I mean⦠maybe like⦠a soft boy⦠or a femboy ⦠or a Midwest emo boyā¦
But like⦠not a boy-boy, ya know? Not a guy.
Definitely not a man, absolutely not.
⦠so⦠definitely not a trans guy.
I donāt want⦠brown fluffy short hair that I can run my hand through, cause itād look bad on me. Or for skirts and hoodies to look right on me, cause they donāt right now. I donāt want to touch the soft invisible blond mustache on my upper lip. I donāt want trans guys telling me the small amount of thinly spread hair on my tummy is cute. I donāt want my eyeliner to look like a boy as opposed to a girl for no explainable reason.
I donāt have a lick of masculinity in me. In my bones. In my eyes. In my face. In my voice. In my speech. In my actions. In my personality.
I just⦠donāt think Iād make for a very convincing boy.
⦠but crying about it doesnāt make it go away.
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Idk what Iām doing. Need more SFT forcemasc stuff. Is this forcemasc? Idk.
I constantly see guys at night riding on skateboards, and I just⦠die a little inside.
I was trying to make the background text hard-ish to read, but the foreground text is hard to see too. I tried a little.
[image description: Man skateboarding down a path. Text āWhy do you look at them like that?ā āYou never cared to be exceptionally ācoolā.ā āYou never wanted to ride a skateboard.ā āSo why do you look at him and get so UPSET?ā Faded text in the background says āyou want to be himā over and over.]
Just cuddle fuck me, cooing softly at me sweetly with praise and light teasing, making me call myself a good boy over and over.
I donāt even need the sex part. Just cuddle me.
āIām a good boy. Iām such a good boy for you. Iām your good boy. I want to be your good girlboy.ā Mumbled over and over again as you pet me and hold me close and tight and tell me Iām so good.
ā¦
āAm I trans or am I just touch/romance/comfort starved?ā
The negative things holding you back from identifying as trans.
Where did you originally hear it?
(Any help appreciated.)
(Mentions of internalized transphobia and MORE of the like below break.)
āYouāre just a girl whoās fetishizing mlm guys and/or is trying to invade mlm spaces.ā
That was cis gay guys on mlm media where I consumed media that was mlm and longed, wished, and wanted it to be me. They were scared of women in their spaces, scared of people testing out their identity.
āYou wouldnāt medically transition, and you donāt look like a boy, so whatās the point?ā
Thatās the truscum, transmed, and internalized transphobia that I read into when learning about LGBT+.
āYou donāt act or look like a guy. Thereās not a hint of masculinity in you.ā
That comes from my need to put things into a binary, into boxes. That, and my parentās need to enforce gender roles and presentation.
āGenderfluid is the most fake of them all! You just decide what gender you are based on how you feel?ā
More internalized transphobia.
āYou just want to be a part of something; your other identities arenāt queer enough for you.ā
Internalized transphobia, homophobia, and aphobia.
āYou just want to see yourself in something that takes your woman identity away because how men see women makes you feel icky. Meanwhile, seeing a guy be vulnerable and his softness is accepted, that makes you feel like your emotions actually mean something.ā
Idk what this is. Iād say itās an enforced binary again, but also misogyny?
āNo man would like you in a gay way.ā
A well meaning cis gay friend who didnāt realize what he was saying til it came out of his mouth. All he meant was that monosexual gay guys wouldnāt want a non-passing genderfluid person. He apologized, but that voice still echos in my mind.
Just like all the rest of the echos I mentioned.
Thatās what they are. Echos.
Do you value the opinions of those people?
For me, thats asking if I value the opinions of cis gay guys scared of trans people searching for their identity? Or people who hate trans people for existence? Or people who donāt respect non passing peopleās gender? Or people who think trans people are just āconfusedā unless they have debilitating dysphoria and need to transition? Or an enforced binary filled and fueled with misogyny and fear of men?
Even though those things go against what my heart and mind and happiness says?
Knowing that Iām not trying to hurt mlm men, Knowing I am just taking my time finding my identity. Knowing that trans people are real and valid, even if they donāt pass, are pre-op, no-op, high dysphoria, low dysphoria, or whatever. Knowing not all men are dangerous, and that masculinity isnāt inherently something to fear, or that women are inherently the worser version of humanity. Knowing men and woman should be treated with equal high respect for their emotions, and that āemotionalā isnāt negative. Knowing most things donāt fit into boxes, especially binary ones. Knowing that aroacespec identities and that [partly cis, partly trans] identities are VALID parts of LGBT+ and are āqueer enoughā.
