to produce my dreams into reality. Even if that is just videos online and pretending I am Carrie Bradshaw (2020 Hawai'i version) in an online blog that a few (but important) people read. I have to follow my dreams. Here I go... Xox -M

i only have one and its on fire :-/