#egbok

I never trusted that anything would be okay

I prefer not to think about it

slogging uphill head down pushing this stone bigger than I am

sweaty blistered callused

just keep going

I can wish I can want I can even visualize

but if mere thoughts feelings beliefs have anything to do with everything being okay

it's a mystery

seems like the worst kind of magical thinking

not the intentional balanced well-planned kind

but the kind about parting your hair right wearing your lucky socks opening the umbrella outside instead of inside doing this instead of that

rocking the Universe affecting the balance random belief

I have not noticed myself or anyone owning that kind of power

events occur

doing only matters a little

thinking feeling believing

just humans being humans

we seem to believe as a species that we matter much more than we do

It’s not pleasant

to be outside

in the cold

in the margins

marginalia to the life

of one you love

who barely sees you

and waves you off

if he sees you at all

No. Not pleasant.

And I know

courage is hard

and we scare ourselves

and life scares us

and hope scares us.

But I know this

and I learned it the hard way:

Never try to live in a state of

pre-emptive disappointment.

It chases off exactly what you wish for

and YES you get to HOPE. 

If hope is dashed, you get another one.

But what if it isn’t?

What if it isn’t?

I love you

despite the fact

that you are difficult

and I am difficult.

We are not twins but

we are mates

and we mesh.

You’ll see.

You saw it once upon a time

and turned away in fear.

I take your fear seriously and

I offer you my courage 

which isn’t infinite

but damn near.

I can comfort you if you let me.

Let go of the pre-emptive 

disappointment. 

Cutting your heart out so 

you never have a heart attack

can live with mistakes

but cant live with the escape

of emotional headaches

followed by regret and the