I also know the happiness I feel when I imagine myself passing as a man. The happiness I feel when I have the opportunity to switch out bracelets to reflect how I feel inside based off gender. The icky looming dooming feeling on occasion when people see me as a girl. How evil it feels that I canāt shift between 3 set ācharactersā and have people see me as the same entity, but different terms for each.
So⦠I can break this down, into the concept of echos. But that doesnāt stop them or silence them or quiet them. They are still loud as ever.
Hello, yes. This is my blog thing. Idk how tumblr works so bear with me.
21+ ~ minors DNI ~ some posts are NSFT
any/all pronouns (name: ???)
I am an egg. Probably genderfluid but in constant denial š
Blāog is not about snakes. An egg tooth helps snakes (and other animals in eggs) break the inside of the egg, allowing them to escape. Though, some snakes are a little scared to come out even after that. (insert laugh track cause egg joke)
Snakes are cuties. But for me? Kitten? Puppy? Yes.
Made this so I can post about being an egg. Maybe help me realize how in denial I am?
More under āmoreā.
forcemasc / autoandrophilia yes please
boyhypno?
religious kink? (but where Iām the one being corruptedā¦)
corruption kink?
puppy/kitty yes š¾
girl? boy? yes, as long as Iām good :3c
I USE RECLAIMED SLVRS
Asks are open! Feel free to ask questions, bully me, say dirty things, etc. I am not 100% NSFT. I can make replies and posts as well that ARENT dirty. Anonymous is an option.
Since this is more of a journal thing(?), might post other random stuff here, idk. You canāt tell me what to do.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
ā Live Streamingā Interactive Chatā Private Showsā HD Qualityā Free Actions
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
Again, based off how I felt trying on a hoodie I bought from the menās section for the first time. I immediately was upset, and didnāt know why.
[Image Description: Guy in hoodie standing in forest. In blue text it says, āāWhy doesnāt it fit?!āā. In brown text it says, āMaybe itās not the hoodie.ā Theres a blue heart over the manās left side of his chest.]
hey mannn, your posts remind me so much of myself before I came out, it's like looking in a mirror. I think it's really cool to explore in a sexual sense too!
being a gay little fag is awesome, my guy. don't be afraid to experiment with your presentation, don't be afraid to use tools or ask ppl to experiment with what to call ya. you don't have to commit to anything right away, you can dip a toe in whenever you want.
if you ever wanna talk about it or ask questions abt being trans masc, lemme know!! i don't mind talking to cute boys ;)
- šāā¬
(Blushing being called a cute boy.)
I donāt think I have space irl to even attempt.
Huge chest. Canāt be DIY (safe or unsafe) binding. Probably canāt afford a real binder, and even if I could, getting it sent to me might be hard.
However, saying all of these things, itās āI donāt think. Hereās why I canāt. But I havenāt tried.ā I havenāt tried to save what little money I have. I havenāt gone out to find menās clothes to wear (probably because how sad Iāve been in the past when getting clothes from the menās section; I realize now that I was unhappy because the menās clothes didnāt magically make me a guy, which I only thought subconsciously). I havenāt looked into getting a binder to myself (what address to use without negative consequences). I havenāt asked my irl transmasc friend-ish and his boyfriend to help me get started into trying to be transmasc, like getting a binder or guy clothes or etc.
Iāve asked an irl acquaintance, who was selling their old binder for cheap, if I could buy it. Problem was that it was wayyyyy too small. They offered to help me get another one online by advising me on the best binders I can find online. They even gave me a tape measure to help! But then I halted immediately. I got a lot of momentum energy out into efforts and want (like rolling a ball up a hill) when speaking with my transmasc online friends, one of which even offered to give me his, as he only lives a bit away from me, and he doesnāt need this one that might fit. But then Iād have to give someone online my irl location and meet up irl. Which I have half a mind to do. Only if I can get an irl queer friend to drive me.
I donāt ask friends who are LGBT+ to call me more masc things because I donāt want to be ādifficultā or ācomplicatedā. I donāt want my identity to be hard for them. Iām too much of a people pleaser. Especially since a handful are trans and donāt easily pass.
Iām not in the safest environment, but certainly not the most dangerous. So itās complicated.
