#eggtoothasks

Gosh, I would.

I had such a reaction to this, but I’m in a public location. I felt like I could cry about it? But also really wanted it to happen.

Gosh I need this.

How quickly I’d give in if you told me to say things, and I say I want to be a “good boy” and that I’m a “f^ggot”. But I’d cry and say I don’t feel like one, just for you to keep using me til we can fix my brain.

Just a constant cycle of saying “I want to be a good boy” and calling myself a “f^ggot”, but then crying and whining about not being a guy, and then just loud noises as I forget everything temporarily, repeat.

Are you sure the tape would stay on if it got that wet? What would I have to do to have you allow my small tiny microp-n!s some attention while you do it? Please

Yes!

It only seems I have a “fixation” on being an egg and in denial because, well, that’s the point of this account. Hence the name “eggtooth”, which is explained in my pinned post. Idk why I feel like this. Don’t know if it’s a gender thing, or something else. It probably is a gender thing, I’m just having a hard time due to internalized transphobia. Probably. Idk.

But this account is to 1) write about my feeling reguarding gender/trans-ness/autoandrophilia/forcemasc, and 2) maybe make posts that people who like autoandrophilia and forcemasc might like.

I have been making posts that are tagged as forcemasc and autoandrophilia, as I found those two terms on accident multiple months ago. I asked Google why I wished I was a gay guy despite being a girl, and it talked about being trans, autoandrophilia, and forcemasc. It’s certainly not a fixation on mlm people in general, but being myself as someone in an mlm relationship, which is not normal for cishet girls. It’s not being “weird” about transmascs in general, but about me being transmasc.

Liking autoandrophilia and forcemasc is not the only reason I think I am genderfluid. It’s just the easiest concept to hold onto at this second for me. I have had many moments in the past where I realize could have been me trying to tell myself I am trans (genderfluid) but didn’t have the language for it yet at the time. Then those memories grow silent on the timeline around the time I was petrified in fear of going against my parents, who are homophobic. Then the memories start up again afterwords, but they have a strange fearful (guilty/shameful?) tint. Hence why I think it’s just internalized transphobia. Or maybe not, idk.

Onto forcemasc/forcefem itself…

I love it so much. At least forcemasc, since that’s the only one I know much about / have explored. However, since I am not masculine at all, I have considered myself more of a forcemasc in a forcefem way.

forcefem -> become girl

forcemasc -> become boy

whatever I’m into -> become soft gay boy (maybe sometimes femboy, but more so “soft boy”)

Not sure how I feel about 100%-cis girls being into forcemasc and autoandrophilia, but they do what they do as long as it’s not hurting anyone ofc. I’m not gonna tell them they can’t be cis girls. But like… if it’s not just for the bedroom, and does hang over you like a cloud outside of the bedroom, I feel like something queer might be happening to your gender.

Anyway,

being a gay little fag is awesome, my guy. don't be afraid to experiment with your presentation, don't be afraid to use tools or ask ppl to experiment with what to call ya. you don't have to commit to anything right away, you can dip a toe in whenever you want.

if you ever wanna talk about it or ask questions abt being trans masc, lemme know!! i don't mind talking to cute boys ;)

- 🐈‍⬛

(Blushing being called a cute boy.)

I don’t think I have space irl to even attempt.

Huge chest. Can’t be DIY (safe or unsafe) binding. Probably can’t afford a real binder, and even if I could, getting it sent to me might be hard.

However, saying all of these things, it’s “I don’t think. Here’s why I can’t. But I haven’t tried.” I haven’t tried to save what little money I have. I haven’t gone out to find men’s clothes to wear (probably because how sad I’ve been in the past when getting clothes from the men’s section; I realize now that I was unhappy because the men’s clothes didn’t magically make me a guy, which I only thought subconsciously). I haven’t looked into getting a binder to myself (what address to use without negative consequences). I haven’t asked my irl transmasc friend-ish and his boyfriend to help me get started into trying to be transmasc, like getting a binder or guy clothes or etc.

I’ve asked an irl acquaintance, who was selling their old binder for cheap, if I could buy it. Problem was that it was wayyyyy too small. They offered to help me get another one online by advising me on the best binders I can find online. They even gave me a tape measure to help! But then I halted immediately. I got a lot of momentum energy out into efforts and want (like rolling a ball up a hill) when speaking with my transmasc online friends, one of which even offered to give me his, as he only lives a bit away from me, and he doesn’t need this one that might fit. But then I’d have to give someone online my irl location and meet up irl. Which I have half a mind to do. Only if I can get an irl queer friend to drive me.

I don’t ask friends who are LGBT+ to call me more masc things because I don’t want to be “difficult” or “complicated”. I don’t want my identity to be hard for them. I’m too much of a people pleaser. Especially since a handful are trans and don’t easily pass.

I’m not in the safest environment, but certainly not the most dangerous. So it’s complicated.

If I got my head on straight… yeah… maybe I should push myself to try to experiment at least. Limited resources and ability and etc might make it hard, but I can still try. Everything in my life feels like a heavy boulder in a valley. I rarely try to push it up, but when I do, it falls back down. My ADHD, my depression, my anxiety, my school/college stuff (I am not a minor), friendships, gender identity, identity overall, etc.

Like I said to a classmate earlier today, “Things happen”, and her response “Yeah, but it’s always happening, and always to me.” I find it funny but true.

On top of all that,

I’m only able to act as genderfluid freely among online communities (or I guess only one group of online friends). That and my imagination. But that makes me feel like it’s more like a fantasy, not something I want, or something achievable, not something real.

Then there’s the problem with my thoughts. Just telling me I’m a weird girl who’s been repressed too long and now I’m just acting out, and being weird, and trying to claim things that aren’t mine. For attention or wanting to be special or something.

When an online transmasc friend says “you can be a trans masc person if you just let yourself”, half the time my first thought is “no, you haven’t met me in real life” as if that means anything.

ANYWAY

Blah blah blah. This turned into me just talking about it, rather than talking to you.

I want to be a gay little fag. I want to be a cute boy. I want to be seen as this… I think.