If I got my head on straight⦠yeah⦠maybe I should push myself to try to experiment at least. Limited resources and ability and etc might make it hard, but I can still try. Everything in my life feels like a heavy boulder in a valley. I rarely try to push it up, but when I do, it falls back down. My ADHD, my depression, my anxiety, my school/college stuff (I am not a minor), friendships, gender identity, identity overall, etc.
Like I said to a classmate earlier today, āThings happenā, and her response āYeah, but itās always happening, and always to me.ā I find it funny but true.
On top of all that,
Iām only able to act as genderfluid freely among online communities (or I guess only one group of online friends). That and my imagination. But that makes me feel like itās more like a fantasy, not something I want, or something achievable, not something real.
Then thereās the problem with my thoughts. Just telling me Iām a weird girl whoās been repressed too long and now Iām just acting out, and being weird, and trying to claim things that arenāt mine. For attention or wanting to be special or something.
When an online transmasc friend says āyou can be a trans masc person if you just let yourselfā, half the time my first thought is āno, you havenāt met me in real lifeā as if that means anything.
ANYWAY
Blah blah blah. This turned into me just talking about it, rather than talking to you.
I want to be a gay little fag. I want to be a cute boy. I want to be seen as this⦠I think.
Maybe I just donāt like the idea of being stuck in a realistic body in a realistic world.
Maybe Iād like to have alternating characters I can switch between, in the same way one player can have two characters in a game. I can modify either one. One might have a different name than the other. But itās still both me.
The only good example I can think of is Animal Jam, which is embarrassing to put, but itās the only good example. I had the cheap free version, so I only had two character slots. Each character had its own name. But both were under my username. Same player, two characters, both āmeā. Same person, two physical bodies I can manically shift and transform into, still āmeā. Itās even funnier seeing as how I had one wolf character that was nature-y themed (gender neutral, but more masculine) and a seal character (so I could do water games) that was fem themed (off white and pink). Like hello??? No cis explanation for that??? (unless for roleplay on Animal Jam, but even thenā¦)
And like⦠just a female body, like what I have. And then the other character is āboyā(?) body (idc if itās cisdick or tdick, just not bottom surgery; idc if itās a cis male chest or top surgery scars).
But everyone knows, well, thatās just me. Sometimes I have the boy body, sometimes I have the girl body.
On top of that, ofc, when I feel nonbinary, I can deck out either form feels right. Feeling agender but wanna have a flat chest and dress? Iāll choose the male form. Feeling neutrois but want to have my big chest and bright makeup? Iāll choose my female form. And I can wear a skirt in my male form if I want, of course; just cause I feel like a guy, have the option of a male body, doesnāt mean I canāt wear a skirt.
Like⦠if that were an option, would have been done ages ago, even if I was still homophobic, I still would have known there could be no way that is wrong because how at peace Iād feel.
(I am not homophobic anymore ofc. But I used to be out of fear. But even then Iād choose this if it was an option.)
āAre you a girl?ā āAre you a boy?ā āDo you want to be a girl?ā āDo you want to be a boy?ā āDo you want a female body?ā āDo you want a male body?ā āDo you want a trans female body?ā āDo you want a trans male body?ā
I just want to not have to make one singular long lasting permanent decision on how my body looks (head hair, chest, and genital wise) that canāt be changed in an instant.
āIt's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world. I don't wanna be a boy. I don't wanna be a girl.ā - āAll Dolled Upā by The Orion Experience
āMaybe I wanna be a cryptid. Maybe I donāt wanna exist in this world.ā - āCryptid (Mothman)ā by Ratwyfe
āI don't like the body you see me inside. I'd rather be a ghost. That everyone could see. A phantom and a friend whenever you need. Iām not at home here honey.ā - āGhostā by Semler
āIāll change everything ābout the way I look. Become a stranger to your memory of me. Bless your soul, Iām a heartbreak hero.ā - āHeartBreak Heroā by Semler
āI know I wanna be called pretty. But I don't know if I want titties. I guess I could say gender non-conforming. But I've done really well conforming.ā
āI am Jake and I am Foster. I am something in the middle. But Iām fine with both these names that Iāve been given.ā - āIDK If Iām a Boyā by Blue Foster
āMy haircut don't look right. My clothes don't fit just right. Them boy clothes are too big, and the girls' too tight.ā
āWell you're so scared of everything. You shout these rules that you invent. And who are you to force me, to believe what you think Jesus meant?ā
āI grew up in a disguise. The pain has made me wise.ā
āWell I have chose my consequence. I have chosen my name. And I can be your daughterson. Cause they're one and the same.ā - āDaughtersonā by Joe Stevens